Thursday, June 5, 2014

June Buggin' Out

Oh, that headline is awful. I should just quit right now. Should.

Ride Along

This movie stars Kevin Hart and Ice Cube as brothers-in-law to be. Ice Cube is a hard-nose cop who thinks Kevin Hart is too soft to marry his sister, so he makes him go on a ride a long. It wasn't horrible. But it wasn't good.

Grown Ups 2

According to Twitter, there are people who do not like Adam Sandler movies. So, first and foremost I will say, this is an Adam Sandler movie. That out of the way, I love Adam Sandler movies, however, the last five or six have been garbage. So, Grown Ups 2 was a pleasant surprise. It was funny, it wasn't sexist or homophobic or a big gross out fest. The cast is diverse and the plot is basically "we're rich, funny, old and trying to raise our kids so that they're not monsters." Boom. Done. They can handle that.

The Inevitable Defeat of Mister & Pete

This movie is amazing. A few months ago, I wrote about being annoyed about these "poor, woe is me" white boy pre teen movies where they run away from home because their mommy and daddy yelled about their unfinished chores. This movie is also about two boys living on their own -- but because one's mom abuses him so badly he still has iron burns on his body and the other one's mom shoots up heroin right in front of him. Heroin mom gets arrested and the older kid basically spends the summer taking care of the other kid and dodging the drug dealers, thieves and police who terrorize the housing development. But it's not even depressing. It's funny and heartwarming and clever. DUDE. SO GOOD! My renting movies with black people on the box racism FINALLY paid off!

Paper Heart

This movie stars Charlyne Yi and Nick from the New Girl. It's a fauxmentary about Yi falling in love with George Michael from Arrested Development while they're interviewing other couples about their marriages and failed marriages. It's very good and well done.

Black Nativity

Wow. Two Jennifer Hudson movies...ran-dom. Okay, this movie is awful. It's a musical retelling of the Nativity story set in present day Harlem. I don't know why I do this to myself.

That Awkward Moment

This movie stars Zac Efron. Um... there are other people in it too. They do stuff. Did I mention Zac Efron is in it? He is frequently in a state of undress. So, you know, four stars.

Pitch Black

I saw this movie in the theater and loved it. It totally holds up and I didn't realize how diverse the cast was and the chick is the hero and she's not annoying. *slow claps*

The Saddest Music in the World

@Mbartyzel recommended this movie about an super rich lady holding a contest to find the saddest song in the world. The rich lady puts out the call and musicians come from all over the world to represent their country. It's satire and it's perfect. It's an old movie, so the movie quality is sometimes distracting, but overall, brava!

The Chronicles of Riddick

I do not know if this is the second or third installment. Netflix sucked and sent them to me out of order. Oh crap, now I'm not even sure what happens in this one. I guess I should just review these two together... Riddick

Ok, one of them shows what happens to the passengers who escaped from the Pitch Black film and it turns out that Riddick is like Neo or Luke Skywalker or Jesus and he's destined to bring down this planet of pirates. The other one finds Riddick alone on a hostile planet and he realizes it's about to explode, so he sends a beacon out and two competing bounty hunter ships come looking for him. Both of them are terrible, though one is less terrible than the other, but, again, I'm too lazy to check which is which and I really don't remember.

Labor Day

So, here's the thing. I watch A LOT of movies and television. A LOT. And when I tell you, this is the most implausible, bullshit drivel I have ever seen in my twenty-nine years on this planet (shut up) I am only barely exaggerating. GOOD LORD. It's about a single mom, who might be clinically depressed and her pre teen son over labor day weekend. The kid finally gets her out of bed to take him to the mall or sumshit, where Brolin -- a newly escaped convict asks them to give him a ride out of town. And they do. EYE FUCKING ROLL. DUDE. DDUUUUUUDDDDDEEEEEE. GARBAGE.