Thursday, January 16, 2014

2014...and still no flying cars

Happy New Year to the seven people who read this blog!

I hope you all have an awesome year.

I didn't watch that many movies in December (I mean, that many for me, I definitely watched way more than a normal person). You see, I decided to revisit the Xena series which I loved in my youth. 132 episodes. 42 minutes each. And I watched every single one. Turns out, when I was younger, I had the good sense to quit television shows once they started to suck, which for Xena happened 110 episodes before the series ended. *shudder*

Anyway, let the healing begin. To wit: trying to wipe them from my memory. <---I wrote that sentence two weeks ago, but the scenes of people thawing out after being frozen for 25 years and Valkrie fire protection spells just flooded back into my head and crippled me. Hopefully, I can power through the pain today, here goes...

Blackfish This is an expose' about Seaworld's practice of capturing baby whales and training them to perform tricks for our amusment. The PETA people want all Seaworlds shut down and the whales released. As if. On the one hand, I like that we're arresting these vicious potential face eating killers and getting them out of the open water; on the other hand, I don't like that they're eating their captors with impunity. One whale has eaten like three women already! He should have BEEN turned into lamp oil.

Dreams of a Life The movie starts with the mummified corpse of a 38-year-old black woman discovered in front of her still-on television. It then goes back in time to try to discover what happened and why no one noticed she was missing for three years. Well, now that I've seen exactly how I'm going to die, I can live out the rest of my life with gusto.

The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance I think @luckbox was tweeting about how he'd never seen a John Wayne movie, I realized I hadn't either and then JuliusGoat told us to watch this one. I was super surprised at how diverse/progressive it was for this type of dated Western. It's about a big city lawyer who moves west and is angry that lawlessness runs amok, so he opens a law office. The criminals laugh in his face and challenge him to a duel, but then John Wayne is all "not so fast pilgrims" and goes John Wayne on their asses. It's okay. I've seen a John Wayne movie now.

30 for 30: Broke I don't know if these count as movies or TV shows, but this one is about these megastar athletes and how they lose their tens/hundreds of millions of dollars within 3-5 years of leaving their respective sports. So depressing really. They're all fucked up in the head and knees from playing professional sports, yet have nothing to show for it all.

TWA: Flight 800 Conspiracy fare about the FBI apparently covering up missiles shooting down the plane. I suppose they had a lot of supporting evidence, but never provided any motive that would explain why the FBI would do this.

Oldboy I wanted to see the original Korean movie before it got the Spike Lee treatment. OH MY FUCKING GOD. OH MY FUCKING GOD. SIIIICCCKKKK. THE SOUTH KOREANS ARE SICCCKKKKKK. The North Koreans are right to barricade themselves behind a protective wall to shield them from this tale of revenge and imprisonment and mystery and mind control. Oh no... wait... the South Koreans might come for me now... I'm sorry, I take it back. This movie was excellent and totally not sick. Please don't make me eat my father in a stew. *runs*

Insidious Chapter 2 I really liked the first Insidious movie. It was annoying and bland for the first three quarters and then the last bit just scared the ever living shit out of me and I had to apologize to the first three quarters. Well, the sequel sucked from start to finish. It was dumb. The acting was lame, the plot twists were lamer. BOOOO. BOOOOO. For shame. They should be sent off to South Korea.

Jobs This movie about the founder of Apple was okay. But I felt like they were constantly patting themselves on the back for little inside jokes that I just didn't get because I'm not a nerd or an Apple fanboy. I think they presume a lot more insider knowledge than I have.... I can't believe that the MAC personal computers were money losers though. All my school classrooms had them.

Elysium LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLLOL. This movie is just two hours of getting trolled by Hollywood. Matt Damon, savior of the all the brown people. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL Uh... it's about future Earth where the, I dunno, ozone layer is gone, so the rich people move to an outpost on the moon called Elysium, and leave robots behind on earth to keep law and order. Matt Damon something something and there's a shuttle and then the brown people are made citizens of Elysium and there's free healthcare for everyone. Ted Cruz gives this movie two thumbs down.

2 Guns This movie about two undercover officers who think the other is a real criminal, but then both get burned by their respective agencies and so both end up becoming criminals, isn't the worst movie I've ever seen. There are many shootouts and asplosions. I give it two Mellencamps.

Man of Steel ahahahahahahahahahhahahah Speaking of trolling.... I don't even understand how such a white/American supremacist movie gets made in this the 2013th year of our lord. Good lord. I love America as much if not more than this next guy, but this movie literally interchanges the phrases "people of Earth" and "Americans" sometimes even "Kansas." In essence, Kansas is all of earth. Sarah Palin gives this movie two thumbs up. I don't know why Hollywood has been unable to make a non laughable Superman movie since the 70s, but I think it's time they just give the fuck up.

Grizzly Man Listen ladies, and men, I suppose, if there is one takeaway from this movie, it's this: There is NO MAN WORTH GETTING EATEN BY A BEAR OVER. NONE. Okay, maybe Tom Brady -- but only if by getting eaten, you are saving him from being eaten -- but if he's being eaten already and his last words are "run," DO NOT grab a frying pan and hit the bear that's eating him. Oh, what's this movie about? A sociopath who thought he was friends with bears. And then he tells his girlfriend, hey, let's go spend the summer with my friends in Alaska and she's all "cool. Okay!" And then they get there and she's all "BEARS? YOUR FUCKING FRIENDS ARE BEARS?" And he's all "oh, don't be grumpy, ms. grumpface, come on and let me introduce you to "Growly and Teethy and Clawhands." And then they get eaten. The best part of the movie is that the director of the documentary actually interviews people who are like "dude, he thought he could hang out with bears. And then they ate him." There are stupid hippies in it too, but hopefully, they've been eaten by now.

Gerry So, here's the thing. Julius "The Monster" Goat recommended this movie to me. It's two hours of Matt Damon and Ben Affleck's brother trying to get out of the desert. They are both Gerry. Or neither of them are Gerry. Or we the viewers are Gerry. I don't know. I thought Roger Ebert's review of this movie was perfect. I didn't hate it, but only a monster would suggest that another human being watch it. *whistles*

A Town Called Panic Julius Goat and his kids filmed this movie in their basement. Evidently, it was raining out, so they got their toys and a video camera and let their imaginations run wild. I hate Julius Goat so much.

1 comment:

Brian said...

My apologies for taking so damn long to comment, which won't matter all that much as I've only seen three of the films you have blogged about in this entry. we go:

BLACKFISH: haven't seen it but judging from the reaction of many on Twitter, it will make me infuriated and disgusted when I finally watch it. And if it can do something as difficult as make people on Twitter infuriated and outraged, when so many of them are known for being calm and rational and slow to anger, it's going to be quite intense.

OLDBOY: I remember seeing it in theaters many years ago, and I remember being very impressed and very disgusted. But in a good way. I look forward to seeing the Spike Lee-directed remake when it finally premieres on (har, har) Spike or TNT. Which, judging from its box-office, will be the only way that more than a dozen people will see it.

30 FOR 30: BROKE - good movie, while making me shake my head and my fists at how so many of these athletes can get their hands on SO MUCH MONEY! and make the most ridiculous of decisions in how they choose to use it.

INSIDIOUS CHAPTER 2: I've only seen the first film which I really liked and haven't sen the sequel yet. And almost every other review I've read of it is similar to yours, so needless to day, it's staying at the bottom of my Netflix Queue.

ELYSIUM: Yes, we get to see Matt Damon rocking the shaved head and the muscles he was sporting in the JASON BOURNE trilogy. And we also get to hear Jodie Foster speak with an accent that makes Gary Oldman in THE FIFTH ELEMENT sound like an esteemed professor at Cambridge in comparison. Besides that, and the impressive SFX and gadgets on display, the film could've been much better. Here's hoping Neill Blomkamp's next film i more like DISTRICT 9 in quality and a little less like this.

MAN OF STEEL: I lied this movie a lot more than you did, and more than most of Twitter who seem to feel as if this film deserves the same level of vitriol as GREEN LANTERN. Granted, I think it would've been better if Zack Snyder had been forced to watch episodes of SUPERMAN: THE ANIMATED SERIES until he got the tone right or if someone other than Snyder and Goyer had directed and wrote it (and again, I like what they did, but there still could've been things done to make it better), but I'm happy that it kept me entertained and even better that it turned out to be nothing like SUCKER PUNCH.

OK, so apparently I've seen more than three of the films. Sometimes I surprise myself.