Thursday, January 16, 2014

2014...and still no flying cars

Happy New Year to the seven people who read this blog!

I hope you all have an awesome year.

I didn't watch that many movies in December (I mean, that many for me, I definitely watched way more than a normal person). You see, I decided to revisit the Xena series which I loved in my youth. 132 episodes. 42 minutes each. And I watched every single one. Turns out, when I was younger, I had the good sense to quit television shows once they started to suck, which for Xena happened 110 episodes before the series ended. *shudder*

Anyway, let the healing begin. To wit: trying to wipe them from my memory. <---I wrote that sentence two weeks ago, but the scenes of people thawing out after being frozen for 25 years and Valkrie fire protection spells just flooded back into my head and crippled me. Hopefully, I can power through the pain today, here goes...

Blackfish This is an expose' about Seaworld's practice of capturing baby whales and training them to perform tricks for our amusment. The PETA people want all Seaworlds shut down and the whales released. As if. On the one hand, I like that we're arresting these vicious potential face eating killers and getting them out of the open water; on the other hand, I don't like that they're eating their captors with impunity. One whale has eaten like three women already! He should have BEEN turned into lamp oil.

Dreams of a Life The movie starts with the mummified corpse of a 38-year-old black woman discovered in front of her still-on television. It then goes back in time to try to discover what happened and why no one noticed she was missing for three years. Well, now that I've seen exactly how I'm going to die, I can live out the rest of my life with gusto.

The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance I think @luckbox was tweeting about how he'd never seen a John Wayne movie, I realized I hadn't either and then JuliusGoat told us to watch this one. I was super surprised at how diverse/progressive it was for this type of dated Western. It's about a big city lawyer who moves west and is angry that lawlessness runs amok, so he opens a law office. The criminals laugh in his face and challenge him to a duel, but then John Wayne is all "not so fast pilgrims" and goes John Wayne on their asses. It's okay. I've seen a John Wayne movie now.

30 for 30: Broke I don't know if these count as movies or TV shows, but this one is about these megastar athletes and how they lose their tens/hundreds of millions of dollars within 3-5 years of leaving their respective sports. So depressing really. They're all fucked up in the head and knees from playing professional sports, yet have nothing to show for it all.

TWA: Flight 800 Conspiracy fare about the FBI apparently covering up missiles shooting down the plane. I suppose they had a lot of supporting evidence, but never provided any motive that would explain why the FBI would do this.

Oldboy I wanted to see the original Korean movie before it got the Spike Lee treatment. OH MY FUCKING GOD. OH MY FUCKING GOD. SIIIICCCKKKK. THE SOUTH KOREANS ARE SICCCKKKKKK. The North Koreans are right to barricade themselves behind a protective wall to shield them from this tale of revenge and imprisonment and mystery and mind control. Oh no... wait... the South Koreans might come for me now... I'm sorry, I take it back. This movie was excellent and totally not sick. Please don't make me eat my father in a stew. *runs*

Insidious Chapter 2 I really liked the first Insidious movie. It was annoying and bland for the first three quarters and then the last bit just scared the ever living shit out of me and I had to apologize to the first three quarters. Well, the sequel sucked from start to finish. It was dumb. The acting was lame, the plot twists were lamer. BOOOO. BOOOOO. For shame. They should be sent off to South Korea.

Jobs This movie about the founder of Apple was okay. But I felt like they were constantly patting themselves on the back for little inside jokes that I just didn't get because I'm not a nerd or an Apple fanboy. I think they presume a lot more insider knowledge than I have.... I can't believe that the MAC personal computers were money losers though. All my school classrooms had them.

Elysium LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLLOL. This movie is just two hours of getting trolled by Hollywood. Matt Damon, savior of the all the brown people. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL Uh... it's about future Earth where the, I dunno, ozone layer is gone, so the rich people move to an outpost on the moon called Elysium, and leave robots behind on earth to keep law and order. Matt Damon something something and there's a shuttle and then the brown people are made citizens of Elysium and there's free healthcare for everyone. Ted Cruz gives this movie two thumbs down.

2 Guns This movie about two undercover officers who think the other is a real criminal, but then both get burned by their respective agencies and so both end up becoming criminals, isn't the worst movie I've ever seen. There are many shootouts and asplosions. I give it two Mellencamps.

Man of Steel ahahahahahahahahahhahahah Speaking of trolling.... I don't even understand how such a white/American supremacist movie gets made in this the 2013th year of our lord. Good lord. I love America as much if not more than this next guy, but this movie literally interchanges the phrases "people of Earth" and "Americans" sometimes even "Kansas." In essence, Kansas is all of earth. Sarah Palin gives this movie two thumbs up. I don't know why Hollywood has been unable to make a non laughable Superman movie since the 70s, but I think it's time they just give the fuck up.

Grizzly Man Listen ladies, and men, I suppose, if there is one takeaway from this movie, it's this: There is NO MAN WORTH GETTING EATEN BY A BEAR OVER. NONE. Okay, maybe Tom Brady -- but only if by getting eaten, you are saving him from being eaten -- but if he's being eaten already and his last words are "run," DO NOT grab a frying pan and hit the bear that's eating him. Oh, what's this movie about? A sociopath who thought he was friends with bears. And then he tells his girlfriend, hey, let's go spend the summer with my friends in Alaska and she's all "cool. Okay!" And then they get there and she's all "BEARS? YOUR FUCKING FRIENDS ARE BEARS?" And he's all "oh, don't be grumpy, ms. grumpface, come on and let me introduce you to "Growly and Teethy and Clawhands." And then they get eaten. The best part of the movie is that the director of the documentary actually interviews people who are like "dude, he thought he could hang out with bears. And then they ate him." There are stupid hippies in it too, but hopefully, they've been eaten by now.

Gerry So, here's the thing. Julius "The Monster" Goat recommended this movie to me. It's two hours of Matt Damon and Ben Affleck's brother trying to get out of the desert. They are both Gerry. Or neither of them are Gerry. Or we the viewers are Gerry. I don't know. I thought Roger Ebert's review of this movie was perfect. I didn't hate it, but only a monster would suggest that another human being watch it. *whistles*

A Town Called Panic Julius Goat and his kids filmed this movie in their basement. Evidently, it was raining out, so they got their toys and a video camera and let their imaginations run wild. I hate Julius Goat so much.