Monday, December 2, 2013

And so we come to December...

I went away on a week long road trip through the American south. I was very nervous about being pulled over by a cop in my BMW and getting shot to death. Or being hijacked at a gas station in my BMW and getting shot to death. Or cheering a Patriots win in Bank of America stadium and an angry Panthers fan shooting me to death. You get the idea.

Anyway, so I missed all my shows for a week, and upon my return, I discovered that I watch thirty shows. THIRTY. And they were still airing new episodes, so I tried to catch up, but they just kept coming and then Dr. Who came back (but Boardwalk went away...so, still thirty) ANYWAY, I just watched an episode of Person of Interest AND I'M SOOOO MAD that I can't watch anything anymore, so I'm taking a writing break. AN ANGRY ANGRY writing break. AARRGGGHHH DAMN YOU PERSON OF INTEREST. DAMN YOU TO THE DEEPEST PIT OF HELL!!)

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2 An unnecessary sequel to a perfect movie. I did not enjoy it at all. Kids might like it though. But the first one was awesomesauce.

12 Years a Slave So, before I left, I told Mary that if she didn't hear from me for 12 years, she should come fetch me from South Carolina. Because that is what I learned from 12 Years a Slave. Free black people go to the South and WHAMO. This is the story of an African-American musician who is kidnapped by shady carnies and sold into slavery where he languishes for some number of years. Oh yeah, twelve! Duh. This movie was good, but there were too many all-star cameos (from Paul Giamatti to Brad Pitt) that distracts from what is otherwise a stripped down brutal narrative.

Gravity This movie was great. It's probably too late, but I highly recommend seeing it in 3D at a theater. It's a weirdly intimate film set against a big blockbuster spectacle setting. It's about americans in space or one woman's journey from tragedy to triumph. Something. Go see it! (I got yelled at on twitter for being so effusive about Gravity, but being lukewarm about 12 Years. To which I responded "eh, I likes what I likes.")

Frank & The Robot This is a small independent film set in the not-to-distant future. It's about an old man dealing with dementia and how in the future they have robot helper aides. He was a robber and so he uses the robot to help him plan robberies again. It's cute. Susan Sarandon and the Cyclops kid from the X-men movies are in it.

New Jack City HAHAHAHAHAHAH I saw this in a theater when I was a kid. I must have snuck in cause for shizzle my mommy did NOT take me to see this movie about cops going undercover to bust a crack king. YO THE WIRE TOTES RIPS THIS MOVIE OFF! Except for the Wire didn't have laughable writing and camp acting. But other than that: SAME!

Tyler Perry's Temptation Sigh. I saw two Tyler Perry involved movies in a row without wanting to stab him in the face with a spoon. So, I thought, hey, maybe we can be friends, Tyler Perry and I. Maybe I can spend the money I have saved for the bail money I will need should I ever meet him on the street. BUT NOOOOOO. He has to go and make this claptrap about an uppity woman who dares want to open her own business and have a career. Seriously, Tyler Perry might be the devil. THE DEVIL. DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE. DO NOT AARRGGHHHH!!! STABBED WITH A SPOON, I TELL'S YA! Oh, and the *BEST* part of this movie is that he not only fucks up notions of equality and justice; he also fucks up basic tenets of Christianity. Homie doesn't get to "remarry and have a kid with some other chick" while his "first wife" is still alive. Adulterer much, Tyler Perry? AARRRGGHHH.

R.I.P.D. This is a cross between Men In Black and Ghost, if Men in Black and Ghost were the worst movies you ever saw. RIPD made me think Tyler Perry's Temptation wasn't so bad. Ryan Reynolds and I are broken up!

The Internship This is a cute movie about two middle aged guys, who are laid off, trying to make it in a field of youngsters at google. No really, google let them use their name and everything. I enjoyed it.

The Purge So, remember how when I saw "Edward Scissorhands" and couldn't believe it wasn't a horror movie and there were no scissorhanded rampages? WHAT A WASTE OF Tim Burton and something called Edward Scissorhands! That's how I feel about this movie which imagines a world where America suspends laws for 24 hours and you can kill and burn and maim as if your wont, without any consequences. The whole movie is just set in this one family's house. And we watch as they run and scream as ne'er do wells break through their defenses and try to pick them off. Booo. This should have been set on streets outside. Booo.

Pacific Rim We build giant robots to defeat the giant sea monsters? Cool. I'm in. Can't wait for the sequel. I imagine the monsters laid an egg and then it hatches and we have to bring back the monster fighting robots! I did not guess correctly on who would live.

The Heat I like the idea of a female buddy cop movie. I like Melissa Mccarthy and Sandra Bullock. But somehow I did not like the Heat. I dunno. It was just put together wrong. Maybe I'll like the sequel?

White House Down LISTEN. LLIISSSSTTTEEEEEENNN. Hollywood CANNOT make enough movies about the US President making a last stand to defend the White House, and by extension, America and all that America stands for! I am here for Olympus Down, White House Down, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue down, The house that the president lives in down, allluuhhhdem! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! (Oh, it's about a plot to overthrow the US President and the President, with the help of a Channing Tatum, fights back. *slow claps* *single tear falls from eye*)

The Hangover: Part III You know, as bad as it was, this was still better than two. Shrugs.

Monsters University I liked this installment better than the original, which I remember not liking at all. OMIGOSH, this movie is basically "The Internship" but animated!

The Croods This movie is about cavemen trying to survive the ice age or some nonsense. It's awful. I don't even think kids will like it.

Salinger I've long hated "The Catcher in the Rye." And because of that I have refused to read anything else by Salinger (except the Banafish story, I read that). I had it in my head that Salinger was basically a "Holden" (read: over privileged, spoiled whiner) but turns out he served in the infantry on D-Day, so I retract that. Of course, he "courted" 13-year-olds (when he was 30ish) so... I've gone from annoyed to creeped out. Win?

What Maisie Knew Sad film about an eight-year-old girl with a rock star mom who is always on tour and an older man father who isn't really interested in parenting. She gets shuttled between them during the divorce and then abandoned by both after the court gives the dad custody. Sadface. But it has a happy ending. Sorta.

Only God Forgives OH MY GAWD. So, you know how I've seen every Ryan Gosling flick on netflix? I was SO excited when I saw there was a new one. O_O DDUUUDDEEE. This movie is soo bad. First of all, I think it's set in Bangkok but everyone just speaks English with an accent. WUUTTT? Then, not only is Ryan Gosling NEVER shirtless, he also runs a fight club ring. SO he's always fighting, BUT IN A SUIT. THIS MOVIE IS JUST TROLLING US AT THIS POINT. *fights air*

The Loneliest Planet If there was a theme to this month's reviews, it's "recommendations" -- Jordan recommended Pacific Rim, @mediaobsessed recommended Salinger AND THEN THERE'S JULIUS GOAT. *glares* Grr. He recommended this movie about a couple hiking through somewhere. It's like 40 minutes of them la la la hiking, kinda making fun of their tour guide, two minutes of them getting held up at gunpoint and then forty minutes of them sulking around because the woman is mad the man pushed her in front of the gunman. (But like only for a second, he totally stepped in front of her after that second. It was like a moment of "no, TAKE HER" and she holds it against him. Sheesh. CHICKS, AMIRITE? But then the movie just ends. Horrible. BOOOO!!!

4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days This movie was also recommended by Julius Goat. It's sooooo soooo soooo shocking and horrifying, but you don't even know what's happening for the first half hour. I'm not sure if it'll ruin it to tell you what it's about, so I won't because I think it's good and everyone should see it. BUT ZOMG. ALL THE TRIGGER WARNINGS. LIKE ALL OF THEM! TRIGGERS EVERYWHERE!

Holy Motors So, this is where Julius Goat became "JULIUS THE MONSTER." Ask me what this movie is about. Go on. ASK. I HAVE NO EFFING IDEA!! THERE'S A FREAKING TEN MINUTE ACCORDION SOLO BREAK IN THE MIDDLE THOUGH!!! MONSTER!! HE'S A MONSTER!! In fact, I think he's making these movies in his basement JUST TO TROLL ME!!! HIM AND HIS @ASTINTO ALTER EGO. Cause there is NO WAY these are two different men! NO WAY!!

Frances Ha More like Frances "Meh." It's about a twenty-something who is still childishly living her dreams while her friends grow up around her and get married and new jobs and she just sorta dances through life. Literally. I dunno, I guess I should relate to her, but she's just such a dunderhead with logorrhea, I couldn't believe she didn't trip on her own feet, hit her head on the sidewalk and bleed to death internally. Of course, she gets it together in the end. Sorta. Meh.

Dogtooth JULIUS THE MONSTER STRIKES AGAIN! Actually, I liked this movie, but like "4 months", the horror of the movie sneaks up on you as the movie builds. Suddenly there's a sinkful of blood and a body in the trunk and you are wondering just exactly how we got here. Uh. Lemme slap a trigger warning on this one too.

Upstream Color Okay, so BOTH @astinto AND the Monster recommended this abstract abomination of a film. THAT'S HOW I KNOW THEY ARE THE SAME!! This movie is about a flower worm pig virus and running through the streets, hiding in bathtubs and falling over balcony railings. There is NO WAY two different people could have liked this... this.... what could AT BEST *LOOSELY* be described as a movie. GRRRR. WHAT THE HELL *WAS* THAT!

In Bruges I know you're asking yourself, but Dawn, Julius the MONSTER is a monster, why did you see so many of the movies he recommended? Well, I'm glad you asked. See, it started with him recommending THIS movie. NOW, *THIS* movie was FANTASTIC! Like, it was funny and touching, but there was a thriller aspect to it and it told a story with interesting characters and it had a start and a middle and an end. You laugh, you cry, you get sucked into pig movies with talking limousines! *throws fish*

The Vicious Kind Um... no idea what this movie is about. Hold on, lemmee go google. OH. BAH. GAH. *spits* this movie was horrendous. It's about a guy picking his brother and his brother's girlfriend up from college to drop them off at the dad's house. UGh. awful. Just awful. The brother sleeps with the brother's girlfriend. The end.

The English Teacher This movie had the potential to be good. It stars a teacher who tries to help a struggling former student by paying to mount a production of his play. Then it turns into a weird sex thing. Meh.

October Baby So, funny story, I saw a trailer for "August Rush" about a kid put up for adoption who finds his parents later...whatever, this was years ago, anyway, I'm scrolling through netflix and I see this movie and I think oh, that's the movie about the put up for adoption kid, so I click it. Well, October baby *IS* about a put up for adoption kid, BUT it's a movie funded by some Christian ministry in Tennesee, so it's about a FAILED ABORTION BABY put up for adoption! And it turns out, she *REMEMBERS* it! And she goes searching for her mom who tried to abort her. AND SHE FINDS HER! I'm giggling as I type this because the acting and dialogue is *precisely* what you're picturing as the product of a christian ministry. Jasmine Guy and the blond Dukes of Hazzard guy are in this for some reason. It's unintentionally HILARIOUS. Don't see it though.

The Lifeguard Why do all of Veronica Mars' movies suck? This flick about a 30 year old who goes back home because she's so sad about a tiger dying in an apartment that she needs to rape the 16-yr-old stoner kid down the street is dreadful. Basically, annoying selfish woman does annoyingly selfish shit. Film at 11. Yawn.

Open Water HOLY SHIT!! HOLY SHIT!! THIS MOVIE SCARED THE CRAP OUTTA ME!! (And yes, I realize, low hanging fruit.) IT'S GREAT. Like Gravity, but in the ocean space. SEE IT!!

Arbitrage Dumb Richard Gere movie. Man goes drunk driving with mistress, crashes, kills her, calls up the only black person he knows to help him flee the scene. Sigh. I wish I was exaggerating. Turns out he's also a business crook.

Empire State Dumb movie with The Rock about dumb kids who try to pull off a heist and end up ticking off the mob. It's supposedly "based on a true story." Yawn.

Regarding Henry Dumb Harrison Ford movie where he is a crack lawyer but then gets shot in the head and realizes there is more to life than winning trials! Double Yawn.

The General's Daughter Dumb John Travolta movie where he is a military investigator trying to figure out who raped and murdered the general's daughter. Sample dialogue "She may have been murdered that night, general, but YOU KILLED HER YEARS AGO!" Eye. Roll.