Friday, November 1, 2013


Ugh. Not to be confused with that Movember thing where savages walk around with hairy faces like cave people. Gross. You get running water, electricity and flat screen TVs, in exchange you shave your face. THAT IS CIVILIZATION, PEOPLE!!!

Okay, rant over, movie time!

It’s the holidays and stuff, so I planned to focus on a central theme like horror movies for Halloween or family movies for Thanksgiving. But, like always, I then remembered I’m terrible at plans and/or follow through, so we just watched a bunch of random films. Oh, I did manage to see a Jason Statham movie every Friday. Cause Friday is my shooty movies day because… brain something something. (Sorry, writing these on Friday and words are hard. Not a good day to start NanoMoSomething, but start it I will anyway! Crap. Where was I?) Hmm… can I review the Jason Statham movie I just finished because technically, it was a November movie? Eh, if you don’t tell, I won’t ask. That’s not how that goes. Sigh.

Hashtag Friday Brain.

Redemption Jason Statham! Friday. You know what? There wasn’t that much shooting in this one. He plays a rogue British special ops guy who was ambushed in Afghanistan and killed a bunch of civilians in retaliation. Now he’s on the run from MI5 or 6 or Interpol or whatever. He’s hiding as a bum and befriends a runaway girl. But the girl gets taken in by pimps, so then he breaks into an apartment and steals that guys identity and then he becomes a hitman… um, and he makes out with a nun from the homeless shelter. Okay, okay I’m not explaining this right. Jason Statham. There are scenes where he’s shirtless. Moving on.

Tyler Perry’s Good Deeds I liked this movie. I confess I accidentally clicked on it before I saw the Tyler Perry brand and didn’t turn it off when I saw his stupid face cause I figured I hadn’t shat all over a Tyler Perry movie in a while. But hey, it turns out he’s not always a repulsive sexist buffoon. Though, there were sexist buffoonish elements to this movie about a rich man who falls in love with the single mom janitor and quits his job to move to Africa with her. (Seriously, “Africa.” The camera pans on the boarding passes he gives her and it says “Africa 2:00 PM” I laughed.)

Take This Waltz Okay, this is one of those movies that I can’t in good conscience tell anyone to watch cause, it IS weird… but it’s interesting. At first brush, this movie starring Michelle Williams seems like your typical annoying flighty girl meets boy movie. (“I’m afraid of being afraid” is sample dialogue from the first twenty minutes, during which she pretends to be wheelchair bound AND a tour guide.) And after you watch it, you will want to hunt down @astinto and lock him away in a dark, damp place with fire breathing bees coated in peanut oil as his only company. But, then you suddenly realize the whole movie basically tracks this chick on a love bender and you decide that’s kind of funny. Plus, bonus points for creative use of “video killed the radio star” outside of a trivia context.

Girl in Progress This is another movie that I turned against a quarter of the way through, but won me over in the end. Again, I can’t tell anyone to see it, cause, it is your typical coming of age story about a teen who decides her single mom is the worst and she wants to run away fare, but the actors are cute and I didn’t want to stab anything by the end. It stars the poor man’s Rosario Dawson.

Mama I don’t read reviews or synopses before I see movies. This is probably why I see so many bad flicks, but I honestly like to be surprised/unbiased when I see things, so I go in blind. However, sometimes a movie is so bizarre, that I have to google reviews afterwards. And for mama, I found this one.

I laughed so hard reading this review, I completely forgot what I had originally found so confusing. These questions are such a brilliant takedown of Mama, that I kinda recommend you see it, so you can read this review and appreciate their genius. But only kinda. Mama is dumb.

The Other Woman I usually hate adultery movies. They offend me to my puritanical core and it blocks out my ability to see anything other than cheating garbage piles of humanity. However, this story about wife number two and how she step parents and deals with the ex wife and her own parents, was interesting enough to break through that. So, that says something.

Hyde on Hudson Ugh. I do not like when movies make me dislike figures that I previously liked. This is an adultery movie about FDR. See above. Barf.

Following This movie is only like 70 minutes long, but it’s brilliant. It’s done by the Batman movies guy. It’s about a loser who decides to randomly follow people and one day, he ends up following THEEEE WRONG DUDE. Scary. Sad. But mostly scary and I’m never making eye contact with anyone ever again.

The Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia This movie is fantastic! It’s a documentary about “hillbillies.” They are lawless white people who live on the dole. And I probably shouldn’t have just written that because I’m now afraid they might kill me.

House at the End of the Street This movie had a twist that I didn’t see coming. It’s about Katniss Everdeen and her single mom moving into a house in a fancy town because they got a deal on it due to the murder house being across the street. Katniss is drawn to the broody young man living there – the only surviving member of his family after his sister double murdered his parents. The last twenty minutes are scary and engaging, but not enough to make up for the first banal hour and a half.

First Position Great documentary about young dancers from all over the world trying to win scholarships and jobs in the elite ballet schools/troupes. Did you know I danced ballet for 10 years because my mother has long dreamed of having a daughter very different from the one she actually has? It’s true. There are adorable pictures.

Away From Her Okay, I believe I have now officially seen every Sarah Polley movie in existence? Um… I didn’t like this one at all. It’s about a man putting his demented wife in a home, but she hangs on to lucidity just long enough to give him permission to leave her and then when he’s cheating on her, it’s only to get her boyfriend back in the home with her. Eyeroll. Super flimsy and cliché. Boo.

Young Adult I LOVED THIS MOVIE. It seems a wonder that it didn’t star Katherine Heigl though. It was totally her wheelhouse. But Academy Award winner Charlize Theron shines as a young adult novelist (see what they did there?) who goes back to her hometown after getting an e-mail that her high school boyfriend and his wife have just had a baby. The whole cast is brilliant and the movie is great. Nine hundred thumbs up. (I think only 450 people saw this movie. Sadface.)

Much Ado About Nothing This movie was well done. It’s in black and white and it’s Shakespeare, so definitely don’t watch it on a Friday. Also, I thought the SHIELD Agent Coulson guy was woefully miscast. But seeing Fred and Wesley together again, was totes worth it! Bravo. So good.

World War Z I didn’t hate this movie. Though I haven’t read the book(s) and heard that those make the movie look like puke. Basically, an infection has spread, turning large swaths of the earth’s population into zombies and Brad Pitt has to figure out how to stop it in time to save his family…um… and the little Mexican boy they find in Newark! (That was my favorite part, the Newark scene. I’m like “end of the world Newark looks EXACTLY like the 2010 shithole Newark I had to work in for a month. Newark. *shudder*)

This is the End HAHHAHAHA speaking of the end of the world… this movie was great, despite large doses of James Franco. Basically, the rapture has come and the movie follows six A-B list Hollywood actors who are trapped together in James Franco’s mansion after a party. Great deaths of some of the most annoying celebrities AND a hilarious Emma Watson cameo. I laughed a lot.

The Bling Ring AHAHAHAHAHAHh Hermione Granger is on a roll. Here she plays one of a band of teenagers who break into celebrity homes and steal. She is very good. Oh, this movie is awful though.

The Whistleblower This was not a Friday movie. This was a serious Tueday movie. Tuesday is the day we tackle serious topics like sex trafficking and corruption of the UN Peacekeeping force in Bosnia. So…yeah. Tuesday! The movie is kinda meh. But justice and… truth…yeah…meh.

Resident Evil WHY HAVE YOU PEOPLE NEVER TOLD ME ABOUT RESIDENT EVIL??? I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS!!! Duuuddeeeeee. I think I kinda love movies where the AI goes rogue and starts slicing people up with lasers! (The zombie component made little to no sense, but the LASERS and the gassing and the train and the running. Yep, I’m here for all of that.)

Fire With Fire This movie literally has half a star on Netflix. I saw that it had half a star on Netflix. I clicked it anyway. I deserved every minute of this drivel about a man in witness protection who decides he’s got to take the law into his own hands! Ugh. UGH. SOOO fucking bad. Do you see the title? HE’S A FIREMAN! Do you know how he kills the bad guy in the end? WITH FIRE! *throws all the throwable things* It stars the rich man’s Eva Mendes.

After Earth Speaking of awful movies. Why does America keep trying to make Jaden Smith happen? This movie is about Earth After… um… I think it was an invasion or something. And Will Smith is the big commander and Jaden is his son who wants to follow in his footsteps to fight the wooly mammoth thingies. Booorrriiiinnngggg.

The Space Between This was another Tuesday movie. It’s about a little boy whose taxi driver dad drops him off at the airport to go to boarding school in California before going to his second job at Windows on the World on a Tuesday morning in 2001. Waaaaaaa. The kid is assigned a surly flight attendant because he is an unaccompanied minor. She then rents a car to drive him back to New York after the terror attacks and we find out her husband worked at a federal building in Oklahoma City in 1995. Waaa *Cries all the tears*

The Intouchables This movie about a paraplegic --- um…quadriplegic maybe (he can talk and movie his head, but nothing else) rich old man who decides to hire the brash, teenage black guy who only showed up to the job interview to be able to get unemployment benefits is interesting. It wasn’t magical negro offensive. I liked the dynamic between the characters, though, naturally, there was stereotypical black guy steals expensive thing from man stuff, but I still liked it. What was weird, is that at the end, they say the movie is based on a true story and they show a picture of the wheelchaired man and his aide… but the aide wasn’t black at all! I don’t think I’ve ever seen that kind of race changing in a “based on a true story” movie before.

Edison Force Holy Shit. I’ve been writing for hours. How many damn movies did I see this month?! This flick about a corrupt elite special force is garbage. Don’t see it. Don’t talk to anyone who has seen it.

Safe Jason Statham Friday, ya’ll! He is on the run from the mob after he was supposed to throw a fight but didn’t. He finds a young Chinese girl who is also on the run and decides to help her. There is much shooting and shirtless Jason Stathamness.

I don’t know how she does it O_O. <- My sternly serious face. Everyone involved in this movie, from the actors to the writers to the directors should forever be banned from making movies EVER AGAIN. This movie was offensive in every sense of the word. EVERY. SINGLE. SENSE. It was also wretched. To say I hated this movie doesn’t even come close to capturing the anger and disgust whirling around my head after I finished it.

Intolerable Cruelty You know what’s worse than accidentally watching a Coen Brothers movie after you’ve sworn to never again watch a Coen Brothers movie? Realizing an hour and a half into it THAT YOU’VE ALREADY SEEN THIS GODAWFUL movie about a divorce lawyer who marries a gold digging woman. DUDE. THE FUCK ??? ARRGGHHH

End of Watch This movie is about beat cops. One white, one latino. They patrol the streets of East LA. Three guesses which one is shot to death trying to save the other one. Eyeroll. Skip. SKIP. SKIP.

The Kid With a Bike Aww, this is a movie about a kid abandoned by his father who then sells his bike. A hairdresser buys it back for him. He asks her if she will be his new mom. Then he joins a gang. It might be in French. I don’t fully remember.

Beyond The Sea Kevin Spacey plays Bobby Darin. I didn’t know anything about Bobby Darin. There were dazzling musical numbers. It was fine.

The Double This movie is bad. Oh my god why did Eric Foreman ever leave that seventies show to do movies? He is awful at it. And this movie about a Russian double agent who is activated to find another Russian double agent is no exception to the suck. Russian double agents? Jaysus. What year is it? 2011?

Another Happy Day This movie is also bad. It’s one of those Holden Caulfield “I’m a spoiled rich boy who is the only one in the world ‘keepin’ it real and god my mom is SUCH A BITCH” movies. There are voiceovers and a wedding on the private estate of some one or another and there’s not a person of color to be found for miles and miles.

Arthur Newman Blargh. Another wretched pick by me. This one is about a man who fakes his death to leave his girlfriend and son and that bitch of an ex wife. He then, OF COURSE, takes up with the runaway twenty nothing girl who is steals his wallet. Eyeroll.