Friday, June 28, 2013
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Nick of Time
Johnny Depp returns home from his ex-wife's funeral and is met by Mr Smith and Ms. Jones who kidnap his daughter and give him a loaded gun and the itinerary of California's governor and is informed that he must kill her within the hour or his daughter will die. This movie is super dumb. It's Johnny Depp running around writing notes to strangers that say "help! They've kidnapped my daughter" and then watching the various ways those strangers dispose of those notes unread. BLARGH.
A Kiss Before Dying
This is an old timey film noir type movie. It's actually still very creepy. I saw the Matt Dillon version. I liked it. Nice twist at the end.
Fast & Furious Six: Fasterererrerer with EXTREME FURIOUSITY
Loved it. Listen. LISTEN. Cars asplode. Vin Diesel. The Rock. That dude with the pretty eyes. I AM HERE FOR ALL OF IT! Halfway through the movie, I was all, maaaan, I hope they make enough Fasts and Furiouses so that you could spend a whole day just watching pretty cars get blown up by rocket launchers. THEY'RE HALFWAY THERE PEOPLE!!
Loved it. Recently, I heard the word "abortion" used to refer to something other than a fetus termination, and this has become my turn of phrase du jour. For instance, after the Ironman 2 abortion of a movie, I wrote off the franchise and even almost boycotted Avengers. I waited so long to even go see Ironman 3, it was no longer available in 3D. Didn't care. But, I actually loved Ironman 3. It was funny, it made sense, I got to see bad things happen to Gwyneth Paltrow... stuff blows the hell up. I give it three iron thumbs up!
The Man with the Iron Fists
There was a dude with Iron Fists. He bashed things with them. All the women die. Or get left. I think it's supposed to be an homage to old Bruce Lee movies. But gorier. It's okay.
This was a cute mashup of a romantic comedy and zombie apocalypse movie. Girl meets corpse and whatnot. Did I say cute? It's cute.
I wanted to see if I hated Tyler Perry or just movies written and directed by Tyler Perry. Turns out, it might be the latter. Though Alex Cross is not good, it's just shy of utterly awful, I could imagine a different kind of movie starring, but not written or directed by Tyler Perry, that didn't completely suck. Alex Cross is not that movie though. (Crazy assasin kills Tyler Perry's wife and his partner's girlfriend and they set out to avenge their women and murderize him.) This movie might have been huge in the 80s.
This movie should have been called "making Pyscho" as you don't *really* learn anything about the man himself. Like his life or death or anything. It's just about his struggle to make this movie and the strain it puts on his marriage. It mostly just makes you want to rent Pyscho. Speaking of, there's a funny scene where Hitchcock has to go to the motion picture censor guy for approval. Pyscho almost gets nixed for showing a flushing toilet. Which just begs the question, when did the censors just give the fuck up? I mean, how do you go from not allowing a toilet to be seen to showing two guys blowing off the head of a black kid and then scraping the brain bits out of the backseat with towels? Oh, America.
Playing for Keeps
This is a total Jennifer Aniston movie...except she's not in it. I think the casting people now think Jennifer Aniston is too old for Jennifer Aniston movies. Instead they hire Justin Timberlake's wife. She is terrible. This movie is terrible. The kid is okay. And I liked the car. The dad misses his kid's soccer game and makes it up to him by letting him drive the Ferrari home. The kid snitches and tells the mom. You know, what? The kid is also terrible.
Tom Cruise is a retired military investigator. He has a long reach, jack! He's Jack Reacher! Okay, I make fun, but if you just turn your brain off, you'll enjoy it. It's a harmless whodunit, conspiracy action movie where Tom Cruise beats people up and shoots bad guys.
I didn't even know this was an Adam Sandler movie till the credits. It's a cute cartoon about a single vampire dad's efforts to keep his daughter away from humans.
Billy...um... not Dee or Williams...oh CRYSTAL! It's Billy Crystal being Billy Crystal. "Oh, these kids today with their gizmos and their gazmos. In my day, we watched baseball! Blah blah!" And Bette Midler is in it. She sings and does that hip shaking thing she does in all her movies. It's fine.
The Expendables 2
This is THEEE single greatest movie ever made in the 21st century. The good guy bursts into the church where the bad guys are preparing and stabs the lead bad guy in the face on top of the altar and then he goes "I now pronounce you man and KNIFE!" Get it? Get it? Instead of wife...knife...cause he stabbed him??? WITH A KNIFE!!! DUDE! *slow clap*