Tuesday, May 7, 2013

MAYDAY MAYDAY

I TOTALLY FORGOT ALL ABOUT MAY MOVIE REVIEWS! I'm sorry to have worried you all. I am alive and well and not being held captive in a Cleveland house. Although, if I were being held captive, my captors would probably not let me blog about it -- in fact, they'd probably make me say I wasn't!

Maybe I should have a secret code word.

Hmm... how about, if I really AM being held captive in a house in Cleveland, but they still let me blog, I will write a post about how awesome Tyler Perry movies are! THAT WAY, you'll DEFINITELY know that I AM IN TROUBLE AND YOU'LL SEND HELP! Preferably Tom Brady or Ryan Gosling, but 911 works too.

Okay, enough of my madness, you've waited LONG ENOUGH for my brilliant movie insights!

Speaking of Tyler Perry, I rented This is 40. It is not a Tyler Perry flick, but WOO BOY it may as well be. That Judd Apatow dude sure hates women almost as much as Tyler Perry does. And boy does it shine through in this movie about a shrewish wife who is unreasonably upset that her husband has squandered their money and now has to sell their house -- OH, AND HE HASN'T BOTHERED TO TELL HER! Oh and never mind his intolerable insane irrational teenage daughters! RAWR! Oh, this poor poor man! Why LAWD? WHHYYYY? *Eyeroll* The only non stereotypical part of the movie is Albert Brooks playing the overbearing money grubbing Jewish dad. Oh...wait. Seriously: EYE. ROLL.

Sixteen Candles I was watching an episode of "Go On," Matthew Perry's underrated NBC sitcom, and they recreated a scene from Sixteen Candles, that I didn't remember, so I rented it again. Oh good lord. This movie goes from dumb to offensive and back to dumb again with almost NO warning! The gonging sound at every mention of the Asian exchange student? The fact that the "hero" gives permission to "the geek" to rape his passed out girlfriend. I can't. How is this a "cherished" classic? Ugh. I can't. Did I already say that. YARF. Incidentally, my mom also forgot my sixteenth birthday. So, really this whole movie is a tragedy.

Pretty in Pink The experience with Sixteen Candles led me to wonder if all John Hughes movies were horror shows disguised as family entertainment, so I watched this movie too. Oddly enough, as often as I've seen clips of Duckie lip synching to Otis Redding, I HAVE NEVER seen Pretty in Pink! It's actually a cute movie and not at all a horror show. I liked the dad/daughter relationship and although the "poor girl in a rich school" thing was a bit contrived, I liked it and I liked the ending. And the lip synching was cool!

Central Park Five Oh, America. I actually remember when these boys were arrested. All the newspapers were rife with stories about wilding and "the urban element" ruining New York City. The city's "just not safe" is a refrain I heard over and over on the news. And I remember thinking "NO SHIT." But that was before I realized no one cared that where *I* lived in New York City wasn't safe, but CENTRAL PARK?? *GASP* *FAINT* ANYWAY, imagine my surprise that those "wilding animals" were released AND EXONERATED!! DUDE!!! I HAD NO IDEA! It's sad that, like the famous quote goes, there is nowhere to go to get your reputation back. Turns out my litigation skills professor was the lead prosecutor too. Gulp! Sad. Interesting watch.

The Guilt Trip THIS MOVIE WAS FANTASTIC! I know what I'm about to type will sound strange, but why isn't Barbra Streisand a bigger star? I can't think of a bad Streisand movie! And doesn't she also direct?? Fuck a Ben Affleck! Giimmmeeee more Babs! I had such LOW expectations for this movie because I super hate Seth Rogen, like really really mega hate, but he works in this movie and Streisand was GREAT. The script about an adult son inviting his mom along on a spur of the moment cross country roadtrip was pitch perfect. You'll laugh, you'll cry. You'll some sentence with schfitz or kvetch cause I'm totally racist. SO GOOD!

Silver Linings Playbook You know what's NOT good? Silver Linings Playbook. From the promos, I knew this movie was about Eagles fans, so my instinct was to stay far away. But then it got nominated for Oscars and that girl won the Meryl Streep, so I figured I must be missing something. NNOOOPPPEEEE. Terrible. It's a terrible terrible terrible movie. It handles the issue of mental illness in a wretched sterotypey way (so poorly is therapy and medication handled that I assumed we were watching stuff that was only happening in the mind of the main character and that he was still just in the mental hospital. Again, NNNOOOPPPEEEE.) Bad. All bad. The black guy was funny though.

The Impossible This is a movie about an Australian family living through a devasting tsunami that hit Thailand. First, now I'm scared of tsunamis. Second, it's an okay "based on true events" kinda movie. But the focus on how devasted the tourists are gets very annoying when you think about how the people *who live in Thailand* probably maybe kinda sorta might also have suffered because THEIR *HOMES* WERE DESTROYED. Maybe?

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey This movie was fine. But I feel like I'm still watching it. You know, cause it's long. And did they break out into song? I think that happened. But I don't wanna rewind to find out cause...you know, long. Just read the book, buddy.

Django Unchained I don't know what I expected from this movie. I read lots of angry headlines about it (I skip reading whole reviews because I don't like spoilers) and I thought it was going to be racisty or something. But it was your run of the mill Tarantino bloodshedfest and I loved every minute of it. Tarantino gives good gratuitous violence AND I AM HERE FOR ALL OF IT!

Life of Pi This book was the first book I ever read for a "book club." It was also the first book I read "for discussion" since I'd graduated from law school, so I read carefully and took notes of recurring themes and plot points and then, of course, I went and discovered "book clubs" were just fronts for wine drinking. That was also when I discovered people used "fronts" for wine drinking! WHAT? Anyway, I loved the book and I thought the movie captured the book PERFECTLY. I can't even explain it, but it felt like re-reading the book, even though the movie deviated in some big ways. I liked Life of Pi and highly recommend it! So good!

Mini's First Time Unlike Mini's First Time, which was bad. Super bad, but not like Superbad, which was good. BARF. Alec Baldwin plays a stepfather who starts an affair with his stepdaughter and then they kill the mom and the police get involved and.. BLAH BLAH SO BAD! The acting is bad, the script is bad, the film quality is grainy, the sound mixing IS THE WORST. (Okay, I don't know what sound mixing actually is, but since there was NO part of this movie that was good, I stand by my assesment!) YARF!

Rust and Bone Sometimes, I like to play this game when watching a movie. When people are talking, I'll fill in a completely inappropriate response. Or when people are casually strolling through a park, I'll imagine a meteor falling to earth and crushing one of them. Then I'll laugh and continue watching whatever drivel the movie ACTUALLY offers. WELL. Rust and Bone was all JOKE'S ON YOU, SUMMERS! Cause there I am all giggling about their casual stroll through the park when WHAM A METEOR ACTUALLY FALLS OUT OF THE SKY AND CRUSHES ONE OF THEM! (Metaphorically, of course. I don't wanna say what actually happens because IT'S SO SHOCKING! But, if you know me or have read much of my work, know this: I CALLED THAT SHIT!) Anyway, so then the meteor crushes one of them and the movie continues and you get complacent and listen to the dialogue and then you, meaning me, imagines some other crazy left field thing happening AND THEN THAT HAPPENS! And you're, meaning me, SO SORRY! YOU're ALL "I WAS KIDDING!! NOOO, Don't do that!!!" And Rust and Bone just sits there AND LAUGHS. SO CRUEL. But good. I'm sorry. SO SO SO SORRY *TEN STANCE*

Rise of the Guardians This is a dumb animated feature about what would happen if the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy were really like a band of super friends fighting off the evil....um...death maybe? no...something...I think Jude Law was the voice. Blech. It's dumb. It's not for kids, it's not for grownups. Meh.

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