Tuesday, April 2, 2013

April is the cruelest month

I was going to send Julius Goat a tweet yesterday containing my usual foot tapping, so he would think I had my April movie review post done. BUT THEN, nothing would be there because it WASN'T done! And then I would say "April Fool's" and laugh and laugh. But then I got distracted with Walking Dead, Game of Thrones, the Mets and the Rangers and next thing you know, it's April 2nd and the post actually IS done, so... (and this is why Dawn Summers can't get nowhere as a prankster.)
Anyhoo...this see what we have here...

Lincoln BBBOOORRRRRRIIIIINNNNNNGGGG. I don’t know why this movie isn’t called "The Thirteenth Amendment." Because that’s all it’s about. It’s not about Abraham Lincoln – not about his childhood or his marriage or his children or even his presidency, really – it’s about the twelve months preceding the ratification of the thirteenth amendment. Sadly, even though Spielberg chooses this narrow sliver of a political moment, he still mostly gets it wrong and manages to whitewash all black involvement out of it, save the occasional sad eyes of his wife’s black maid or Senator Stevens’ black lover who is unveiled in the last scene. Eye roll. Joe Morton could totes have played Frederick Douglass! I deeply and sincerely hate Hollywood sometimes. Anyway, bah. This movie is dumb and boring. And I have no idea why any of these people were nominated for anything.

Miss Dial This movie is a cute little romantic comedy about a work from home customer service representative who decides to robo call random strangers during the day. There’s a surprise ending that I didn’t see coming.

The Brother from Another Planet This movie was weird. It’s about an alien who takes the form of a black man and lands in Harlem. He is being chased by other aliens, but it’s not really made clear in the movie why or who they are. The movie chiefly runs on the premise – hey, he’s an alien, but he’s a black guy! Get it? Cause America kinda treats black guys like *they’re* aliens… eh… eh… GET IT??! Some of it works, some of it doesn’t.

A Separation This movie was great. Oh, I meant to google this before I wrote the racist-ish sentence I’m about to write, but… uh… hi, I’m super lazy. Racist sentence coming in 3…2… so this movie is about people in Iran or Iraq or somewhere in that region of the world (hangs head in shame) the woman wants to come to America, the husband doesn’t want to because he has to care for his senile father. The woman files for divorce hoping the husband will change his mind rather than get divorced. He doesn’t and then he has to hire a woman worker to do the housekeeping/caretaking. Some stuff happens and the police are called. And then it gets sad. There is a preteen daughter involved. Sniff sniff.

Killing Them Softly This is another one of those “trying to make you think” movies. Brad Pitt plays an assassin, but his work is juxtaposed with images of President Bush and Senator Obama making speeches during the great ’08 economic meltdown. I think we’re supposed to conclude that politicians and assassins are all just doing a job. Or something. There’s some funny dialogue, but it’s a pretty bad flick.

Celeste and Jesse Forever Speaking of bad flicks… This movie is basically ugh…what’s the word… something like self indulgent or narcissistic…but not that… OH It’s 100 minutes of Rashida Jones vanity shots. Oh here’s Rashida jogging. *Quick camera angle switch* Here’s Rashida dancing. *Camera switch* Here’s Rashida sitting on a couch looking out the window wistfully. Kill me. Oh, and the flimsy excuse for a plot is that her husband (from whom she is already separated) has impregnated a Brazilian art something or another and needs the divorce finalized so he can remarry. So she has to learn to get on with her own life. *Quick camera angle switch* Here’s Rashida crying a single tear into her oversized coffee mug.

Bachelorette The fat girl in a group of four high school friends announces she is engaged. The other three girls go mad with jealousy that the fat girl is the first of them to get married. They behave poorly at the rehersal dinner, get drunk, ruin her wedding dress, realize what they’ve done and spend the next 85 minutes of the movie trying to fix it before her wedding the next morning. Eh. I’ve seen worse movies.

Zero Dark Thirty Liiikkkeeeee…for instance, Zero Dark Thirty. I believe I tweeted “I feel like I’m watching the 11 year search for Osama bin Laden in real time.” This movie was not engaging. You don’t get a sense of any of the characters – I think it’s supposed to be action driven – so they crib clips and footage from the World Trade Center and London bombings, but it just doesn’t work. You care about the victims of those attacks and then wham they drag you away and you’re watching Jessica Chastain pace about in the desert. Blah. You don’t even realize they’re chasing bin laden until like 20 minutes from the end AND THEN, they don’t even show the bin laden killing. Blah. Argo was way better.

Katy Perry: Part of Me A touching documentary about the life and heartbreak of pop sensation Katy Perry. I don’t particularly care for her music and was kinda making fun of the movie as I watched… but you get sucked in. She seems like a genuinely nice person and you want to stab Russell Brand in the face for crushing her little soul.

Edward Scissorhands O_O How was this NOT a horror movie?? A GUY WITH SCISSORS FOR HANDS!!! TIM BURTON!!! I WANTED MASS STABBINGS!! Not suburban barbarism. FIE! FIE! This movie is a dumb waste of time. I want to write a screenplay called Edward Scissorhands about a man who comes to a sleepy homogenous town and murders people. Tim Burton can direct.

The Campaign OH. MY. GAWD. This movie was hilarious. I can’t even begin to tell you how hard I laughed and laughed…I didn’t even think I would like it because I generally don’t like Hangover/Old School type comedies. But The Campaign wasn’t gross out/naked ladies humor, it was good old fashioned “dog punching” funny. SO GOOD!

Sound of My Voice It’s like a documentary about a couple who goes undercover in a cult run by a woman who says she’s from the future, but it’s a movie movie. But it’s well done and you forget that it’s not real and you think it’s real and then you’re all “oh no, she’s gonna catch them!” And then the man in the couple sorta starts to believe and then you sorta start to believe and then you remember this is why you should never read any scientology literature or let those mormon missionaries into your apartment.

LOL Um. First, yes, that’s the name of the movie. And second, yes, you should point your finger and LOL at anyone who watches this Miley Cyrus/Demi Moore shitshow.