Wednesday, January 2, 2013

The world didn't end January reviews!

So, another month of these, eh? Don't blame me, it's not Mayan fault. HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I've been working on that forever, practically since LAST YEAR! HAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHHAHHHAHAHAAHAH


I am SO funny.

Anyhoo... *whistles* LET'S BEGIN!

Rock of Ages
This movie was AWESOME! At Astin Toe said he didn't like, At Astin Toe clearly does not like good things. I bet he doesn't even KNOW how to make chocolate chip cookies with not too many chocolate chips. HMPH Rock of Ages has rock music and pop music and there's big star names and dancing and magical negroes who save blond girls from the street and gets them on the pole....MA-GIK!

Magic Mike
But NOT as MA-GIK as Magic Mike, because... DUH, Magic Mike's got MA-GIK RIGHT THERE IN THE TITLE!! DUUUUUDDDEEEEE. This movie is a glorious triumph of ab muscles and hip shaking and booty poppin! Bravo, Tatum guy, BRAVO! This movie is near perfection, it could stand for a bit of editing --- there was way too much blah blah blahing with shirts and pants and the "love story" with the girl should be axed. This is about the love of a man for his body oils. And dancing. DANCING. It's about the ART, man! THE ART!

Lola Versus
This movie about a woman who turns 29 and has her life flipped upside down when her fiancee calls off their wedding and her best guy friend admits to having feelings for her is terrific! Like, at first, you're all "ugh whiny hipster twenty something white women...NOOOO," but the dialogue is snappy and funny. The cast is phenomenal, the lead girl is like a better Chloe Sevigny-- who, INEXPLICABLY, gets all these accolades for having sex with her boyfriend on film -- isn't that just a porn star?? Hmm.... it's gonna turn out that the lead girl is in fact Chloe Sevigny, isn't it? I'm not checking. Nobody tell me. BOOO. Anyway, great flick! Actually, the guy leads are a bit bland.

Red Lights
The first thirty minutes of this movie were so dark and mysterious and promising that you will sit through the next 95 minutes. But those 95 are so cliched and dumb and lame and predictable, you will be angry and leave your house in the middle of a blizzard to mail it back to Netflix because under NO circumstances did you want to be trapped with that piece of shit movie in your house.

The Watch
Umm... this movie wasn't bad. I do remember laughing. The plot of neighborhood watchmen discovering a hostile alien nest under their local Costco is... um... possible? I dunno. It didn't suck, but I wouldn't watch it again.

Seeking a Friend for the End of the World
This movie is great! I wouldn't exactly call it a "romantic comedy," but Steve Carrell is pitch perfect and the British girl lead is also great. The plot is basically, that a meteor or something is going to crash into earth and so people face living out the last 60 days of their lives. There's looting. And fleeing. It's good.

This movie is terrible. It's worse than terrible. This movie is probably why Whitney drowned herself in a hotel bathtub. Her assistant was like "here's the final cut of Sparkle Ms. Houston" and she was all "cool, thanks Janice, I'll just watch it on my Mac Book Pro now." And then she drowned herself. That is, of course, mere speculation. It's possible that she did a whole bunch of drugs during the last half of the movie AND THEN drowned herself. BLECH!

Hope Springs
This movie was DEEE-PRESSING. Seriously, I almost stopped watching it twice because Meryl Streep just breaks your gotdamn heart with one look. She's so good. They should rename the Oscar's "The Streeps" and just give her alluluhdem! Tommy Lee Jones does his typical grumpy old man schtick, but it's cool cause he plays a grumpy old man trying to understand why his wife of thirty years is seemingly suddenly so unhappy. They go to Steve Carrell for therapy. And no it's not "ha ha funny." Carrell's career has really taken a pleasant sharp left turn away from his stupid 40 year old Virgin days. Anyway, it's good, if you can survive the first 98% you do get to a happy ending for the wife. But maaaaannn. Hide the sharp objects.

That's My Boy
So, you know, if you think rape and child abuse could possibly be funny, I guess this is the movie for you. Adam Sandler and new Adam Sandler give it the old college try. Spoiler alert: It's terrible.

Brothers Grimm I'm not sure if Heath Ledger ever got an Oscar, but if he did, this movie has to be the worst movie in the world starring two Oscar winners. If he did not, then it's just a bad bad movie. BAD.  

The Queen of Versailles This documentary about Jackie and David Siegel, who set out to build the largest single family home in America -- two years before the bottom falls out of the market -- is AMAZING! David Siegel himself calls it a "riches to rags story," and you kinda follow the family from their halcyon days of hosting beauty pageant contestants and private planes to public school and dead animals (PROVING my long held theory that if you have pets, you're not poor.) David is a damn hell ass monster, but Jackie is likeable and sympathetic, you will be rooting for her... sorta.

Red Hook Summer
This movie is very long and weird and random. At times it feels like a home movie trying to be a real movie -- like what my theater troupe would do every summer in junior high school and the random Spike Lee cameos reviving his pizza delivering "Mookie" character, just adds to the feeling that this isn't a "proper movie," but sketches or something. I hated it for a good 96 minutes. The story about a preppy, vegan Atlanta teen being dropped off by his mom for a summer with grandpa in Red Hook is weird. Evidently, the two male relatives have never met, the boy breaksdown about his dad's death in Afghanistan and the grandfather is like "oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know." Huh? How do you not find out your daughter's husband is dead? Why have you never met your grandkid. You sorta get a shocking answer in the last fifth of the movie... but then the movie is just over. It's weird. Did I say weird? Also, I could have done without the random clips of the Knicks, now that I'm a Nets fan and I hate the Knicks.

Vampire's Kiss
WHAT. THE. FUCK? No words. I have no idea what I watched. I think Nicolas Cage raped and murdered women. And he was crazy or he wasn't and he was a vampire or there was a bat. THE FUCK IF I KNOW. Run. Run away.

All Good Things
Sigh... the countdown to breaking up with Ryan Gosling begins. This movie, loosely based on the true story of a socialite who vanished and then her husband went unsuspected for twenty years until a nosy DA reopens the case, sounds way better than it is. This flick was downright boring. And when you've got three real life murders to work with... THAT IS UNACCEPTABLE!

Sunset Boulevard
I have been saying the line "I'm ready for my closeup" for almost thirty years... because I am and always have been a drama queen, however, not until watching this movie did I learn where it came from. This movie is sad. And weird. But mostly sad. Don't grow old, don't die young. Tough message that.

3 Women
Julius Goat gave this movie an A. Julius Goat gave Wreck It Ralph a B. Julius Goat hates the English alphabet.

The Invisible War
This is a documentary about rape, sexual abuse and assault in the American military. It also chronicles the culture of tolerance and inept policing that makes the incidence of these crimes alarmingly high for our servicepeople. I was appalled. I mean, the Tailhook scandal was seemingly about "sexual harassment" which is bad enough, but the systematic rug sweeping of brutal rapes by OFFICERS who are then promoted over and over again! UGH! *breaks computer screen*

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale
VinNay picked this movie about a small Finnish hunting town that faces a rash of bizarre crimes one December. He was very scared and cried and said "I want my mommy" a lot. I was totally cool though and completely enjoyed this funny, scary, clever Christmas-ish story.

Demi Moore is hot. Soundtrack was great. Um... I guess that's about it, since the plot was artarded and the acting was terrrible.


Astin said...

Rock of Ages was terrible. Seeking a Friend was decent. I haven't seen the rest.

Well, parts of Striptease.

VinNay said...

How come no one ever reviews the best movie ever made - Enemy Mine!!! It's just downright rude.

Dawn Summers said...

Pretty sure @juliusgoat said you can post your own reviews anytime you want!

Andrew said...

Yes indeed. Go for it.

That said, if it ever hits Netflix Instant, I'm bout it bout it.

PetiteDov said...

You liked Lola Versus? I just thought it was a bunch of over privileged white people living in NYC whining. Ugh. Also, the girl's name(who is a good actress) is Greta Gerwig, not Chloe Savighhhhdsnjrfny

Dawn Summers said...

DDUUUUDDDDEEEEE... she steals two forties and makes the devil hissing face! THAT WAS HILARIOUS!

Fischel said...

Rachel's response after reading your reviews: She doesn't know who keira knightley is? hahahaha. "The british girl" hahahaha

Astin said...

VinNay - I agree.

Heather said...

Fischel - I said the same thing! "how hard is it to IMDB it if you don't know it..."

Fischel said...

Heather-Nah, I understand being lazy if you don't know someone. But she def knows Keira!

Dawn Summers said...

You guys know how much Julius Goat pays us for this, right?

Gib said...

Oh, man, I forgot about Enemy Mine! That movie kicked ass! There should totally be a review block that is all 80's sci-fi with special effects that wouldn't pass muster on a Z-level cable show with an effects budget about 1/10 what the Twilight folks spent making it look like Kristen Stewart had more than one facial expression, which she doesn't.

Then we could have reviews of Enemy Mine, and the Last Starfighter, and Ice Pirates, all of which, now that I think about it, I haven't seen since I was, like 13, and almost certainly don't hold up.

Anyway, just got Rock of Ages from the Netflix people. Between RoA being good and the Patriots winning the Super Bowl, here's hoping Dawn was right about RoA being good.