Monday, July 2, 2012

Harrison Ford and animals: the July movie guide

YOU GUYS!!!! IT'S JULY!!!

MY Birthday month aka the bestest month in the year!

Though, this year my birthday season is already scheduled to last through mid August. So, in anticipation of turning however old I will turn on July 8th (my birthday) I watched a whole bunch of movies and now I'm going to tell you about them. YOU'RE. WELCOME!

Take Me Home Tonight
Stupid VinNay picked this stupid movie. I read the summary about this flick set in the 1980s, about a recent college school grad Topher Grace, who can't find a job, so he pretends he works at Goldman to impress his high school crush. I knew it would be dumb and suggested we watch the People vs. George Lucas instead. But nooooooo. So in the stupid movie, Topher has a twin sister and she's about to marry the high school jock king. Again, I don't know what's going on with Topher Grace, but I hope he gets whatever help he needs so that he stops making these horrible horrible movies. Meanwhile, halfway through, I noticed VinNay was all suspiciously quiet, so I thought he fell asleep, but nooooooooo, Senor Asshole switched to the George Lucas documentary!

The People vs. George Lucas
I distinctly remember being a freshman in college and I was telling my best friend about some horrible thing some senior did and he was all "you should Darth Vader her," and I was all "who's Darth Vader?" And I heard the phone drop and there was screaming and then I was forced to watch the original trilogy for like four hundred times in a row. And then, when Episode I came out five years later, he made us stand on line all gotdang day to see it at the Zeigfeld Theater on opening day. Our seats were soooo bad -- we were in the first row, with our necks craned the whole time. This was then his justification for forcing us to see the damn thing AGAIN even though I was pretty sure it was horrible. "No, we were just too close!" Then when we saw Episode II, even he had to admit it was shite. At that point, I was tempted to point out that, actually Episodes IV-VI weren't all that good either... but I held my tongue. I don't know what he thought of Episode III, but I was laughing as I watched this movie about super Star Wars fans complaining that George Lucas ruined their lives with the prequels. I was rolling my eyes at these sad sacks and the whole chronicling of George Lucas' betrayal... UNTIL they got to the discussion of Indiana Jones 4. And then...well, I understood their pain and outrage, because while I've always been a lukewarm Star Wars person (come on... MARK HAMILL IS THE WORSTEST!) Indiana Jones IS MY ALL TIME FAVORITE. I had a stuffed rabbit named Harrison. Luv him. And Indiana 4... well... it... I... fuck you George Lucas! FUCK YOU RIGHT IN THE FACE!

Blade Runner
Well, since I'm being all blasphemous, let me just get it all out now and alienate everyone all at once. This movie was TERRIBLE. Good lord! Harrison Ford's voiceovers were RIDICULOUS! And what was up with Darryl Hannah's damn hell ass face? And... and this guy is a head inventing genius guy, but he STAYS on a dying planet? AND lets some rando security guard guy in his house?! AND THE END?? SERIOUSLY?? SERIOUSLY? How CONVENIENT that Edward James Olmos decides not to kill her AND THEN the Cyborg decides not to kill him! AWESOME! Vomit. I hope that cyborg lady kills him in his sleep. Or are we supposed to believe he's a cyborg too? Double vomit.

New Year's Eve
Zac Efron is in this, so automatic two and a half stars. But then they put Lea Michele in this and let her sing, so that's minus a star, but there's like three black people in this and they don't get killed, so that's a half star, but they give Halle Berry a bullshit lovestory so that's minus a quarter of a star. Katherine Heigl was good, as was Bon Jovi and I didn't want to stab anything in Ashton Kutcher... so all in all, this movie is a win.

The Artist
OH MY WORD. I thought I was going to HATE this movie. I already had pre written the snark about "you know why movies have color and sound in them these days, you pretentious assholes?" BUT DUDE!! This movie was AWESOME. AND I totally get why it had to be in black and white and silent. OH MY GOD. I hate to say it was brilliant cause that's what everyone says and it won the stupid Academy Award and I HATE THE ACADEMY, but fuck all, they got it right this time. The movie wasn't just pretentiousness run amok, like I feared it would be (though it feels that way for the first thirty minutes, I almost turned it off...) So very good.

 
The Grey
I know this movie got panned. And no, it's  not great, but it is different. It's like the movie Alive in that there's a plane crash and a handful of survivors, but then it turns into Ten Little Indians! It's an interesting look into what drives us to want to live or want to die and whether sometimes wanting to die is the right thing. Stay till after the credits.

Red Tails
Um. This is the movie about the All Negro pilot squad that killed Hitler and saved the world. What? That didn't happen? Hmm. Well... rude. Heeey, George Lucas is responsible for this too. It didn't suck and I wasn't inclined to throw things.

Straw Dogs
This movie is BIZARRE. This Hollywood starlet decides to return to her backwater childhood home because her dad dies and left her a house and her fancy Hollywood screenwriter husband thinks it'll be a good place to finish his latest screenplay. But then all her high school friends are still in this town and they seem determined to show her that she's not better'n them! So, they do lots of fucked up stuff to her and her husband and it all ends bloody.

Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy
This movie is probably technically a fantastic film. It's very high brow and well acted and finely written and blah blah blah boring as all get out. I wanted to care. I really really did. Sherlock Holmes is in it! Though he's blond and that's weird. But I so didn't AND I figured out whodunit using, not the clues in the movie, but the rules of Hollywood (obviously, it has to be the biggest name in the movie) and so that cheapened the whole "high browness" of the film and all I remember is being bored.

Chronicle
This is one of those movies where you see the story unfold through the characters filming it within the movie. So, the loser kid has a camera and is recording when he goes to join his cousin and the cool kid as they explore a weird hole in the woods. The weird hole turns out to contain something that gives them powers. The rest of the film shows them as the explore these powers and you see how it changes them and their lives. I actually really liked it.

We Bought a Zoo
No, seriously. They bought a zoo. I noticed a trend this month, I watched A LOT of movies with animals in them. The best I can say about We Bought a Zoo is that at least the animals didn't talk.

Yogi Bear
See how the best thing I could say about We Bought a Zoo was that the animals didn't talk? Um... well, the animals here talk. A lot. *Head desk*

Zookeeper
See previous review. *Hammer to face*

Like Crazy
Okay, no talking animals. But Jaysus was this movie horrendous. It's about these two people who date in college and she overstays her Visa to be with him over the summer, so when she finally goes back to London and tries to return, America is all "no. Youse a Visa overstaying criminal" and sends her back home. Then the movie spends an hour and half chronicling their tragic "torn apart by bureacracy love story," er, except, she's cheating on him, he's cheating on her. They breakup four hundred billion times, but YAH, AMERICAN BUREACRACY is to blame. FOH.

Footloose
I liked this remake of the Kevin Bacon classic. Did you know that Kevin Bacon and I share a birthday? Not the year, he's way older than me, but July 8th! Which is my birthday. It has just been way too long since I mentioned my birthday. Which is on July 8th. Um... where was I? Oh, they totally sex the original up though. So it's way racier than the original. Unnecessarily so. But it's fun. And there's dancing.

Beginners
This movie was so so sad. SOOOO SAD. Like if you're even a little bit sad, DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE. Or if you do, put all the sharp objects away. ALL OF THEM. Sad. But good. It's about a dad who comes out to his son in his late 70s and then the dad dies and the son tries to reconcile his childhood and his parents' marriage, with his dad's end of life change and the son's own relationship issues. Sad.

Goon
This movie was GREAT! It's about a bouncer who is randomly discovered by a local hockey team and ends up joining the team, even though he can't really skate, just to beat people up. But he ends up taking to the sport and working really hard to become "a hockey player" and not just a "goon." I kinda feel like Sean William Scott was kinda trying to become "an actor" and not just a clown like he usually is in movies and he so succeeded! It's also a great hockey movie, in that it showed respect for the game and not just clips of guys fighting on the ice for no reason.

Stuart Little
This movie is Annie, but with a mouse. If I ever end up running an orphanage and I fail a health inspection because there are rats, Imma be all "those aren't rats! Those are our orphan rodents! Would you like to adopt one?" The movie is okay, I guess, but it's creepy as hell seeing Dr. House's hair like that... Also, you know how I feel about talking animals.

Benny & Joon
This movie about a weirdo falling for a schizophrenic girl was cute. But all these years I thought Johnny Depp played Benny or Joon. He's neither. He's like Sam or something. But I liked it. I especially liked the poker games for chores "I see your repainting your whole house and I raise you taking in my idiot cousin."

Big Momma: Father & Son
Er... so Martin is back to complete the Big Momma trilogy! But this time his stepson ALSO has to dress in drag! The stepson sees a murder and his father can't trust the FBI to protect him, so he takes him undercover himself... TO AN ALL GIRLS SCHOOL! The premise is terrible, of course, but I can't lie ... I kinda liked this movie. Don't judge me. *whistles*

The Cooler
I can't remember why Mary mentioned this movie... but it was on HBOGO (OMIGOSH. Do you guys know about HBOGO??? IT'S THE BEST THING EVER! Well, or the worst depending on how you feel about spending all day in bed watching TV). It's about that Macy guy and he's a loser gambler who decides to take his bad luck and help the casino cooler players on a heater. It's actually pretty good. Alec Baldwin is also in it as a badass old school gangster who breaks the arm of the young Harvard educated kid trying to modernize his casino. 

Dolphin Tale
NO, YOU CRIED DURING DOLPHIN TALE!! YOU DID! AND... SHUT UP. Actually, the maimed dolphin is totes the best part. The kids are terrible. I also love that this boy flunks out of fifth grade, skips summer school to swim with a dolphin and his summer school teacher gives him credit for "life lessons." BULLSHIT! The kid still does't know what a preposition is! Or how to add... okay, well, addition is hard... but sentence structure?! How do you learn that from swimming with dolphins?!

Rio
Awww, a parrot who doesn't know how to fly? Come on! You gotta love it. It's a cute movie. Hits all the necessary elements of a cartoon movie - a villian that sings, a male and female who hate each other and then fall in love, a wise cracking guide, an end of movie chase through Brazil's carnival...two thumbs up.


Mr. Popper's Penguins
At various times in this movie, Jim Carrey wears a Giants t-shirt and then a Pittsburgh hockey jersey. This movie can GO TO HELL! Plus, seriously, DO NOT send me a penguin as a gift for my birthday... which is on July 8th. Oh, so that's the premise. Carrey's dead dad mails him a bunch of penguins and he keeps them in his apartment as pets for his estranged children. O_o

Weekend at Bernie's
Don't know how I never saw this till now. But I wasn't missing anything. It's about two young professionals who stumble on their boss' wrongdoing and end up in the middle of a mob plot to kill their boss and they decide to pretend he's still alive... and then hijinx ensue when the mob hitman is all "didn't I kill THAT dude?"!