Monday, December 3, 2012

MOVIE REVIEWS: DECEMBER 2012 END OF THE WORLD EDITION

Yo, if the Mayans are to be believed, and you don't know any math, then this is it! My last reviews EVER. I wish I could say we've had a good run, that it was all worth it... I really really wish I could. But onwards! December! I saw lots and lots of stuff:


Flight

This movie was great. It’s got some great action, particularly in the beginning, but it also is just an ordinary run-of-the-mill movie with a plot, good actors, neat tensions and a proper ending. It’s about a pilot who expertly crash lands a commuter plane, but is then found to have alcohol and cocaine in his system. The movie does get a little preachy, but Denzel’s facial expressions will probably reflect your thoughts about the preachiness, if that kind of stuff gets to you; he’s funny. I liked it a lot. I probably should not have watched it a week before taking a commuter flight to Miami though…

Wreck it Ralph - 3D

THIS MOVIE WAS SOOOO GREAT AND FUN! It’s about a videogame bad guy who is tired of being treated poorly, so he leaves his game to make a name for himself for doing something positive. IT’S SO CUTE! But sometimes scary and funny. The supporting cast is terrific… I give it two extra lives up!

Twilight the End of the Saga

Um… Listen… if you’ve already seen the first three, you gotta finish it, amirite? Of course I am. Under no circumstances should you see this movie if you haven’t seen the first three. Corollary to that: under no circumstances should you see the first three if you haven’t already.

Skyfall

No spoilers, but this movie IS AWESOME! Best Bond movie EVER! Okay, one spoiler: the bad guy throws A TRAIN AT JAMES BOND! DUDE! He’s all “Well, well Mister Bond” and then BOOM throws a train at him! So, you know, if seeing trains thrown at a spy is not your thing, then go ahead and don’t watch Skyfall, communist. *whistles*

The Dictator

THIS MOVIE WAS BRILLIANT. It was pitch perfect satire, but very funny too. It was the perfect length – all the actors brought their A games. Actually, I thought I would hate this movie because the preview was funny and usually that means they use up all the good stuff. But, nope. It was great. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH Go see it!

Chico & Rita

You know how sometimes I get punished for being a racist who tries to see movies starring/about minority characters? Yeah, that. This movie was teerrrriiibbblleee. It’s a ”grown up cartoon” about a Cuban “couple,” (they meet, have a one night stand and then “break up” because he has a girlfriend.) This “love” story continues for 65 years across two countries. She becomes a Hollywood star but then loses it all because she speaks out about racism in American hotels. He, I’m not sure what he does, he kinda stalks her around for a while… I think. BLLECCCH.

Safety Not Guaranteed

This movie, on the other hand, was great! Not much happens in this tale about a shady reporter deciding to go on a magazine funded booty call to see his summer camp crush 25 years later. He takes two interns with him under the guise of responding to a “time traveler’s ad for a companion to go back to 2001.” One of the interns, the sarcastic girl from Parks n Rec, plays the role of applicant and, okay, sorta predictably, falls for the time traveler. There is a vibe in the movie that’s sad and promising and you’re not sure what to believe or who the good guys are, but it works. It’s good.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

Hmmm… well, let’s see. First off, can I say, I LOVED the book. And I’m not just saying that to impress you with the fact that I read books, though that is a part of it, the book was great and made me wonder if the story was actually true. Oh noes, I’ve gone and squandered all that respect you JUST had for me because of my book reading and all. Sigh. Anyway, the movie --- YARF --- I did not think that ish was real, not even for a second. That movie was so bad, NOW, I’m wondering if there even WAS an Abraham Lincoln AT ALL. Or an America for that matter. IT’S ALL SUSPECT!

Margaret

This movie shines brilliantly at times. The first hour, in particular is gruesome and terrifying and sad and uncertain and beautiful… the next TWO hours, on the other hand… yeah, THAT’S RIGHT! Oy. My complaint isn’t even about the length, had they given me two more hours like the first hour, we would have been straight. BUT NOOO. The last thirds were full of ridiculous dialogue bits like a stereotypical older Jewish woman saying stuff like “file an injunction? What are you saying injunction? Like a train junction? I’m a stereotypical older Jewish woman talk to me like I will understand, bubbula! Oy, my nerves.” O_o I may be paraphrasing, but that’s the gist. It’s like they started out making a new movie with new characters, panicked and tried to remold these people into familiar caricatures. Boo.

Showgirls

Okay, true story, this movie came out when I was in college and all my roommates wanted to go see it because they thought it would be funny, but I thought it was going to be pornography, so I refused to go. I also refused to go to the strip club for my first roommate who turned 21’s birthday. Anyway, I saw a reference to Showgirls someplace recently and I was all “maan, I’m 29 and STILL haven’t seen Showgirls? What’s up with that?!” Now, admittedly, I’ve never seen a proper pornography, but I think teenage Dawn was exactly right. Am I wrong? Are pornos different from Showgirls? Anyway, porno –ness aside. Good glory is this movie awful. I mean AWFUL. THE FUCK JESSE SPANO?? THE. FUCK?

Contraband

Speaking of awful movies. Double blarrgghh yarf. Marky Mark is supposedly a reformed smuggler who gets sucked back in because his brother-in-law signed a deal with some guys to smuggle coke, but then the cops busted the boat so he had to dump the merch – now, the dealers WANT THEIR MONEY. But, of course, Marky Mark's wife is all “you promised me, Marky Mark!” And he’s all “But HONEY, IT’S FOR *YOUR* BROTHER!” Eyeroll.

Return

I don’t know who or why or when I decided to rent this movie about a National Guard volunteer returning from her tour of duty in Iraq. It wasn’t bad, but I think they were patting themselves too much on the back about the fact that their soldier was a woman. After the first 30 minutes, you’re like “yeah, we get it she’s a *MOM* AND A SOLDIER! OOhhhh. What else ya got?” Answer: did we mention she’s a mom? A MOOOMMMMM!!!

Gone

Hmm. Another bad movie. Well, it wasn’t the worst movie I’ve ever seen, heck, it wasn’t even the worst movie I saw that day, but it was bad. The plot is that this lady reports her sister has been kidnapped by the same man who kidnapped her seven years prior. The thing is, the cops never believed she was kidnapped, so they don’t believe the story about the sister now. SO SHE TAKES THE LAW INTO HER OWN HANDS! Dun dun dun! Oh, did I mention the woman was wealthy, pretty, blond and has blue eyes? Mmmhmmm. My ass. Maybe if this movie starred that woman who won the Oscar for her supporting role in the Help, I *might* believe this crap.

The Raven

Know what the worst movie I saw that day *was?* Hello… The Raven! It’s supposed to be a thriller based on the premise that a madman is recreating Edgar Allan Poe’s gruesome tales in real life with real victims. But then they decide to include some dumb romance/damsel in distress angle and John Cusack is plain AWFUL. His comedic lines miss, his dramatic declarations of love are laughable. The supporting cast is terrible… ugh. Not a good moment in the entire two hour mess.

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