Monday, November 5, 2012

Reviewed me like a Hurricane...

Oh Dawn, WHAT HAPPENED??!

It’s been DAYS since November started!

DAYS!

I know, I know, my poor long suffering adoring audience, I have not forgotten you! So here, without further ado (or to-do, but definitely not “adieu” as Ms. Cattell-Gordon explained to me in the eighth grade) are your November movie reviews! *inserts applause*

The Sitter
This stars that used to be fat comedian kid who was in Moneyball. I actually liked this movie. It’s short, the kids are cute, aside from some poopy fart jokes, the humor isn’t too crude. It’s about a layabout who gets roped into babysitting so his poor middle-aged mother can finally go on a date. The children are monsters – OR are they just misunderstood. Eh… eh… ARE THEY? Yeah…so…moving on.

People Like Us

This movie is TERRIIBLE. Alceste was all “no thank you,” when I offered to let him watch it with me. It’s about some adrift scam artist dude whose music producer dad dies and leaves him a bag of money and a note telling him to give all the money to the dead dad’s bastard daughter and her bastard son. Oh, whoops…people don’t use the word bastard anymore… illegitimate… why does that sound WORSE? Non child of marriage? WHATEVS. But he’s an adrift scam artist and he’s all – this bag of money could help ME! But then he stalks his half sister and sees that her life is a wreck, so he gives her the money, but she IS a wreck so she falls in love with him and then he’s all “I’m your brother.” Okay, I am making this movie sound good. It’s not. I swear it’s not. Don’t do it.

Wanderlust


Ugh, yet another shit sandwich brought to you from Jennifer Aniston – and Paul Rudd, this is your fourth stinker IN A ROW, buddy – you’re in Ryan Reynolds territory now. It’s about a New York couple who lose it all and go live on a commune. She cheats on him, he leaves her. Then goes back and multiple cars end up in a lake.

Ed Wood

BLARRGGHH. Why do people keep saying this movie is good? IT’S NOOOOTTTTT!!!!! I guess Martin Landau is good, he does disappear into Lagosi, OH, and Sarah Jessica Parker did not make me want to vomit! Hmm… and Johnny Depp is good at playing the most annoying man on the planet, but there it is… this is a movie about the most annoying man on the planet! I WANTED HIM TO DIE….nay… I WANTED TO KILL HIM. Grrr. I’m blaming Goat for this.


War Horse

This movie is meh. The graphics were cool, but ultimately it’s a movie about a horse. And not even really a war horse. It’s a dumb horse. And dumb owners and the war is just deep deep background. Meh. You will not care about any of the characters and the movie is LLOOONNGG. No bueno.

Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

Oh. My. GAWD. I came into this movie with the utmost skepticism and haughty cynicism. The commercials which show Tom Hanks doing word judo were sooo cheesy, I was prepared to roll my eyes and crackwise for hours. But, no. It was SO well done. WAY better than the book – which was dumb and caused much eye rolling. SO GOOD. By the end, you’ll cry and cry and cry.

What to Expect When You’re Expecting

Um… this movie is supposedly based on that book about pregnancy that everyone gets. I do not know whose idea it was to make a movie out of that…but they should be slapped. Hard. Until they cry. The movie is okay. It’s done in vignette style and follows like seven couples through their various procreation processes. EH.

Swimming with Sharks

I don’t know how I ended up picking this movie… so I’m going to go ahead and blame VinNay. But this 80s based tale about an up and coming Hollywood producer is bad, then worse, then bad again and then tops off the crap sundae with a out of left field ending that will make you want to break things. Please note, if anyone tells you that they saw the end coming, please report that person to Homeland Security IMMEDIATELY. It was nice knowing you @VinNaY.


Tyrannosaur

This movie is about an old Irish alcoholic (Department of redundancy alert... oh SNAP! RACES!) All his friends are dead and then he kills his dog cause it’s making too much noise. He then befriends a shopkeeper lady, who is being beaten by her husband. They sorta become friends. Then some bad stuff happens and everybody goes to prison.

Fast Girls


Cute movie about a fictionalized UK women’s track team, it stars Mickey from the early Dr. Who serieses. You can see the end coming a mile and a half away (what is that in meters?) but the actors are credible and the story is solid enough. I liked it.

Rampart


Blech. Woody Harrelson stars in this grainy movie that tries to make you feel bad for the poor cop who can’t just shoot black suspects and plant guns on them anymore because of a changing society in LA. Oh, boo hoo, Internal Affairs is cracking down on him and want to put him in jail when he’s just doing what everyone else IS AFRAID TO DO! Yawn. And there’s this weird subplot where he has two daughters by each of two sisters and they all live in a house together and the older daughter is a liberal who calls her dad a racist and stuff. Meh.

W.E.

This movie is Julie & Julia without Meryl Streep. To wit: it sucks. Basically, it tells the parallel stories of the abdicated Nazi sympathizing King of England and his wife and a modern day art collector who is named after the wife. Vomitous.
The Decoy Bride

Speaking of the early Dr. Who serieses, this romantic comedy stars David Tennant. I love David Tennant and will not say a word agin him. So…umm…how are you guys? How’s the family? You survive Sandy, ok? Great. Next movie.

Albert Nobbs

The problem with this movie where Glen Close plays a woman living as a man in old timey days in England, is that they are so proud of how they got Glen Close to look so much like a man, they forgot to also have a plot or any reason for you to watch after the first ten minutes of “hey, Glen Close totally looks like a man!”

6 comments:

Andrew said...

Why are you blaming me for Ed Wood? I don't like Ed Wood very much.

Dawn Summers said...

LOL! Whenever I see a movie I hate, I just assume you recommended it. Is that wrong?

Michael M. said...

As a member of your audience (albeit only because of the gun to my head), I think you accurately described us as "long suffering". The rest, not so much.

Dawn Summers said...

#rrruuuuddddeeee *throws turkey bacon*

PetiteDov said...

I want to recommend Crossing Delancey, it's a romantic comedy, have low expectations & you will like it.

Also, I can't believe you saw that Tom Hanks movie. Bleh, the book was the worst.

Dawn Summers said...

I agree the book sucked, but the movie was terrific. Way way waaaay better. Will check out crossing delancey.