Thursday, August 2, 2012

The dog days of August

All About Eva

A friend of mine from law school is in this all black cast rom-com, so I've avoided watching it for ten years or so...but hey, it's actually pretty good! I mean, there's a weird not particularly believable thing that happens near the end, but for the most part I liked it. The lead character is strong and smart AND A BLACK WOMAN! GET OUT! *shoves the reader* Her sisters and brothers-in-law are more stereotypical, but overall it works.

The Amazing Spiderman

I'm getting old. There are many tiny reminders of this fact that strike me everyday, but during this movie it really struck home. First off, Sally Fields and Martin Sheen are the *grandparents*? Sheesh. Then, every time Peter Parker did anything I was like "Oh no! He's going to get hurt! He should be in school!" 17-year-old super heroes don't hold the attraction for me that they did when it was Tobey Maguire and I was a mere twenty something lass. So, no, I didn't particularly care for this movie at all -- it also didn't help that the subways looked like something out of the 1970s and even though the Parkers live in Queens, Peter is, for some reason, taking the *Q* train to *Coney Island*? Pfft AS IF! Read a map, British boy!

Savages
This movie wasn't terrible. It was very long though and you know what I really want at the end of a long movie filled with border crossings and a dozen characters and four separate storylines? TWO ENDINGS! Oh yeah, toss in a dream ending AND a real ending so I can sit there even looonnngggeeeerrrr listening to Serena van der Woodson voiceovers. Oh yeah, it's a voiceover movie. I hate that. Lazy asses.

The Dark Knight Rises
I loved this movie! Not as good as the first one, but better than the second one -- and yeah, I know, since that dude died this is heresy to say, but that movie wasn't so great. Anyhoo, this one is great! I LOVED catwoman -- Anne Hathaway girl crush in full effect -- and she and the supporting cast work so well with Christian Bale. I saw the end coming right in the middle, but they kinda tricked me for a second and made me second guess myself, so there was still some surprise involved. The last scene was total Good Will Hunting bollocks, but I TOTALLY WANT BATMAN FOUR! P.S. No shade, but dear Brits, GET YER OWN DAMN SUPERHEROES!

Brave
Alceste, Mary and Dawn 2 treated me to this flick on my birthday -- only appropriate as they are the redheads in my life. It was cute, but not at all what I was expecting from a movie titled "Brave" with a poster with a lone girl holding a bow and arrow. It's not really that kind of action movie, it's more of a lame coming of age movie, with some magic mixed in. I might have liked it better if I had known that going in.

Ice Age 3 FOUR I MEAN ICE AGE FOUR!

(See what happened was, I hated Ice Age 2 and have blocked it out of my head!) I love the Ice Age series. This installment is not as good as the first two, but it has its moments. Basically, the original four are separated from the rest of the animals and have to find their way back. They meet pirates along the way. And J LO. P.S. For Simpsons' fans, there's a cute short starring Maggie and no talking that opens the movie. It's cute!


2001: A space Odyssey
I hate you people. The first segment was interesting *I suppose* and the third section was good. BUT THE EFF WAS UP WITH THE SECOND AND FOURTH PARTS?? AND WHAT DID ANY OF THEM HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING! AND WHHAATTT'''SSS IN THE BOX?? I hate you people.

Father of Invention
Ugh and I hate Kevin Spacey. The aughts Kevin Spacey owes a big fat apology to 90s Kevin Spacey. This is a terrible movie about an infomercial huckster, who ends up in prison for one of his inventions, but then he gets out and makes a go of it again, but this time he remembers family is most important! Vomit.

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance
Ugh and I hate Nicolas Cage, who ALSO owes a big fat apology to 1990s Nicolas Cage. I don't really remember the first Ghost Rider, but in this one he tries to get rid of the Ghost Rider, but then realizes he needs the Ghost Rider to defeat evil, so he gets him back. Meh. Dear Brits, you can have Ghost Rider.

Because of Winn-Dixie
Cute movie about a little girl struggling to live with her nomadic single father after her alcoholic mom leaves them. She finds a dog in a supermarket, names him after the supermarket and they roam the town touching lives and bringing a community of lonely, broken people back together. Awwwwww.

Jack and Jill
So, you know how I have to watch every Adam Sandler movie, right? Well, he's in this, so I watched it. The end. Actually, it's better than the Jennifer Aniston one, Just Go with it... and Al Pacino is in this for some reason and well, like most great wrecks, you want to look away from the carnage, but you just can't. His performance is a spectacular display of twisted, smoking metal and burning disfigured bodies.

Fletch
I wanted to know why you charged things to the Underhills. So I rented this. Now I know. You wanna know? It's cause Fletch is a poor investigative reporter and when he goes undercover to a country club he watches a douchey man stiff a waiter out of a tip, that man is Mr. Underhill. So for the rest of the movie, whenever he is at the club, he charges his meals to the Underhills.

Strangers on a train
I love Hitchcock. When I was a poor law student, I used to borrow my movies from the public library and all they had were old movies, so I saw a ton of Hitchcock. I've passed him over in recent years in favor of flashier modern movies, cause I was a paying customer now, but truth be told, Hitchcock is pure money. This movie isn't even what I expected. I thought Strangers on a train was about lovers who conspire to kill their spouses - but no, it's actually about...strangers...um... on a train. SHUT IT. YOU'RE STUPID!

The woman in black
Listen, I know it's not fair, but as long as Daniel Radcliff continues to look like Harry Potter, I will continue to be disappointed if there is no wand fight at the end of the movie. So, either he needs to shave his head and gain a hundred pounds or this movie about a widower settling the estate of a client needs to end with his fighting the evil ghost who kills children with his damn hell ass wand! Hmph.

The adventures of Tin Tin
When I saw commercials for this I thought it was going to be an animated remake of that movie about the dog. I thought that would fail. THEN I found out it's an adaptation of some European boy crime fighting detective and I KNEW that would fail. Americans don't like things that sound like other things but aren't that thing. They also hate kid detectives. I didn't hate this movie, but I wouldn't see it again or tell anyone else to see it.
Five Fingers
Um. No idea why I decided to watch this one night. I mean, everything about it suggested horrible movie -- Ryan... um...Witherspoon? has a blond dreadlocks. Laurence Fischburne has a WRETCHED accent, good grief. Anyway, this is a weird review because at the end of the movie, I was glad I had watched it, but while watching it, I wanted to die. So... you know, make of that what you will.
Sunshine
This is a sci fi movie which has a predominantly Asian cast. I was VERY excited about this. They are astronauts sent to space to blow up a nuclear device in the sun to save earth from solar winter or some such. They are the second set of astronauts sent to perform this task as the first set had failed seven years earlier. Of course, as they speed to their destination, they happen upon the deserted ship from that failed mission dun dun dun. I am not happy about the order in which they die...dun dun dun.

Butterfly Effect
Whoa. I liked this movie. Why does Ashton Kutcher get such a bad rap? Okay, but here's the thing and actually, this angered me about Blade Runner too. I saw the Director's Cut of Butterfly Effect, which I've gleaned from subsequent searches of the interwebs was very different from the theater version; with Blade Runner, it was the opposite, I saw the theater version. For someone who mostly watches movies on the small screen, these changes are annoying or should be advertised better. Anyway, I liked the movie, I think I would have liked to see the movie version ending better. But twas a cool premise.

A Thousand Words
Eddie Murphy stars with one of the astronauts from Sunshine as a book agent who tries to get a guru to sell his book rights to his agency. The guru doesn't like him and curses him with a tree. As Eddie Murphy yammers on, the tree loses a leaf for each word, so then Eddie Murphy's all "GASP" and the guru is all "You know what happens when a tree loses all its leaves" and I'm all "yeah, you wait six months and they all grow back, WHUT?!" But evidently, in the movie, it means Eddie Murphy dies. I dunno. It wasn't the worst thing I've ever seen.

Joyful Noise
Queen Latifah and Dolly Parton star in this movie about dueling choir directors who are trying to win the church's first vocal championship, but they have divergent ideas about how to go about it. Queen Latifah wants to stick with old tried and true religious standards, while Dolly Parton wants to sex it up by using popular songs and swapping in a few Jesuses in place of "baby." It's a little long and boring. But Tyler Perry was NOT involved!

This means War
Reese Witherspoon stars as a recently dumped woman whose friend pushes her to "get back out there" and she ends up dating two men at once and unbeknownst to her, they are partners in a spy agency. She has a sex off to decide the winner of her affections. Or something and then she's kidnapped by some international bad guy out for revenge... honestly, this movie is a wreck. Reese needs a career reboot where she plays a coked up hooker in some gritty indie or something.

Exporting Raymond
I'm as arrogant an American as you're ever wont to meet. I've eaten in Burger King on five continents and I don't care... WHASSUP! However... even I was APPALLED by the behavior of the dude in this movie. So the premise is the guy who created the American sitcom "Everybody Loves Raymond" is asked to help oversee a Russian version of the show. So he's this multi millionaire Jewish fifty something American guy and he goes over there and just COMPLAINS about EVERYTHING! Waaa they don't understand his humor and the women wear too much jewelry and on and on and I'm just like DUDE. SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP! So, already I'm annoyed that he's got me defending Russians cause COME ON, they're Russian and I'm a child of the 80s. THEN, WORSE, his Russian tour guide tells him he'll be out for a few weeks having surgery, but the dude really goes on vacation, but the Raymond producer keeps on asking and asking about what kind of surgery the guy is having and whether the guy is in the KGB and where is he having surgery... awful. JUST AWFUL. Like, if the guy was faking to go on vacation, now he's totally going to get fired and if he was pretending to go on vacation so he could have some surgery in secret, now this annoying schmucky American millionaire who will soon be going back to his Mcmansion life, has totally fucked up his shit! Ugh. I was just embarrassed!   

Moonrise Kingdom
This is the latest quirky, colorful offering from Wes Anderson. It's about an orphan boy and a troubled girl who run away to live their lives together forever. They're twelve, so of course, they are chased and found. And some stuff happens. It's cute. 

8 comments:

Jordan said...

Thanks for spoiling the Savages, jerk!

Dawn Summers said...

I didn't say WHICH was the dream!

Gib said...

I remember watching 2001 for an art appreciation class in college (can you believe I actually got credit towards a college degree for art appreciation? Probably why I couldn't get into a better law school.) Anyway, I hated it. So well done.

Grange95 said...

You missed the entire point of Fletch, which is that it is the third most quotable movie after The Holy Grail and The Princess Bride.

Of course, you wouldn't understand. It's all about ball bearings these days.

Dawn Summers said...

Is that a euphemism for penises?

Grange95 said...

Shut up and bring me a glass of hot fat.

Yaron Koren said...

Actually, Martin Sheen and Sally Fields play the aunt and uncle, not grandparents (it's even in their names!). Hopefully that makes you feel less old!

I agree about "Brave" - weird title and marketing. I was expecting her to singlehandly fight the British army or something. They should have called it "Highlands Magic" or something twee like that. "Magic of the Highlands Princess".

Dawn Summers said...

hahahah, oh man... you're right yaron! Now, I feel even OLDER -- dementia setting in and all.