Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Clare de June

Ha! I had a weird science teacher in eighth grade who used to insist on calling me Clare de loon. No idea why or why I just thought of that... but there it is.

Other random fact about that dude, no two random facts, he used to always point to that Dove soap commercial that said "99 percent pure" and ask "pure what?" That totally blew 12-year-old my mind. Then, in teaching us about how airplanes stay in flight, he used to say: imagine monsters jumping out the back and as they pushed themselves off, they were, at the same time, pushing the plane forward. I'm not kidding. He would draw chalk planes and chalk monsters with arrows indicating that they were jumping out the back. The monsters had big hairy feet. That totally made me scared of airplanes and, frankly, monsters. Anyway, so movies. All I do these days is watch movies and read A Song of Fire and Ice books. So, in the spirit of both those things, here is the longest movie review in history. Ready? Okay.

As you know, in preparation for the premiere of Prometheus, I decided to watch all the Alien movies and, by extension, all the Predator movies:

Alien v. Predator WAS THE MOST AWESOME MOVIE EVER MADE! Wait, wait, I know what you're thinking "but what about The Godfather or Gone with the Wind?" Those movies are PUKE compared to Alien v. Predator. First, there are ALIENS. Second, there are Predators. AND JUST WHEN YOU'RE ABOUT TO BURST FROM THE AWESOMENESS OF THAT: THEY FIGHT EACH OTHER!!!! Sorry, I fainted for a second there. Also, Alien v. Predator has the way most kickass ending EVER. Plus, a black woman is the hero, so... #races

Aliens v. Predator 2 on the other hand...groan, I don't even remember the plot or the setting, I tried to look it up, but my computer crashed and I'm taking that as a sign. If your movie is not memorable, when you have such awesome elements to work with, you fail.

Similarly, Predators, the sequel to Predator 2, was BORRIBLE. No typo. Horrible with a b. BBBOOORRRIIIBBBLLLEE. I don't know why Adrien Brody was in this damn movie, doesn't he have an Oscar? Nor do I know why Topher Grace was in this movie, doesn't he have a shitton of syndication money?? Arrrgghhh SOOOO BAD. It takes place on some planet where the humans have been zapped to in order to prove their predatoriness against the best predators in the universe. Snooze.

So, now we come to the movie I did this all for: Prometheus. First off, I did something I try not to do, I read a review of this movie before I sat down to write this and it was so spot on, I just want to steal everything that guy said. Instead, I'll link to it. I didn't think the movie was bad when I saw it, it wasn't great (WAY BETTER THAN ALIENS) but after reading that review, I can't say anything good about the movie now. There is no need to spend money in a movie theater on this. I saw it in IMAX 3D, though, so I guess that was cool. But the story is MEH. The characters are retarded and well, just click that link. Meh.

While I was at the movie theater...

Men In Black 3: 3D

I actually liked this installment WAY better than the second one. It was creepy the way they kept saying it's been 14 years since Kay recruited Jay. Has it really been that long? JAYSUS. Anyway, it was a fun movie, which goes back in time for Jay to save Kay from being killed. There's a cool alien dude with super sight and there's a neat twist at the end. No need to see it in 3D, though. They don't do too much with it.


So many people liked this movie, I was sure I would hate it. But I didn't. It was cool...though the lead up to the big battle was a bit tedious. The problem with superhero movies is that you tap your foot all through the parts where the villain is winning because you know that's not how it will end. To Joss' credit though, I didn't exactly KNOW whether all the heroes would survive, so there was some element of suspense.


DUDE! THIS MOVIE ROCKED! Listen, for those of you who have been reading my movie reviews for a while, you know I'm not at all a movie snob. I will see any and everything. HOWEVER, a movie based on a board game that no one plays anymore?? I was skeptical. Well, less than halfway through, I was on the edge of my seat super worried about what would happen! And yes, someone yells "THEY'RE NOT GOING TO SINK THIS BATTLESHIP. NO WAY" AND YOU LOVE IT!!! WHEEEE Granted they kill someone I didn't want them to kill and they let someone else live that you want killed immediately... but it also reunited two of my favorite Friday Night Lights kids! GO SEE THIS FLICK IMMEDIATELY!!

Snow White and The Huntsman

Where the Julia Roberts movie was way too jokey, this movie took itself WAAY too seriously. I found myself repeatedly rolling my eyes and saying it's a children storybook, NOT Shakespeare, Charlize, chillax. It was okay, but given how much Song of Fire and Ice I'm reading, I found the castle storming and monarchy changes way too simplistic. I needed more game of thrones in it. Why would the queen keep the murdered king's daughter locked up in a tower? And how does a girl who grew up locked in a tower have the muscle strength to lead an army a week later... I know, I know... stop overthinking, it's a children's storybook.

Dark Shadows

YAWN. I literally fell asleep during this movie. AND I LOVE VAMPIRE MOVIES! AND JOHNNY DEPP. Yet this movie about an escaped mental patient who becomes a nanny for a creepy family of supernatural origins? Bbooorrrriiinnngggg. Nothing anyone did made any sense and Depp's straight man vampire out of water performance was too understated to save it. Blech.

Five Year Engagement This movie was funny and sweet, with an awesome soundtrack. It's about a couple who puts their wedding plans on hold for career reasons and how one gets jealous about the other's career taking off whilst theirs sputters out... it's cute. No need to see it in the theater though...

Think Like a Man I actually liked this movie. Steve Harvey's dumb self help book actually makes a funny romantic comedy fiction script... which I think says all you need to say about Steve Harvey giving relationship advice. Just saying...

I also went to the Long Beach Island Festival this year, filling in for the Orange You Glad intern and saw a few movies. I don't know what the deal is with festival movies, whether they are about to come out or will never come out or have come out already, but I'll review the three I saw.

Now, Forager

Um. This was a love story about freegans. Yep, it was just about as terrible as it sounds like it would be.

Little Birds

Um... it's about two girl best friends at a crossroads in their relationship. There were some interesting lines, like how when you're cut, there's a brief moment when you have no idea how deep it is and how sometimes you want that moment to last as long as possible. Though, typing that now, outside the darkness of a movie theater, I realize how ridiculous it sounds. When you're cut, you need to stop the bleeding pretty fucking immediately. Er... so, since that was the best thing I had to say about that movie... I guess I'm moving on now. *whistles*

Sleepwalk with Me

It's a movie about a famous (ish) comedian who discovers later in life he has a pretty severe sleep disorder. This movie was TERRIFIC! It's funny and well written and the characters are believably flawed (unlike in Little Birds where it was just too much and too melodramatic ALL THE time.) So, if this movie comes out, you should go see it.

Okay, but, of course the majority of movies, I watch alone at home on my couch and wonder where my whole life went wrong.

Highlander So, I was in a bar one night for a friend's birthday party and I was raving about Alien v. Predator, when this guy was all "if you liked that you will LOVE Highlander 2 and Robocop 3." In retrospect, I realize he was being sarcastic. Sigh. X_X This movie was terrible. Why doesn't that guy just cut the Scottish guy's head off while he is recovering? Why does Sean Connery help train him when only one of them can survive? Head desk

Highlander 2: Renegade Version This movie makes Highlander look like Alien v. Predator. ZZZOORRRRIIIBBBLE.


I was mad that they were remaking this movie, since I had fond memories of it from when I was a kid. However, rewatching it as an adult, this movie sucks. It's a good premise and should be remade with a cast that can (hopefully) act. The principals in this were just caricatures of 80s action movies (or 90s? not sure.) Though I do like the end when the bad guy gets fired and Robocop kicks him through the window.

Robocop 2

I love how these sequels are inevitably WORSE. Blech. Even the gang violence looked super fake.

Robocop 3

Well, I will say this for the guy in the bar, Robocop 3 WAS the best of the bunch. Though, it was still pretty bad... though it had the guy from Cabin in the Woods in it and the black haired ADA from Law & Order who slept with McCoy!

Fireflies in the Garden

Yeah, I officially break up with Ryan Reynolds. This movie about a writer who goes home for his mom's graduation, but stays for her funeral instead is DUMB DUMB DUMB. I mean, how cliched can you get that he discovers his mom had an affair and his stupid nephew runs away because he blames himself for his aunt's death. Vomitous. It's just me and Ryan Gosling now.

We Need to Talk About Kevin I think F-train said it best: "This movie is, at once, trying too hard and not trying hard enough." It's all freaky camera angles and blood red backdrops with distorted sound, but um, we don't find out who Kevin is until like halfway through. DUDE. Sometimes you just need to tell your story and hope that is powerful enough. And given that it tells the story about a professional woman who reluctantly becomes a suburban housewife and her creepy son, it might have been a powerful enough story without all the camera hysterics.

Haywire Barf. This is supposed to be like a movie version of Burn Notice, but with a woman spy. I think they were setting it up to be a franchise. But it sucked so bad that I wanted it to be over ten minutes in AND IT WAS ONLY like an 85 minute movie to begin with... which should tell you something. DUMB. BLECH. YYYOORRRIIIBBLLLEEE.

In Time I keep going back and forth on this. Look, if Olivia Wilde is Justin Timberlake's mom, already something is off. But that's the premise of this flick where no one ages past 25, but they control population growth by making time a currency that only the rich can afford. So, you have poor people timing out! Okay, I'm back to thinking this movie is ridiculous beyond saving. Sometimes I think it's campy ridiculous. But rest assured, it's ridiculous.

Shame This movie is weird and arty. It's about a man with a sex addiction who, in one week, is caught by his employers with a desktop filled with Pr0n and has his sister come stay with him at his house, so he can't get his freak on and flips out. I dunno. I thought it was super boring, which for a movie exploring base impulses is pretty damning.

Jacob's Ladder Sue Sylvester mentions this movie on the season finale of Glee. So I rented it. That was a mistake. I know enough about Sue Sylvester to be taking movie recommendations from her. This movie is some freaky science experiment with Vietnam vets gone wrong. I think. It might be about demons. I DON'T KNOW. LEAVE ME ALONE.

My Week with Marilyn This movie was cute. It's about an intern on a movie falling in love with Marilyn Monroe. I ended up also watching the entire season of Smash shortly after this movie. I have come to the realization that I HATE MARILYN MONROE.

The Terminator OHMIGOSH So... turns out, my whole life of thinking I saw the Terminator, I had really seen Terminator 2! I suspect it's cause my ghetto movie store put the wrong VHS tape in the box. Uh oh. I've totally dated myself, huh... Anyway, this movie was not good. I mean, I guess it was okay, but Terminator 2 was way awesomer.

One for the money Katherine Heigl needs to call Grey's Anatomy and apologize profusely for all that she said about them and get herself a job where she doesn't completely suck donkey balls. Because One for the Money completely sucked donkey balls and no one should go around life sucking donkey balls.

Love Jones I know this movie is the holy grail of black romance movies. BUT IT IS TERRIBLE. The lead guy basically stalks the lead girl. Then he cheats on her, then she rightly dumps him, but then he all psychologically manipulates her into taking him back. UGH. It's awful. I sincerely hope nobody thinks this drivel is the gold standard for black relationships... sadly, I...ugh...sigh.