Wednesday, May 2, 2012

MAY DAY, MAY DAY DAWN WATCHES TOO MANY DAMN MOVIES

You know, the last post on filmchaw, written by Dan England, made me so sad. I try and try, but NO ONE EVER LISTENS TO ME! Am I even making a difference, people? I AM TRYING TO SAVE LIVES HERE!! *Throws self off couch* Well, let me get on with this month's exercise in futility.


Tiny Furniture

This movie is about an annoying girl who moves back home with her mom and sister after graduating from college. She is your prototypical insecure-about-her-body-and-future-twenty-something. Then, just because THAT’S all been done before, she lets a homeless guy move into her mom’s loft while her mom and sister are away on college interviews. THEN she has sex with some guy in a drainpipe. Um. It wasn’t bad. The movie, not the drainpipe sex, that looked fairly uncomfortable.


Hunger Games

I really liked this movie. I’m a fan of the trilogy and I think the movie was faithful to the book in the important ways, but managed to tell a coherent story on its own, which is the best you can hope for with adaptations.

Cabin in the Woods

No Spoilers. It’s a Joss Whedon flick. OF COURSE IT’S AWESOME! VinNay got me the insider’s guide to the movie, so now I have to go back. Although, seriously, watching it the first time, without knowing anything was an awesome experience. Go do it!

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (Rooney Mara one)

I actually loved this movie. It’s a billion million trillion times better than the Noomi Rapace (or whatever her name is) version AND it’s actually better than the book! Some of the bizarre twists in the book are explained in more believable ways in the American movie version. I like the way the stories of the girl and the reporter run parallel until they collide and the end is excellent. I kept checking to see how much time was left, but not for my usual – "dear lord let this movie end" reason – I wanted it to last longer! (That’s what she said.)

Lockout

Good God was this movie a wretched steaming pile of sci fi/action garbage. Do you know how hard that was for me to write?! I LOVE SCI FI AND ACTION! I DO NOT LIKE GARBAGE! Groan. This stupid tripe about inmates overrunning their space prison until the President sends in Guy Pearce to rescue his daughter, who has been taken prisoner… I believe I’ve said enough. GARBAGE!!!

Three Stooges

I want to pan this movie. But here’s the thing. I’ve never liked the Three Stooges. When I was a kid, the babysitter’s grandson would switch the TV to channel 11 at noon, which is when the reruns aired in New York City and he’d sit there and laugh and laugh and I’d just roll my eyes at the idiocy. I went to see the movie because I thought the new version might be more to my tastes. Nope. It’s exactly the same: pratfalls and hammers to the face. So, if the stooges are your thing (and the movie theater audience LOVED it) then go see this movie. But, for me, if someone gets a hammer to the face, I want to see blood. And bone.

The Lucky One

MY ZAC IS ALL GROWN UP!! SOOOO #NOPEDO!! This movie is a strange love story about a marine who bends down to pick up a picture in the road, right before a bomb goes off killing everyone but him. Naturally, he assumes the picture (and girl in it) has saved his life and sets off to find her. Also, naturally, a hot marine shows up at her doorstep, so she totes falls in love with him. Go see it twice.

Melancholia

Okay. I thought I hated this movie. Then, I thought I loved this movie. But it turns out, I just like this movie. I think. Yes, I’ve seen it a bunch of times. IT’S NOT MY FAULT! IT STICKS IN YOUR HEAD. And then you’re all “get out get out…no, wait, show me that part again with the melting horse.” I dunno. You have to see it for yourself. It’s a movie in two parts, titled after each of two sisters. One who is crazy and the other who is crazier… though I’m still not sure which is which. Jack Bauer is also in it. I will say that I tried watching this with VinNay and he lost it and started doing heroin. He then refused to return to the movie until I told him Kirsten Dunst was totally naked. Oh yeah, Kirsten Dunst is totally naked in this… if you’re interested in that sort of thing.

Alien

This movie is REALLY good. Usually movies from the 70s, when watched in modern times, don’t hold up. Fucking Dune. I went into this movie with low expectations, but dude it was AWESOME! The chick is the hero and she’s not at all trampy. Except maybe at the end… really, Ripley? You walk around a space ship like that? SMH. It scared the crap outta me and renewed my blood feud with cats.

Aliens

O_O THIS MOVIE SUCKS DONKEY BALLS. I MEAN HONESTLY. Nothing that happens makes ANY sense AT ALL. Why for would Ripley go back? Or care about some dumb kid? And why are the soldiers so retarded? ARRGGHHH. I wanna kick James Cameron in the nuts.

The Iron Lady

Meryl Streep is a god among mere mortals. She loses herself in every role so completely. I STILL DON’T BELIEVE THAT WAS SHE. And it’s not just the makeup, and accent, she’s just incredible. I didn’t know much about Margaret Thatcher’s backstory, so that part intrigued me, but the handling of the public Falklands war and political battles, which I did study, was also fascinating! I spent an hour on Wikipedia after the movie to read more. I CAN’T BELIEVE SHE’S STILL ALIVE! Margaret Thatcher, not Meryl Streep. Though Meryl Streep is still alive too.

Moneyball

This movie starts off slow and I thought it was annoying. But it picks up and gets better. My favorite part was when Brad Pitt decides to override his better judgment and go see the Oakland game at the ballpark even though he KNOWS he’s a jinx. But he’s all well “they’re up by 11 runs, what could go wrong?” That’s what I said about going to the last Rangers’ game of the season cause even though I’m a jinx, we were playing a crappy team with a shitty third string goalie. Sadface. The Rangers lost the game, the President’s trophy AND that shitty third string goalie ousted the defending Stanley cup champs from the playoffs in the first round.

J. Edgar

See my review of The Iron Lady? Just substitute every positive adjective with its antonym and you have my review of J. Edgar. Jaysus, was this movie horrendous. It’s like they were afraid J. Edgar was bugging their phones from the afterlife and didn’t want to anger him. So instead of what could have been an intriguing biopic of one of America’s most controversial figures, we get the Titanic boy playing dress up in an old man’s rubber mask. BOOOOO BOOOOOOO

Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol

Meh. Some of the stunts are cool. But this is a dumb dumb movie. Blah. Stuff does blow up, though.

The Descendants

Full disclosure: I cannot take any movie seriously once a main character takes off running aimlessly after hearing bad news. I just can’t. I start laughing everytime and that’s it – especially since those moments are accompanied by the most ridiculous dramatic music and (usually) rainfall. So, about twenty minutes in, this movie, which is supposed to be the poignant story of a husband who finds out his comatose wife was cheating on him and is left with two daughters to raise and a family legacy to protect, loses me. But, that may just be me. Also, the crazy secretary from Arrested Development plays a dramatic role as the wife of the man the coma wife had the affair with and well, I just think it was poor casting cause I kept waiting for her to be funny.

Return of the Secaucus 7

This movie is dumb. It was on EW’s list of best movies about reunions of college friends, and as my reunion is coming up, I thought I should see what I was in for. Bah. It’s not interesting. It might have been a better movie if they had started from the last ten minutes – instead of just ending the movie abruptly just when the characters got interesting.

Our Idiot Brother

I fell asleep watching this movie with F-train. The next day, I put it back on, he walks in the room and goes “trust me, it was better when you were asleep.” He was right. Blech.

Tower Heist

This movie wasn’t the worst. It’s about the staff at a hotel planning to steal back the money lost in their pensions from the pension fund manager. It’s silly and implausible, but fun.

Mirror Mirror

Ugh. This movie could have been great. It’s like, they had all the pieces for a great movie and then just put them in all the wrong order and, instead, we get this mess. In a movie about Snow White and the Evil Queen they’ve GOT NO APPLE BITING AND JULIA ROBERTS NEVER SAYS “MIRROR MIRROR ON THE WALL WHO’S THE FAIREST OF THEM ALL?” W.T.F? EPIC FAIL.

9 comments:

Grange95 said...

You hated Aliens?? I wish you had nuts so I could kick you in them.

Your review sucked donkey balls.

Alceste said...

Aliens was horrible! (as I said to Dawn, Paul Reiser in an action movie is all you really need to know)

VinNay said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
VinNay said...

I want to kick in the nuts whoever suggested she watch Melancholia, as they are indirectly responsible for me having to watch it.

Dawn Summers said...

Twas Astin whut done it.

Astin said...

Melancholia is fantastic. Although I never told Dawn to watch it, just talked about how great it is.

Original Dragon Tat is better than the US one, but I saw the miniseries, not the chopped-down movie.

Julius_Goat said...

Lars Von Trier rarely disappoints. Haven't seen Melancholia yet but am looking forward to it.

Dawn Summers said...

You liked tree of life. You are untrustworthy!

Gib said...

Zac Efron plays a Marine? What next, MMA fighter?