Wednesday, February 1, 2012

February Film Funanza

Water for Elephants
This movie stars Reese Witherspoon and that Twilight vampire guy. It's one of those old man wanders into a tent and the young guy sitting at the desk goes "so old timer, tell me your life story" movies. It wasn't the worst AND a horse gets shot in the face, so there's that. I think it's a love story, if you're cool with some dude breaking up a marriage and running off with the wife...

Attack the Block
This movie was really good! It starts off slow and you've got to struggle through thick British accents AND insane kid slang, so it gets off to a slow start and you're not really sure what you're watching. During this time period, you may threaten bodily harm across International borders. But by the end, it's your old fashioned good guys vs. bad guys ass kicking. Stuff gets hacked, shot and BLOWED THE HELL UP!!! DUUUDDEEEE! WOOOO!

Larry Crowne
This movie is AWFUL. I can't think of the name, but Will Ferrell did a movie where he plays an alcoholic who gets fired and dumped and ends up living on his lawn. Go see that movie instead if you wanna see a middle aged white man going through a boring life change. Tom Hanks is affable enough, but Julia Roberts is a total bitch who hates her job, yet we're supposed to believe she inspires community college students to come in for a 7 am class. Whatevs.

Bad Teacher
THIS MOVIE WAS GREAT!! I know it's not saying much, but this is Cameron Diaz' BEST movie BY FAR! I don't know why it got universally panned, but this tale of a disinterested teacher just looking to find a rich dude to marry, is funny, smart, evil, yet heart warming in the end... so good! They did not need to stoop to the stunt Justin Timberlake casting.

Crazy, Stupid, Love
I liked this movie, which means that if Steve Carrell wasn't in it, I would probably love it. (I just find his mannerisms annoying, particularly his face and voice and body.) I do not approve of the teenage stalker storyline (no means no, kids, no matter what the movies say) but everything else was good, believable and I even thought the twist made sense. Good flick.

This movie was terrific! It inspired me to begin training for my MMA career as "Black Fists of Justice" or "Cholera." Iggy says Black Fists is better and he's my manager, so I'm probably going with that. The movie is contrived. Basically, it's about two unknown fighters who enter a winner takes all fighting tournament in Atlantic City. They have to defeat the best in the world and the big names and if they do, then they have to face each other. OH AND THEY'RE BROTHERS! WHHATTT??? MIND? BLOWN!


As the little girl protagonist says "You're a shite storyteller, Da." And this movie reflects it. A fisherman plucks a chick out of the water, he is a recovering alcoholic, so he doesn't quite believe she's real. He has a daughter, a precocious 11 year old with kidney failure, so she's in a wheelchair (Huh? WHAT?). The kid convinces him the woman must be a magical mermaid with powers. Bleh. I dunno. Like I said, shite.

From Prada to Nada
This movie is On the WaterFront* and The never Ending story* AND Wrath of Khan* all rolled into one, BUT WITH MEXICAN-AMERICAN GIRLS! Their father dies and they discover he was broke all along! Their evil sister in law convinces their brother to buy the house and kicks the girls out into the street. They move in with their aunt in East LA, even though they don't speak Spanish or eat carbs! Ai Ya Yi! Then their aunt sells their Prada bag. Leaving them with nada. Whoops...was that a spoiler? Balls.

I never went to my prom. So I don't know how true to life this Disney rendition is, but Julie Taylor has to go to prom alone, so... yeah, I call bullshit. It was cute though. Predictable down to the last musical montage, but cute. Oh, but the black girl does end up alone, so that's true.

Mars Needs Moms!
This movie is HORRENDOUS. LIKE FOR REALZ. HORR. EN. DOUS. This kid's mom is kidnapped, he gets sucked up in the spaceship after her, runs into this man - who had been sucked up under similar circumstances 20 years ago, when he was a boy. BLECH. Awful and sexist and awful.
* Author has never seen any of these movies.