Wednesday, January 4, 2012

All these movies are terrible

I've always wanted a month where I could definitively describe all the movies I saw as one thing or the other. However, I usually watch too many for that to be possible. Not so for this month! Kudos to all the following sucktacular flicks:

One Day

This was the last movie that I saw in 2011. It stars Anne Hathaway doing an awful and inconsistent British accent and some British actor I've never seen before. He is NOT attractive. Here's why that's important: Hathaway is supposedly in love with him for 20 years despite the fact that he's a self centered, crude, womanizing alcoholic. OH AND HE DOESN'T LOVE HER BACK. O_o This movie will make you stabby.

Margin Call

This movie is supposedly about the financial crisis -- but it has more of a "play on film" feel where there is a lot of exposition and very little visualization. No, I do not know what either of those words mean. I rented it because Kevin Spacey is in it. I forgot that he sucks now. And this movie sucks. It's a lot of white dudes in suits incredulously staring at computer screens going "are these figures, right?! Get Jack in here!" And then Jack comes in and he's all "Are these figures, right!? Where's Alan?!" And so on. This movie will make you shooty.


Midnight in Paris

A movie starring Owen Wilson, directed by Woody Allen AND SET IN FRANCE??! I brought this debacle on myself. I see that now. It's a "comedy" where the central couple clearly hates each other and so seek companionship in other people they actually like, and we're supposed to think that's funny. There's also some kind of time traveling involved as Wilson's character gets transported back to Paris in the 20s every day at midnight. Or he has a tumor. I'm not quite sure. I liked Kathy Bates' character, but on the whole this movie will make you hang from a ropey.

The Change-Up
This is the first nearly unwatchable Ryan Reynolds movie I've ever seen. I...no words. It's some kind of take on the "Freaky Friday" genre where family man Jason Bateman switches bodies with free spirit bachelor Reynolds and "hijinks"? ensue. Awful just awful horrible terrible. This movie will make you jump off a bridgey.


Net Worth

I put this on my queue thinking it was the aforementioned "Margin Call." So, instead of that bad 2010 movie, I got this bad 1980s movie. Oy. It's about the efforts of Ted Lindsay to unionize the NHL in the 1950s and how Gordie Howe stabs him in the back and pulls out the Detriot Red Wings support. I suppose it's interesting if you know nothing about hockey or hockey history and want to shock and amaze your friends by kinda knowing that Conn Smythe isn't just a trophy. However, it's pretty poorly acted, shot and written. This movie will make you sleepy.

In a Better World
Some kind of foreign film, but I could never figure out what country it's set in exactly. It's about two pre teen boys who are outcasts and one decides to blow up a truck and the other one goes along with the plan, but then when he sees a woman walking near the truck with her daughter, he runs in front of them and is himself blown up. As uninteresting as that summary is, I have made this movie sound 400% more interesting than it actually is. It is also inexplicably 180 minutes long. O_o This movie will make you drug overdosey.

Hunger
I thought this was the movie where Batman lost so much weight he was down to double digits. I was wrong. Instead it's a cheap Saw knock off that took me like five attempts to finish even though it was only 89 minutes long. Blech. So some guy takes 8 people hostage for 30 days and records what they devolve into deprived of food and external society. Yes, people get eaten... yet, this movie is still totally boring. This movie will make you wrist slitty.

11 comments:

Astin said...

I've only seen Midnight in Paris out of those, and I really liked it.

You know, other than Owen Wilson, but even he was less grating than usual. A bit.

And it isn't a comedy, it's Woody Allen sci-fi.

Dawn Summers said...

so you don't think that guy had a brain tumor?

Dawn Summers said...

and owen wilson was teerrrrriiiibbbbllleeee.

taetopia said...

I really liked Midnight in Paris too. Saw it twice so I could take a friend of mine.

Grange95 said...

Perhaps you've died and gone to hell and are being tortured with never-ending bad movies. Wait, that would make a good movie ... maybe Owen Wilson will sign on.

Dawn Summers said...

And tyler perry can direct!

Julius_Goat said...

I celebrate the man's entire catalog.

Fischel said...

Both my wife and I saw midnight in paris as well, and really enjoyed it.

Either all of us are wrong or you SUCK!

:)

PetiteDov said...

I liked the endings to each of these reviews.

See Reprise, I really like it, I want to see what you think of it.

Wooden Allen sucks, I refuse to see anything by him. I mean I love the early stuff, but the dude seriously doesn't know how to be in a functional relationship.

Astin said...

No brain tumour. They made that obvious with the private detective angle.

Goat - He's been in lots of great movies (thanks largely to Wes Anderson), but I've always found something off-putting about his chill acting style that barely changes. Worked in Zoolander though.

Gib said...

Thank you for seeing all these movies so I didn't have to. Of course, I wasn't going to see them anyway, so you may have tortured yourself needlessly.