Thursday, December 8, 2011

December Movie Reviews


O_O THIS piece of hackneyed garbage represents the dawning of female comedy? SERIOUSLY? I laughed like TWICE! Once when Maya Rudolph craps in the street in a wedding gown and then when the fat lady steals the dogs. THAT'S IT! The rest was your typical "oh, I want to be married so bad, oh, hey, look the cop who stopped me is in love with me, but I can't see it" drivel! Traffic cops are the WORST! They NEVER love anybody, they just give you tickets and make you sit in the squad car for thirteen hours! Um... that's what I've heard anyway... This movie is WRETCHED!

Animal Kingdom
This movie is super weird. It's about an Irish (I think) family of gangsters and drug addicts. When the drug addict mom dies and her kid goes to live with his gangster uncles, it gets even weirder. So, the kid tries to be a gangster, but they just want him to be a patsy fall guy and then he tries to get out, but things go horribly wrong... but then he goes back to live with them... I dunno. Weird.

The Greatest Movie Ever Sold
I liked this movie. I mean, Morgan Spurlock (best known for trying to ruin my life with his opus on the harms of fast food: Supersize Me), is a bit too proud of himself for his pretty obvious "buying in" gimmick, but the movie works. It's an inside look into the world of product placement by getting the companies themselves to place their products in the movie. I'll tell you whut, I still have a hankering for some POM wonderful pomegranate juice!

30 Days of Night: Dark Days
This is a sequel to the pretty awesome movie 30 days Night about an Alaskan town facing a month of no sunlight when they get attacked by vampires. This movie is the opposite of awesome. AND THEY KILL THE BLACK GUY FIRST! THE HELL?? What year is this?! BOOSHIT! And no, I didn't just "ruin" it for you, it was ruined WAY WAY WAY before that. Like somewhere around the semi-colon in the title.

The Tree of Life
I can't believe I've wasted my best O_O face and "oh god this movie is horrible" lines and I didn't even get to the Tree of Life yet! *throws self into oncoming traffic* Apparently, there were movie theaters that put up signs saying "no refunds will be given for The Tree of Life." That pretty much sums up this "movie." Quote marks are because this is more of a clip show of boring stuff that happens in nature and children chasing DDT trucks. Yarf.

Fast Five
I liked this movie! I think the main characters wore too many clothes, I mean, why is Vin Diesel even wearing a shirt in Brasil? WHY? And THE ROCK is in it and honestly, does he really need pants to play a badass law enforcement agent? NO! And um... I think there are cars... and stuff is PANTS!

Jumping the Broom
This isn't the suckiest TD Jakes movie I've ever seen and it's better than most of Tyler Perry's crap, so... win? The tale of a new money black guy marrying an old money black girl still played into old stereotypes that rich black people "act white" and working class black people are "ghetto." Meh. Again, not the worst. Though, unless you are racist and try to see movies with black actors, there's no reason to watch this.