Sunday, September 11, 2011

September to Remember

Just Go with it
Adam Sandler movies used to be good. Sigh. Now, I shall insert some glib pun like "just go see something else" because this movie about a plastic surgeon who realizes his homely assistant is really JENNIFER ANISTON will make you roll your eyes so hard you will need corrective surgery.

Piranha
HOLY SHIT this movie kicked ass! I mean, if Jerry O'connell screaming "It took my penis," doesn't make for a top notch, grade A movie, how about giant ass piranhas eating people in mid air?! AWESOMESAUCE! Was there a Piranha 2?? I actually have honest to goodness follow up questions.

Horrible Bosses
I liked this movie. I laughed A LOT. That little guy from It's Always Sunny is always funny! And Jason Bateman is a terrific straight man. The bosses were also geniusly cast! Brava.

Glee 3D
Speaking of AWESOMESAUCE...this movie had extra heaping ladles of the stuff! I don't even think you need to watch the TV show to love this movie...though, if you're not watching the TV show... WHY NOT? WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? And please leave your name in the comment section so I have the correct spelling to give to Homeland.

The Help
This movie is about a spunky young white girl who comes home from college and wants to be a reporter. She gets a job writing the cleaning column for local newspaper. But she realizes "I'm white! I don't know anything about cleaning!" And gets her friend's maid to answer all the questions while she transcibes the answers. As she spends time with this woman who is cleaning and raising her friend's kid *IN ADDITION* to answering the questions for HER columnist job, she realizes that the help sure aren't treated very nice. She then asks the maid to tell her what it's like to be a maid, so that she can submit the stories to a publisher in New York. I saw this movie in a theater full of about 75% old white women. Eff yo nostalgia! My little hands were balled into fists for two and a half hours. It's a right good fine movie. Reminded me of Avatar. O_O. Seriously, when are we getting the sarcasm font? But no, really, if you liked Avatar you will LOVE THE HELP! Also, if you liked Avatar please leave your name in the comment section along with which high school signed over a diploma to you.

Planet of the Apes
This movie was terrific! This is EXACTLY what happens when we start letting animals live in our homes, eat our food and get human names. They blow shit up, murder people and destroy property! Finally, Hollywood stops pandering to the bleeding heart liberals and shows us the truth!

Vincere
A foreign movie about Benito Mussolini and his first wife that he apparently dumped and then disavowed. It's weird at the beginning. There are all kinds of "greek chorus" interludes and random spinning newspaper wipes in between scenes, but the movie settles into a nice pace about an hour in. It then becomes a movie about a woman trying to prove she is who she says she and her son are from the inside of a mental hospital. Not to spoil anything, but, um, it does not go well.

The Cove
This is a documentary about the brave soldiers standing on the frontlines protecting humanity from the impending dolphin threat AND THE SPECIES TRAITORS trying to stop them! O_O I can never run for office now, huh? So yeah, apparently, they brutally stab schools of dolphins to death until the water in the cove runs crimson with blood. Most people are appalled. Others think to themselves, hmm... I like that color, I think I'm buying a red coat for winter. *whistles*

The Lincoln Lawyer
This isn't the worst Matthew Mcconaughey movie I have ever seen. Still, it *IS* a Matthew Mcconaughey, so it's bad. He plays a shady lawyer who suddenly grows a conscience when he realized he talked an innocent client into taking a plea. OH NOES! Dumb.

The Eclipse
I really liked this movie and I think it's because I didn't know anything about it at all because when I googled it later and read descriptions like "horror" "thriller" I was like "What movie did they watch?" This was a short, simple story about a dude volunteering at a literary festival. Some stuff happens, he meets a pretty lady, gets in a fight, maybe sees a couple of ghosts. But that's it. Also, there was no eclipse...so the title's a bit weird.

16 Years of Alcohol
I rented this movie because I loved the series Rome and the lead actor in this was the lead actor in that. (He plays a shitty character on Grey's Anatomy now.) This movie is wretched. And not JUST because it relies heavily on stupid voice over narration...not that it helps. It tells the tale of an Irish boy whose mother leaves home and whose father is an alcoholic, so he becomes an alchoholic...oh wait, I already said "Irish," so the rest was redundant. Oh snap #RACES But yeah, skip it. There are way better Irish tragedy movies.

Ajami
This is an Israeli flick about too many damn things. Like, seriously, they could have broken this movie up into five movies and we'd all be better off for it. There's the Romeo and Juliet story, the Godfather story, the Oliver story, some comic book story... I dunno. I guess it was good...but it was all very superficial, too fast and you ultimately don't connect with any of the characters... plus, all middle eastern people look alike and it's confusing. #DOUBLERACES

Stripes
When am I going to learn that until I find inappropriate breast jokes hilariously funny, I need to stop renting Hollywood "comedies"? Oy. This movie is implausibly dumb even for the genre.

Fish Tank
This movie is awesomely sad, yet not sad, yet totally sad. Four thumbs up! Rent this instead of that 16 years of alcohol crap...they're not Irish, but they are British, so that's practically the same thing. It's a coming of age story of a girl from some poor English neighborhood. I don't quite understand how it got the title... but if you figure it out, let me know.

The Baby's Room
Dumb horror movie about a guy who crosses into a parallel universe and ends up coming face to face with the him that he might have been under different circumstances. Blah.

Paranormal Activity
I totally wrote off this flick about a couple dealing with sounds and objects moving in their new house, as a dumb horror movie. But then, the next day, I was in the shower, jamming to my itunes morning playlist and my computer screen suddenly went to sleep, plunging my bathed in pale blue light bathroom to total darkness. You have never heard such loud, panicked, incessant screaming in your life. So...um...yeah...this movie might have made an impression. Also, I'm getting a shower radio.

The Death of Mr. Lazarescu
Here's the thing: the makers of this movie about one man's journey through the European healthcare system, totally ruined it with the title. I'm sayin. But it's a good movie and it's nice that someone isn't picking on the US healthcare system for once.

The Machinist
This movie SUCKS IT! Ugh. I guess I don't want to ruin it for anyone who still wants to see this so-called "thriller" starring the dude from Batman Forever...er...Batman...but SERIOUSLY IT'S SOOOOO DUUUMMMBBB. For instance, and listen, close your eyes if you plan to see it... but the main character comes home to find someone has started a hangman game with him and theyve posted the puzzle on his refrigerator. First of all, THAT'S NOT HOW YOU START A GAME OF HANGMAN! How will you know if the letters you guess are right or wrong?! Someone's gotta be there to DRAW THE HANGED MAN! OK, but that's not even the worse part...the word that the puzzle is has TWO ELS, but he only writes in ONE of them and then forty minutes later, puts in the second one! THE HELL?? If you get a letter right, they've got to PUT THEM ALL IN THE WORD AT ONCE! *Head desk*

Then She Found Me
I thought I hated this movie, then I liked it, then they tacked on the Hollywood ending and I hated it again. Boo. It stars Helen Hunt and Bette Midler as a mom who gave up her baby for adoption then tracks her down as an adult after her adoptive parents die. If it had ended like 15 minutes earlier, it would have been a strong movie. As is, meh.

I'm Through with White Girls
I got this because it had a black guy on the cover. And I thought "Ha! A movie that's going to not skewer black women!" Uh huh. This movie sucked and I was punished for my racism. It's what I deserve. And also, he ends up with a half black, half white canadian girl in the end. AS IF there are even half black people in Canada!

Eight Men Out
I'm obsessed with baseball cheating scandals...mostly I keep hoping there is some effective way that the Mets can cheat their way to winning another World Series. This movie provided NO helpful suggestions. It was also not a very good movie. There was no nuance to any of the characters...I was surprised to find a John Cusack movie I hadn't seen though.

Let the Right One In (original)
Story of a boy and the vampire who falls in love with him. I preferred the American version. These kids were too "kid actorish." Also, the American version improves on the supporting characters and makes their stories more plausible.

Hall Pass
Meh. I didn't hate this movie. I also didn't laugh at anything in this movie until the 60 seconds following the credits where the funniest shit ever happens and I couldn't stop laughing for like 20 minutes. I could almost recommend this movie on the strength of those seconds alone...almost.

Arthur
Yes, I cried during this movie. SO WHAT? I WILL FIGHT YOU! It's not a comedy per se (and as such, I don't consider it a remake of the Dudley Moore classic) but there is a grown man wearing tights and a cape, so it's not exactly a drama. But if you are not made of stone you WILL WEEP!

Battle: Los Angeles
GOT DAMB EFFING ALIENS ALWAYS TRYING TO COME FOR MY GOT DAMB PLANET! Earth is so lucky Americans are bad ass alien fighters! This movie falls just shy of awesome, but only barely. You get sucked into the story and the way it's shot makes you feel like you're totally in the movie. It's pretty good!

Rango
Um. So...um...yeah...I find myself at a loss for words because I can't say terrible things about a Johnny Depp movie, right? I mean, he's Johnny Depp...wait...never mind...Depp was in The Tourist...I can do this. This movie WAS WRETCHED HORRIBLENESS WRAPPED IN A CRAP BURRITO. I don't know how it got made or why it was then released or why every copy wasn't then rounded up and burned, but I'm writing a letter to my congressman. Ugh. Woman. Hate her sooo much.

Unknown
Here's a tip everybody: if you get in a taxi cab in Berlin and your driver is a smoking hot blond woman, SOME STUFF IS ABOUT TO GO DOWN! This was a pretty standard action flick. There's a twist, but it's not really that twisty. Stuff blows up and there are impressive car wrecks. I can't complain.

Last train home
I can't tell for sure if this was a documentary or not...I'm 79 percent sure it is. In which case, this movie about a family of parents who work in the big city and the two kids they left behind to be raised by the grandma, is pretty good. If it's fiction, it's just okay. My favorite part was this scene where thousands of Chinese people (oh, it's set in China about the workers who take a train home for Chinese New Year because that's the only time they see their families) are waiting for ten days for the train because there's been a power outage. There was no food or facilities and the conditions are wretched. But there's this one dude who tells the reporter he's excited about China hosting the Olympics and he "hopes the Chinese win all the gold medals. There are billions of us! Why should we not beat America, there are only millions of them!" I laughed so hard! Nationalism is nationalism even when you live in a facist psuedo communist country. Which that dude does.

Blue Valentine

I want to say this was the perfect movie, but I fear that may reveal exactly how twisted I am, so...er...this movie was so sad and these characters are damaged and flawed...nah, can't do it. Movie was perfect...that's exactly how life and relationships are. *B-boy stance*

The Adjustment Bureau
Why does Matt Damon keep making bad movies? Does he want me to Ben Affleck him? OH MAN THIS MOVIE WAS BAD. However, I did start paying attention to my every minor decision making for the next week wondering if I was really choosing or if the Adjustment Bureau was choosing... but then I lost interest and stopped. Or did I? Maybe they wanted me to stop because I was getting too close!

Source Code
Jake Gyllenhaal is officially Ben Afflecked.

6 comments:

Grange95 said...

You hated Stripes?!? Mene mene tekel upharsin.

BTW, any movie with a fish biting off a penis has a lot of deep psychological symbolism that merits a more thorough examination. Perhaps that's explained in Piranha II--Deliverance, set in a backwoods Appalachian river ...

Astin said...

People liked Avatar? Who are these tasteless movie-goers? Steaming pile of smurf crap, that's what that movie was.

Piranha = fun

Eight Men Out = Whatever, I'm allowed to ignore your opinion of things. Lesson was obvious: Make sure everyone's on board with your cheating.

Adjustment Bureau - I liked it fine until the cheesy ending. Perfectly functional quasi-religious science fiction.

VinNay said...

I can never bring myself to comment on your filmchaw reviews because my comments would end up being longer than your posts.

So instead, I just scream at my laptop while I read your movie reviews.

Dawn Summers said...

But now I want to know what review you disagreed with?? Was it The Help? or Avatar? Come on, tell me! I promise not to report you to Homeland...right away...

Gib said...

I just want to point out that the "Eight Men Out" is clearly an attempt to slander the good name of the Chicago White Sox, probably because our President is a White Sox fan and people who aren't White Sox fans are racist.

VinNay said...

Just Go with it - Never saw it, no desire to.

Piranha - Never saw it, sounds awful.

Horrible Bosses - this movie was ok. A few decent laughs, but nothing special. Aniston was really funny, and I usually hate her.

Glee 3D - Didn't see it. No desire.

The Help - Sounds boring. More boring are all the women in my family talking about it.

Planet of the Apes - Was really good.

Vincere - Never heard of it, but it's probably good because of the name.

The Cove - Sounds about as good as Pirhana. Which is not good at all.

The Lincoln Lawyer - I heard this was good.

The Eclipse - Sounds like garbage. I hate false advertising.

16 Years of Alcohol - More like Boraphyll.


Ajami -meh.


Stripes - Yore dumb for the genre.

Fish Tank - Irish and English are NOT the same thing.

The Baby's Room - Sounds interesting.

Paranormal Activity - heard good things. never saw it.

The Death of Mr. Lazarescu - interesting.

The Machinist - never heard f it.

Then She Found Me - Sounds like why I hated 500 Days of Summer. I'll skip it.

I'm Through with White Girls - I don't watch blacksploitation films.

Eight Men Out - I liked this movie.

Let the Right One In (original) - Efff. Youuu. The original is FAR superior to the remake.

Hall Pass - Never heard of it.

Arthur - Yawn.

Battle: Los Angeles - Awful!!!!

Rango - ...

Unknown - I'll check it out.

Last train home - In america we drive cars, not take trains. I'm a patriot and will therefore never watch this movie.

Blue Valentine - THis is a super good movie.


The Adjustment Bureau - this movie was ok.

Source Code - puke.