Friday, July 1, 2011

JU-LIED

See what I did there? July? Ju-lied? I am so great!

It's my birthday month! Are you all excited? Ready to shower me with praise and adoration? I am gearing up for daily parties and international cake eating. I'm looking at you, Toronto.

So yeah...here I am again. Listen. LIS-TEN! THINGS HAPPEN! Though not to me, apparently. I am somehow always watching movies. Stop staring. It's rude. Anyhoo...so I sorta kinda saw a bunch of movies! Want to hear about them?

Super 8

Okay, this one is kind of a funny story. Through no fault of its own, I thought Super 8 was going to be about superheroes and super powers -- I take that back, I thought that because of the NAME, so it's totally the movie's own fault! Anyway, I decided that since I was actually going OUT to the movies, I should do it properly. So I paid TWENTY dollars to see this flick in the IMAX theater. By the end, I. was. PISSED! In retrospect, this movie was fine for what it was, think more ET than Batman. The guy from Friday Night Lights is quite good as the worried, stern dad and the heavy child-actor cast did not make me want to vomit. That sister of the little blond girl might just be better than the blond girl herself. HOWEVER, at the time...I was maaaad that I had wasted $20 when there weren't even that many special effects scenes. I could have seen this movie three months from now, on my flatscreen and been perfectly happy. So, in protest, I walked across the movie theater hall to see...

X-Men: First Class

Now, I was almost super mad at this movie too, because it starts off very cerebrally without much stuff flying around. But it turns around about forty minutes in and becomes a fairly kick ass, ass kicking movie. I'm not a comic geek, so I don't have much to say about adherence to the real origin stories, but I did love the first two X-men movies and this was a GREAT prequel. I also highly dug the cameos from Wolverine and John Stamos' ex-wife! Two thumbs up. However, this still meant that I had paid $10 for Super 8. I found that distateful, so I went to see my boyfriend in my head, Ryan Reynolds, in...

Green Lantern: 3D

Sneaking into a 3D movie is not without its challenges. Needless to say, I overcame them...happily I LOVED this movie! I thought the 3D parts actually made sense (unlike most totally unnecessary 3D fare.) I liked the alien spaceship guy and of course, Ryan Reynolds was practically perfect in every way. Heck, I didn't even hate Serena from Gossip Girl, even though she was throwing herself at my boyfriend - how embarrasing for her. I liked the storyline. The mad scientist part was kinda sad, he just wanted a little love, was that so wrong... but I don't really see how they do a sequel. A TV show maybe...or like a live action play that Ryan Reynolds will perform in my house every day...*whistles*

Pirates of the Caribbean 4

Okay, now I felt completely justified seeing this movie for free because the last Pirates of the Carribean was just SO bloody awful and I felt the franchise owed me. This movie was not horrible, in fact, I rather enjoyed some parts of it...though, holy crap it was long! And for the life of me, I cannot remember what happens to the mermaid or that christian man... anyway, it was fine. Of course, I had now spent something like 12 hours staring at giant movie screens. I was starving, dehydrated and had a severe headache. So, I went home and watched...

Mao's Last Dancer

The trailer for this movie made it seem more arty than it actually was. It told a surprisingly linear story of a Chinese dancer who was reluctantly loaned out by the communist regime to spend a summer dancing with a texas troupe. It then disappointingly gets very formulaic with him falling in love and marrying the first american girl to smile at him. He clashes with his government about going back blah blah blah. There weren't even any horrible consequences. Also, I'm pretty sure he wasn't actually Mao's last dancer. Lame.

The Hit List

Man, once again, Cuba Gooding Jr. sucks me in with a delightful premise of a man, who is down on his luck and having the worst day of all time, running into a disillusioned hitman who promises to eliminate the guy's enemies for him. The guy doesn't take it seriously and writes down five names. But when they start dying off...dun dun dun. Awesome, right? Wrong! Cuba Gooding juniors all over it and all that's left is a sucktacular mess!

The Good German

It took about seven hours to see this movie one Sunday. I put it in, fell asleep twenty minutes through. I woke up, started it over, fell asleep 24 minutes in. Decided not to start over, fell asleep twenty minutes after that. And so on, till I was well rested and had sorta pieced together that Cate Blanchett was some kind of race traitor in this horrible knock off of Casablanca. And I think George Clooney was in it...but that might just have been an awesome dream.

Shallow Grave

Alceste not only *recommended* this flick to me; he loaned it to me because he OWNS it. O_o Yeah, I have to fight him now. With fists. This piece of crap is a so-called morality tale about four friends who take in a boarder. The man dies and they discover he was hiding a suitcase of money. Instead of calling the police to collect the body, they devise an elaborately ridiculous scheme to hide the body so they can keep the money. And everything that happens after that moronic decision is, predictably, equally moronic. Ugh. WITH FISTS, ALCESTE!

Another Year

This movie ranks up there with Black Swan and Catfish as one of the best movies I've seen. It's haunting, depressing, cute, touching, funny, depressing...oh, did I say depressing already? Basically, it follows a couple and their friends and family for one year. One character, who believes her whole life will change if she could only get a car, will just about break your heart. Poor thing. Great movie.

Happy-Go-Lucky

I gave Another Year so many stars that Netflix felt that I would definitely totally love this movie about a happy go lucky woman who has to learn to drive after her bike is stolen. I must now fight Netflix with my fists. Bleeecchhh.

School of Life
stars Ryan Reynolds as a teacher with some kind of terminal blood disease that inspires him to approach teaching his middle schoolers with that Robin Williams "seize the day" spirit. This upsets the conservative headmaster's son teacher and he sets out to destroy Ryan and his life seizing ways...until he learns the tragic truth. You'll laugh, you'll cry...no, actually you won't do any of those things. This movie is bad. On the plus side, you do get to watch Ryan Reynolds.

A summer in Genoa

The previews for this movie about a mom who dies, leaving behind her husband and young daughters, intrigued me. It wasn't clear where they were going with it. Does the mom's ghost come back or does the family just move to Italy and start over. After seeing the movie I'm still not sure. Blah. It did make me want to go to Italy though!

Inside Job

A documentary about the 2008 financial meltdown. Like all good documentaries to raises up the hackles and angries up the blood! I want prison sentences and I need the President to explain to me why these people are still working in his administration as financial advisors?! I demand answers! But then the movie ended and I forgot. But now I remember again! ANSWERS!

Get Low

Yet another movie with an expert trailer. The story of a dude who decides to throw his funeral before he dies so that everyone in the town can tell a story about him, seemed like something I would enjoy. But instead of committing to that premise, the movie changes into a sentimental story about regret and a quest for forgiveness. Boo. I wanted the movie where all the townspeople roast this old dude.

Multiple Sarcasms

One of those "married man has female best friend and then half way through the movie realizes he's been in love with his best friend the whole time and then tells her one drunken night" movies. Those movies can be good, if done properly. This one isn't cause it isn't. Boo. Also, why is Stockard Channing in this? Why?

Double Take

A faux documentary about Alfred Hitchcock having dinner with himself from the future. And about Hitchcock's real life double...it's weird and eery, and it intersperses lots of stuff about the cold war. Honestly, I still don't know what I think about it...the meeting yourself from the future part is fascinating and being a celebrity doppleganger sounds cool...I dunno. It's weird. But short. So there's that.

11 comments:

Alceste said...

For the record, I recommended Shallow Grave (which I do like and own because it was under $5) to you for the sole purpose of seeing the doctor in an earlier role.

Dawn Summers said...

With. Fists.

pearatty said...

Confused. In shallow grave, why didn't they just hide the suitcase full of money, and call the police for the body, rather than hiding the body?

I mean, much easier to be all, "Dude, he was just our roommate, you're welcome to go through his possessions to see if what you're looking for is there . . . " than hide a dead body. I'm assuming, anyhow.

Dawn Summers said...

Confused. In shallow grave, why didn't they just hide the suitcase full of money, and call the police for the body, rather than hiding the body?


Exactly. And that's not even the most obvious of the non moronic decisions they could have made.

UGH. AWFUL.

fd6ac400-a4dd-11e0-80af-000bcdcb5194 said...

Because you asked nicely (while waving around my blackmail file while smiling gleefully like the Cheshire Cat), here's my commentary:

SUPER 8: I thought it was pretty good, in terms of being the homage to Spielberg's early work and showing what it was like to grow up as film lover in the 1970s. And I would say that Elle Fanning has a great future ahead of her, but Hollywood rarely knows what to do with the beautiful and talented actresses they have in their industry.

The problem is that the only kids who were really memorable were Elle Fanning and Kyle Chandler's son. If you think back to THE GOONIES, every one of the kids were memorable in their own unique way. Other than Joe and...well, I can't even remember the rest of the kids' names or anything distinctive about them other than their love of explosive devices and using the word, "mint." And for a movie determined not to show you what its monster looked like, I couldn't even remember what the monster even looked like, its design being that forgettable.

At least the CLOVERFIELD monster, with its own crappy design looked exactly like what it was: a 50-foot-tall version of Violator from SPAWN.

In short, the stuff with the kids and Coach Taylor: pretty good stuff. Most of the stuff with the human-eating monster we should be feeling sympathy for: not so much.

X-MEN: FIRST CLASS: Better than I expected and much, much better than X-MEN 3 and XMO: WOLVERINE: Loved the cameos and for those ragging on January Jones, she played a ruthless, emotionally distant woman capable of inflicting maximum damage on anyone who messes with her. In short, she played Betty Draper with mutant powers. So, good job for JJ (if only because Rebecca De Mornay wasn't available.)

(I could've done without Darwin displaying his powers during the party scene at CIA headquarters by allowing Havok, a young male White mutant, to constantly beat the shit out of him with a large wooden stick as if he was Rodney King's grandfather. And sadly, the movie did make me lean over to my friend and whisper, "Of course the Black mutant has to die first."

fd6ac400-a4dd-11e0-80af-000bcdcb5194 said...

GREEN LANTERN: Blake Lively looking really good with darker hair. Ryan Reynolds clearly has a great exercise regimen with his trainer(s). And those are the only things that come to mind that were good about GREEN LANTERN. Last time I checked, a superhero film is supposed to be exciting and make you want to see what the hero is going to do next as soon as the end credits roll. I was too busy wondering how much money Angela Bassett was paid to simply spout scientific jargon, appear in sepia-toned footage on the set of CANDYMAN with a couple of other Black actors and then get thrown against a glass window, never to be seen or heard from again.

And when your boyfriend is getting his ass kicked by the villain, why bother taking his ring and giving it to him when you can go through the overly complicated task of activating fighter jets to fire missiles at said villain instead?

SHALLOW GRAVE: Haven't seen this film in years but I do remember liking it a lot more than you did.

Those are the only films listed that I've seen so far. Which means I need to subscribe to a movie rental service as soon as possible so that I can also offer my input on THE ROOMMATE and fail miserably in trying to tell Leighton Meester and Minka Kelly apart.

And I do hope you replaced that lamp you broke when watching THE GREEN HORNET.

- hellresidentNY

VinNay said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
VinNay said...

The doctor was in shallow grave?

Dawn Summers said...

Yes, nine was in it.

Dawn Summers said...

@hellresidentny OMG YOU ARE SO RIGHT! I totally forgot how effing racist the entire treatment of Darwin was! I wanted to punch someone.

VinNay said...

FYI - ju-lied sounds anti-semetic.