There are seven posts on Filmchaw's front page AND NONE are by ME! This is an outrage! And in Black History Month at that! Somebody get me Martin Luther King Jr on the batphone!
Anyway, here's what I've been up to:
I'm Still Here
I was fine with this movie until I started to get bored about three quarters of the way through and googled it and found out it was a "mockumentary." Fuck is that?! So this was supposed to chronicle Joaquin Phoenix's meltdown and retirement from acting and foray into rapping. That was fine. It was compelling even. Douchey and self involved, but, hey I have eleven fifty blogs, so who am I to judge. BUT ALL MY DAMN HELL ASS BLOGS ARE REAL! Although a fiction blog has been...wait...where was I... yeah... so I thought I was watching reality, then found out I wasn't and then I was annoyed.
So in keeping up with my main man Ryan "totally NOT Canadian" Reynolds. I rented this flick. It's called Buried. The box cover is a dude in a coffin. That's the plot. Dude kidnapped and buried alive in Iraq for ransom. So here's the thing. If you're claustrophobic at all stay away. Cause really, the whole movie takes place in a box. I liked it, it was scary...there are some contrived moments that made me roll my eyes because DUDE there's already a guy buried alive, do you need extra drama here? No. But your heart will race. It ends well.
The Old Maid
Old timey movie starring Bette Davis. She plays an old maid. Well, and a whore. Her cousin dumps this dude to marry another dude, Bette Davis feels all bad for the first dude and shags him. Gets knocked up. Has to fake an illness and “move out West” to have the kid. Then she has to take in thirty war orphans to hide the kid. It’s weird. And for the record, Bette Davis’ eyes? Also weird.
Totally thought I was going to hate this movie. I didn’t. I’ve never seen the original though, so I get the feeling the cavalier way that Bernie Mac is irritated that Ashton Kutcher is white doesn’t quite capture the impact of the original. Bernie Mac’s wife annoyed the hell out of me though. No idea why he married her. Certainly don’t get why he’d want to renew vows to her. This may be part of my ongoing irritation with the way black women are portrayed in movies, especially comedies. Oh, um, plot? Bernie Mac’s daughter is getting married. Guy is white. Hijinx.
The Oxford Murders
DUUUDE! This movie is sooo good! Not the least of all because Owen from Torchwood is in it and I'm kinda in an obsessed with Dr. Who stuff moment in my life. Torchwood is an anagram for Doctor Who! Wait...where was I...oh yeah, so the Oxford Murders is a murder mystery (duh) but you SO WON'T figure it out! But not in an annoying way where they pick some random dude you see one time and make him the killer annoying... SO GOOD! AANNNDDD the movie convinced me that I am not bad at math. In fact, I'm a brilliant mathematician! TOO BRILLIANT for you not-as-brilliant-as-me math people to understand my brilliance. There is only one flaw in the movie, but I assume I only spotted it because I'm so brilliant.
Bride and Prejudice
Look. I absolutely loved the first two hours of this movie. Why on earth was this movie longer than two hours. I dunno. It’s a Bollywood romance. Starring Sayid from Lost! And the new lady from that Fox series starring Chance and the big black guy from Pushing Daisies. But no one watches that…so Sayid! It’s an Indian Pride and Prejudice thing with a white American named mister Darcy and an Indian girl. They are proud and prejudiced. But mostly there is singing and dancing. And brightly colored costumes! Oh, that life were a musical! I would say “my life” but I know my character would die early in the second half.
Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason
OMG! It’s another Pride and Prejudice themed movie. I so didn’t plan that! This movie is awful. But Colin Firth… nope, not even worth it to see him fighting in a fountain with Hugh Grant. Well…um…okay, so how about you rent the movie, skip all the way to like the third to last chapter and watch him fighting in the fountain with Hugh Grant.
This movie stinks. It stars that stupid Knocked up guy. Not the main one, the other one. It’s HORRIBLE. It’s just 90 minutes of footage of socially awkward people with undiagnosed mental disorders and we’re supposed to laugh. Wretched.
Every now and then I find a Johnny Depp movie I've missed. This is the first time I've regretted my due diligence. Ugh. Why would he do this to us? WHHYYY??? WHYYY? Okay, it's a very old movie and maybe he was just young and starving... What's it about? He's a bad to the bone teenager in a rockband called the cry babies. He's sweet on a good girl square. Will she cross over to the wrong side of the tracks to be with him or stay on the straight and narrow with her grandmother? Yawn. It maybe is also supposed to be a spoof of Grease cause there's singing and dancing and a car race thingy.
Vomitous. I had to, unfortunately, watch the first half twice cause I had no fracking clue what was happening and then the second time through, I discovered this was intentional cause it was supposed to be a clever double reverse double triple reverse double cross. It’s idiotic is what it is. Everybody dies. Everybody is in on everything. IT’S STUPID. Ooh, but they do shoot Zoe Saldana in the face! Almost worth renting…
Easy A [Blu-ray] (2010)
This movie was GENIUS! I avoided it at the video store for a long time cause it looked like just another raunchy high school movie for me to hate. But instead, it’s a raunchy high school movie to love! Very funny. Great script. Brilliantly acted! Yay! Hooray! Definite renter!
Every now and then, I come across a movie that forces me to ask google one very important question. That question is “what the fuck was (insert title) about?” Plenty is that movie. Google didn’t know either. Meryl Streep was lovely in it though. O_o *scratches head*
Yours, Mine & Ours (2005)
Awww, this movie is like the Brady Bunch, if the Brady Bunch involved 18 children and forty-five pets and the dad from the Sound of Music. It’s cute.
Phoenix & Griffin
Total bummer terminal illness movie. I'm writing this review before the end cause, well, I'm sleepy. But so far, it's pretty standard tearjerker fare with a not awesome twist about 30 minutes in. Best lines: Griffin: What is it you always used to want? Phoenix: George Clooney Griffin: I'm being serious Phoenix: SO AM I. GEORGE CLOONEY and if you really love me, you'll get him for me.
This movie is about rich, promiscuous Upper East side prep school kids who do drugs all the time. It’s told vignette story style and shows how their worlds collide. It wasn’t totally awful.
Saw 3D: The Final Chapter (2010)
THIS MOVIE WAS GREAT! Okay, it was probably just good, but I was expecting such sucky sucktacularness that the coherency of the story floored me! This movie actually made sense! I KNOW, right?! If I wrote those little quotes on DVD boxes the one for this would read “An ending finally worthy of the franchise’s beginning.” It’s a nice gruesome wild ride, right from the gory opening scene to the kickass finale! Yay! Saw is back just in time to not make anymore.
The Social Network [Blu-ray] (2010)
This movie was brilliant! I was riveted from start to finish. Though, I did come away feeling like all the parties involved are douchey assholes. But hey, they did go to Harvard. I am not exactly surprised. That Jesse Eisenberg may have just vaulted himself up from being the poor man’s Michael Cera to being someone whose name I might remember. Justin Timberlake finally finds a role I can believe him in. Brava. Slow clap.
Okay, seriously, this movie is just pure bloody fun. Like. Really. Don’t look for a plot… though there is something about a drug kingpin lord killing his family or trying to take over the world, I dunno. The dude that plays Machete kills people. With a machete. Enough said. Oh and he has sex with Jessica Alba and Michelle Rodriguez… oh and there is lesbianism. Between Lindsay Lohan and her mother, if you’re into that sort of thing. And a guy gets crucified. So to recap: Things die and people have sex. You’re welcome.
The Hills Have Eyes [WS] [Unrated] (2006)
I was in the mood to be scared. So I rented this. I was not scared. I was annoyed. This movie is stupid. The bad guys are really disabled people. How am I supposed to be all rooting against the disabled? COME ON! Eyeroll.
Devil [Blu-ray] (2010)
I had such low expectations for this movie once I saw that it was brought to us by M. Night Shyamalan that I actually ended up enjoying this movie. It’s about five strangers trapped in an elevator when they start dying off. The superstitious guard starts to think the devil is near and is behind it. Knowing that it was M. Night Shyamalan, I expected it to turn out to be something else, something dumb like…food poisoning. But it wasn’t. It’s formulaic and if you are as avid a consumer of popular television and film, as I am, you will figure it out before the end. But at least it wasn’t a dumb bullshit ending like all his other movies except Unbreakable and the Sixth Sense.
Dinner for Schmucks (2010)
I am going to copy and paste a previous review now: This movie stinks. It stars that stupid Knocked up guy. Not the main one, the other one. It’s HORRIBLE. It’s just 90 minutes of footage of socially awkward people with undiagnosed mental disorders and we’re supposed to laugh. Wretched. Except insert the names of that guy from the office and the dude who played Cher’s stepbrother in Clueless. I really hope this isn’t the future of all comedy now. Blech.
The American [Blu-ray] (2010)
This movie wasn’t horrible. It wasn’t great. But I was interested. I kept waiting for stuff to happen though…it creeps. And then when stuff really starts to happen, it’s over. Oh, Clooney plays an assassin who tries to quit. Yeah…lemon.
This is starting to become a bona fide movie genre. Old men wanting to keep playing the action heroes. This stars Bruce Willis and Morgan Freeman as ex CIA guys who come out of retirement when their compatriots start getting picked off one by one. There is a ridiculous romance story tacked on. But for the most part, things get blown up and bad guys get shot. We should not be encouraging old men to run around shirtless with weapons though. Action movies are the domain of the young dammit. Get me Zac Efron’s agent on the line.
Red followed by Secretariat! See what I did there? This movie was FANTASTIC! Disney just knows how to make you love a movie even when you know how it ends. Yes, you will be on the edge of your seat, holding your breath until the final photo finish! Go, Secretariat, Go! Weird to see Lafayette all normified though.
Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole [Blu-ray] (2010)
DUDE. DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE. This movie is terrible. Awful. God awful terrible. It’s my own fault though. I rented a movie about talking samauri owls. I did that. Like, on purpose. I deserved what I got.
Mother and Child (2009)
This movie is told vignette style about women and the children they adopt or gave up for adoption or are living as an adopted child. It is designed to make sure you start crying the minute you put it in the player all the way to when you take it back to Blockbuster. Evil manipulative bastards. I need a tissue. Or a box.
Along Came Polly
It's when a movie like this arrives in my mailbox that I realize that I must truly hate myself. What else would possess me to ask someone to send me a movie starring Ben Stiller AND Jennifer Aniston? WHY? This movie looked awful, I thought it was gonna be awful and VOILA It totally delivered!
Speaking of delivering. This movie just looked cute. Then it came. The previews are longer than the movie, which follows women on four continents through the last weeks of pregnancy through the first year of their babies' lives. It totally reminded me that WYGANT TURNED ONE YESTERDAY! I was too hopped up on painkillers to remember yesterday. Bad Aunt Stephane. Anyway, the movie is basically like watching strangers' home movies. There is lots of boob action. Oh, and you will hang your head when the Chinese baby is driven home from the hospital on a moped and the African baby is biting it's way to dominance, but the San Francisco baby is bolted down in a car seat with a helmet on its head at the grocery store. Oy.
This is a super old movie starring Tommy Lee Jones and Susan Sarandon that I remember wanting to see when I was a kid because the commercial shows the kid hiring a lawyer for a dollar and I thought that was so awesome. And yeah, that was pretty much the best part of this Grisham story about a boy on the run from the mob after the mob lawyer tells him the mob secrets before killing himself. It's not good.
This movie is about teenaged John Lennon. He is living with his aunt and uncle when his uncle dies and his mother comes to the funeral. They rekindle their relationship, much to the chagrin of his aunt. They sneak around behind Aunt Mimi's back. She teaches him to play the banjo and he decides to become like Elvis and recruits all his schoolmates into his band called the Quarryman. Or something. The actor who plays John is compelling and the woman who plays Aunt Mimi, is very famous and wonderful...can't remember her name just now. She's got like three of them...she was in Four Weddings and a Funeral....damn. Anyway, the movie is good.
Brought to you by the same people responsible for Kung Fu Hustle. About 1/3 as good. But it's cute. It's basically the same as ever other movie to feature the phrase "I just want to dance." So...you know, there's a dance off and someone sprains an ankle during the final showdown.