Thursday, November 18, 2010

Remember remember the fifth of November

Well, this is the depressing installment of Dawn’s movie roundups. I think I searched for “death,” and then just rented all of the results. I also really let the movies pile up this month cause I just couldn’t motivate to write anything. (Yup, another failed NaNoMo for Dawn!) Meh. Anyway, get your hot cup of Joe and your cloak of depression and let us begin. Since there are SO MANY movies, I tried to put them in order from best to worst, since I know no one is finishing this post. Sadly, I kept putting so many movies at the bottom, the bad movies kinda start at number 5. Lemon.

Good
“You are a Nazi and I am a Jew. End of story,” says his best friend to Viggo Mortensen’s protagonist. Indeed.

But it is the end of a wonderful story and fantastic movie. It starts off slowly, Mortensen is a professor in 1930s Germany. He regards the Nazis with that casual disdain the American elite have for Republicans. They’re annoying and stupid and he can’t wait till they’re voted out… But then they come to him one day. The Fuhrer LOVED his novel. Thinks he’s a genius! Would he mind doing some research for them. “Oh, well, I guess I misjudged these guys! They’re not so bad.” Then it turns out his best friend has a little teeny Jew in him… they strip him of his medical practice. Freeze his assets. But Mortensen doesn’t want to make any waves. He’s got it good. He tells his friend to buck up “you hated being a psychiatrist anyway. All those whiny patients! Go to France. Surf.” Well… you know how it turns out.
Nazi. Jew. Awesome movie.

Leaves of Grass

I didn’t know what to expect from this movie. The box has that weird surreal art quality of yearbook photos of Ed Norton. Like the 40-year-old virgin movie box. But I actually really liked this movie. Ed Norton plays twins, one a philosophy professor and one a drug dealer. The drug dealer has gotten into a bind and a mobster is after him, so he wants his brother to pretend to be him around town, so he can go to a different town and kill the mobster. It was a pretty good plan…but it wouldn’t be a good movie if it works out, now would it?

The Towering Inferno
It amazed me how old this movie was: 1974! I don’t even have to lie when I say I wasn’t even born yet! OJ Simpson is in it! Crazypants. I actually didn’t like it though. And I know EXACTLY why. The Twin Towers. I know what happens when a skyscraper burns in real life. It wasn’t pretty. It wasn’t exciting. It was horrible and gruesome. And this movie clearly had NO IDEA. Obviously, not its fault. But it was hard to watch. All the quips and the extraordinary heroics to save the building and the people with helicopters and zip lines, but in reality, you know, the most we can do is watch the building burn and the bodies fall.

The Gathering

This movie was very interesting. It stars Cristina Ricci, who I will always think of as Wednesday Adams. Wednesday is hit by a car. The driver takes her home and she quickly becomes part of the family. But she has a secret past! (Don’t they always?) Strange deaths start to occur and the father in the family starts to see a pattern. Anytime something terrible happens, the same dozen or so faces can be seen in background. Think Hiroshima – there’s Waldo in the background of the photos of the dead. Pearl Harbor? Waldo again! San Francisco earthquake- NO WAY! Yup. Waldo. Anyway, he sees two of the faces walking around his town and starts to freak! Something bad is about to happen cause…they are GATHERING! It’s cool. Rent it.

The Last Word

This movie is about a guy who makes his living writing “goodbye notes” for people who are planning to kill themselves, but can’t think of what to say to their family. So, he follows them around for the last week or so of their life, looks through their mementos and listens to them talk about their loved ones and then he writes up a “last word” for them and then they kill themselves and their families have closure. Unfortunately, he falls for the sister of one of his clients, but can’t tell her how he knew her brother. Ray Romano is also in it as his current client.

The Life Before Her Eyes
This movie tracks a Columbine type disaster, where the gunman shoots up the whole school, but decides to give these two best friends the choice of which one will die. The one girl is all “shoot me!” The other girl is all “yeah, shoot her!” She then has all this guilt as an adult and stuff. It’s all pretty dumb.

Peter’s Friends

So, a guy’s father dies and he invites his old college friends to come spend one last holiday together. This movie was so perfectly wonderfully depressing. “There’s high school, college and then a black hole.” “Adults are children with debts.” It stars Hugh Laurie! And Kenneth Branaugh (you really must hear me pronounce Branaugh out loud. It’s hysterical.) And that British woman who is always in movies with Kenneth Branaugh! There’s a wonderful scene where she hits on the host of the party by showing up naked to his bedroom and he says to her “I’m not in the vagina business.”
This movie is awesomesauce. Depressing depressing sauce of awesome.


Charlie St. Cloud

I had to go back and see what my Zac Efron movie rating system was like. (I CANNOT believe he lost an acting matchup against Justin Timberlake. This is how we end up with President Sarah Palin, people.) Okay, so here’s my system: 1 star for starring Zac Efron. 2 stars for featuring a shirtless Zac Efron and 1 star for having Zac Efron sing. Zac Efron does not sing in this movie. However, he is shirtless. A LOT. AND WET. The movie is about a promising sailor (like America’s Cup, not Popeye.) But then he and his brother die in a car crash. Paramedic brings him back, but his brother stays dead. But now he can see dead people. So he hangs out with his brother and his friends who died in Iraq. Then he has an affair with a young woman, who is trying to sail around the world. But then three days later, he learns his girlfriend HAS BEEN MISSING FOR A WEEK! She’s in his head! Dun dun dun. Oh yeah, minus one star for Zac Efron making out with some lame chick.

Murder at 1600

Um. Remember when Wesley Snipes was an action hero? Yeah, he made this movie. He’s a DC cop. There’s been a murder at the White House. He has to solve it, while jumping through the Secret Service’s hoops. Can he solve the crime before he becomes a victim of the coverup?! Yes. Yes, he can. Yawn.


Badlands


Martin Sheen was TOTALLY hot as a young man. O. M. G. His sons are puke compared to him in this 1960s movie about a Bonnie and Clyde couple who go on a serial killing rampage through South Dakota. PUKE. The movie is weird. But not bad.

Crazy on the Outside

Tim Allen stars as a parolee who has to relearn to live with his family again. It’s supposed to be a dramedy. But it fails on every level. It’s not funny. It’s not sad. I hate every single character. UGH. Awful.

Papillon

So this dude Papillon is convicted of killing a pimp. He is sentenced to life on some prison island. He keeps trying to escape. He keeps failing. Then one day, when he’s 70, he builds a raft out of coconuts or something and he floats away. Dude. Random.

The Last Station

Speaking of random. So Tolstoy evidently wanted to shun all his worldly possessions and live the simple life, but his wife was all “dude, we have 14 children! What the fuck?!” And so his aides try to keep her away from him before he changes his will giving all his money away. And then he dies.

Love & Distrust

This movie is terrible. It should be called Hate and Distrust. Or "Sorry Dawn, you didn’t deserve this." It’s a series of vignettes. Vomit.

Wonderful World

Matthew Broderick plays a pessimist. But then he gets a magical African roommate who teaches him that “thoughts are things” and if he helps others, good things will come. But then the roommate goes into a diabetic coma and his car gets towed taking the dude to the hospital and then he’s fired from work because he was late getting in that day. Then the African dude’s sister comes to stay with him. They have a lot of sex. She thinks he’s going to marry her. He’s all “um…you’re black. We don’t do that in American movies.” She goes back to Africa. Yeah, hated this fucking movie.

Mystery Men

This movie is about a ragtag bunch of misfits who decide they can fight crime. It’s weird and dumb and seriously, just rent "Kick ass." It’s funnier, more touching and frankly more believable. Plus, it doesn’t have the unbearable Ben Stiller in it.


Kiss Me Goodbye

A young Sally Field is preparing to get married again after watching her husband die three years earlier. She inexplicably decides to marry the new guy in the house she shared with the old, dead guy. Turns out the dead guy’s ghost still roams the place. Hijinx? Ensue.

Grown Ups

A group of guys, who played basketball together as kids, gather for their coach’s funeral. They decide to spend the weekend together catching up and letting their families get to know each other. That is the most cogent write up of this wretched, boring, unfunny mess of a movie that you will ever see.

Ramona & Beezus

I loved Beverly Cleary. As a child, I would spend hours in the library reading and re-reading Ramona books. On behalf of both Beverly Cleary AND that child, I want to kick the makers of this movie in the nuts. They make Ramona out to be a trouble making crazy person, even though she just has TERRIBLE parents who lead her to believe that she has to save the family home after her dad gets laid off. AWFUL AWFUL AWFUL. And Beezus sucks. This whole movie sucks. Though I like Aiden and the guy from Las Vegas.

Please Give

This movie is about a woman who buys furniture from old people who have died and apartments of elderly people who are about to die and then resells them for huge profits. She starts to feel guilty about this. You won’t care. Whole flick is terrible.


The Late Shift


So in case you needed NEW reasons to hate Jay Leno, pick up this ditty. It’s the tale of his late night wars with David Letterman and how he jettisoned his manager the minute he got the Tonight Show, even though he would have had NOTHING without her. Kathy Bates is the awesome. I saw a funny “some ecards” it was “I hate Jay Leno because he makes me feel bad that I don’t actually think Conan’s funny.” That’s where I stand.

Wolf Moon

This movie seems to be a premake of the Anthony Hopkins Wolfman movie from last year. Same plot of father and son wolves, where one likes it, the other doesn’t. Same woman who loves the wolf. Though they throw in a sheriff who is a chick with a thick Spanish accent. No bueno.

Beyond a Reasonable Doubt

This movie stars the kid Gaby had the affair with on Desperate Housewives and the girl who played Emily on General Hospital. She’s on House now. It’s about a reporter who has a hunch that the District Attorney is fabricating evidence to get his conviction rate high enough so he can run for Governor. To prove it, he decides to frame himself for a murder. Can’t IMAGINE what could go wrong. It’s not the worst movie ever and there’s a neat twist at the end.

Jackie Chan: Kung Fu Master

You know what is the worst movie, ever? Yeah…ugh. So the premise is this kid wants Jackie Chan to teach him Kung Fu so he can beat up the bullies in his class. Blah blah blah. He runs around China trying to get on the set of Jackie Chan movies. Terrible.

Toy Story 3

This movie is the story of what happens to your toys when you move away to college. It’s not pretty. Cute movie though. But sorta depressing too.

Coco Chanel & Igor Stravinsky

This movie is terrible. Stravinsky cheats on his wife with Coco Chanel, but the wife doesn’t mind because he’s found something to be passionate about again. But then Coco Chanel gets bored with him and dumps him.

American Crime

This movie is awful. It starts out like a faux documentary about a young female reporter who stumbles on the story of her career, but she gets too close and the killer kills her! But the acting is so dreadful and the dialogue so stilted, you mostly laugh. Awful. Awful. AWFUL.

Autumn in New York

Speaking of AWFUL. I don’t understand. This flick was SOOOOO AWFUL. Winona Ryder is 20 years old and dying of some heart ailment. Richard Gere is 400 years old, dated both Winona’s MOTHER AND GRANDMOTHER! But she decides he’s the one for her! And he’s all “okay…but you’re SURE you’re gonna die, right? Cause I don’t do commitment!” And she’s all “yep.” And he’s all “okay, then I love you! I love you forever!” AND THIS IS A LOVE STORY? A “heartbreaking love story” according to the box?? Fuck outta here.

Sex and the City 2

Speaking of “fuck outta here.” Can this Sex and the City thing please DIE ALREADY? PLEASE??? This movie is like a compilation of four different movies ALL OF THEM TERRIBLE! Oh Carrie is all “waaa my life is so boring.” And Miranda is all “waa male lawyers are so mean to me” And Charlotte is all “waaa mothering two children with the help of a pretty nanny is sooo hard!” and Samantha is all “Look at me, I’m not really old! Really!” And then they’re all “Let’s go to Saudi Arabia! GAG. Vomit.

Splice

Adrien Brody is so very very annoying. This flick is no exception. He and his girlfriend build a new species that’s part stingray/part girl. They call her “Dren” and raise her as their own. It does NOT turn out well. Then Adrien Brody has sex with Dren. He girlfriend catches him. Dude. GROSS. Then Dren grows wings and er…other body parts… Seriously. GROSS.

Fragile

I think this was another Cristina Ricci flick. She stars as a discredited nurse at last chance hospital. But the hospital has a terrible past. The patients and staff are dying and time is running out to stop the bloodshed and save the children! Meh. Boring.

See the Sea

This movie is SO freaky. It’s a French short. (Honestly, I don’t know how I keep ending up with these French films. It’s not my fault!) The mother and her baby are at the family beach house while the husband is away. A young drifter girl knocks on the door and asks if she can pitch her tent in the yard. The mother is lonely and desperate for adult company. This will not end well.