Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Unstoppable (2010)

F-train and I found ourselves with some time to kill on Monday afternoon and decided to partake of a picture show at the Orleans casino. I suggested Harry Potter, but evidently, F-train is NOT the twelve-year-old girl we all suspected him to be. We ran through a list of the other options out loud at In-N-Out Burger and when we got to "Unstoppable" with Denzel Washington, the woman at the table next to us apologized for butting in "but that movie is terrific."

F-train and I were both skeptical, but we put an imaginary pin in it and moved down the list of other options. I was into "Next Three Days," he wasn't. He wanted "Black Swan," but Las Vegas doesn't offer Indie movies.

"Well, let's go over to the theater and see what's playing."


We got there at 3:10.

"Well, Megamind is at 4:30...Unstoppable is starting now..."

Okay then!

"I hope the theater is empty," he says, "that'd be awesome."

There was a couple already inside.

"Nope. Two other people are here...and two minutes ago it was awesome for them!"

"Eh. If it can't be awesome for us, why should it be awesome for them?"

When he's right, he's right.

Except, since we were there to see Unstoppable, the truth is, it wasn't going to be awesome for anybody.

Some say this movie is "Speed with trains." Those people are stupid. Do you remember Jaws? How no one was sure what the threat was exactly and then the Mayor was all "no, we're not ruining the Fourth of July Holiday!" But then they realize the shark was super dangerous and send a bunch of men out on the water to kill it? And then there's 85 minutes of boring old men conversation out on the ocean and then a final 20 minutes of Jaws killing a bunch of people and then the survivors floating on a plank back to shore?

Well, this movie is that 85 minutes of Jaws. With trains.

Denzel plays this old crotchety old man who has gone to the acting school of cave echoes. You know the school "Son, do you think your training has prepared you for this? DO YOU?" Followed by "I have 28 years on these tracks! 28 YEARS"

And so you kinda wish you were alone in the theater so you can shout "THIS SUCKS" and hopefully hear a cacophony of agreement echo back at you too.


Yeah, so. There's a runaway train. Of course it's filled with toxic chemicals! And there's another train full of school children! Um. And then you're suddenly back in 4th grade and there's a train traveling toward Stanton at 70 miles an hour and a tug train chasing it at 50 miles per hour and how bad do you have to be at math to not roll your eyes when Denzel catches it and hitches the tug to the runaway train just as they tear through the deadly Stanton S curve? Answer is D. Oy.

F-train and I were laughing and audibly booing the screen. Audibly.

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