Thursday, September 9, 2010

September to Remember

Huh. Did anyone else realize that remember rhymes with an awful lot of our months of the year? No? Just me? Well, then YOU'RE welcome America! Um...and Canada. And possibly Mexico, if the Rooster reads this blog. Which he probably doesn't.

The Crazies

This movie is AWESOME! And that was before I even watched the whole Deadwood series in a week and learned all about Bullock. It’s scary AS HELL, in terms of both gore and psychological thrillage… I just made that word up, didn’t I? It’s got yer government cover-ups and your shootings and burning alives, oh and yer pitchfork stabbings…AHHHHHHHH. OMG. Seriously. I screamed for hours.

Death at a Funeral

This is the movie I thought I was renting when I rented the British Death at a Funeral, last year or earlier this year, it’s starting to run together. This version stars Martin and Chris Rock and Tracy Morgan and Danny Glover. And would you believe, TRACY MORGAN is the best part? Everyone else stinks. Chris Rock as the straight man is stilted and boring. Martin as a cad hitting on a teenager, yawn. Even the guy who accidentally takes hallucinogens and starts tripping is lame and boring. Definitely see the British version instead.

Repo Men

This is one of those set in the future sci fi adventures that I hate so much. And seriously, why doesn’t Jude Law just shave his head or wear a wig instead of us making us watch his hairline recede in slow motion movie after god awful movie? Ah, but enough snark, how about a plot. So… um… they have invented artificial organs to make up for the shortage in organ donations. Naturally, such organs are expensive, so people need to take out loans to pay for them. But the bad loan company is evil and charges them interest and so now they have to pay for the organs AND the privilege of borrowing money. And when they fall behind, the bad mean company sends out men to repossess (that word has A LOT of esses in it) the organs. Jude Law’s wife doesn’t like what he’s doing so she wants him to quit, but his partner refuses to let him go and rigs and\ accident that costs Jude Law his heart. So now HE must take out a loan for an artificial heart! Then I think Jude Law falls in love with a woman who has so many artificial limbs and organs that she’s mostly machine. I dunno. This movie is wretched. Booo.

Youth In Revolt

Man, I hate Michael Cera. I’ve been watching old Arrested Developments and my only regret about that series is that it made him famous. And now he is unleashed unto the world making crap movies like this dung heap. He’s a kid in love with a girl who is way too hot for him. And so he conjures up an alter ego who does bad things to make him seem more rebel than dweeb. And then she falls for him, but now he has to go to prison. The only one that’s funny is Michael Cera’s mom. But she’s also a whore. Blah. Snooze.

The Runaways

Yeah, because what I really want is to see little Dakota Fanning as a coke whore. Sigh. I’m not into this kind of music and I’d never heard of Cherie Whatever or her Girlettes before, so maybe I’m not the movie's target audience. But as a biopic, it’s merely okay. I actually empathized most with the manager and felt like I was supposed to be siding with the girls…right? The chick from the Twilight movies was as single dimensional and vacuous as she is in those movies. I used to think it was the character Bella, but now, I see it’s the actress. If you can’t make Joan Jett in the 60s exciting, you fail at life.

Green Zone

Oh man, yet another terrible movie. I don’t know why they say this is part of the Bourne series, it’s not. Damon plays a regular old marine, who is navigating the fine line of a “friendly occupation.” The movie is basically about whether he can trust this Iraqi dude as they search Baghdad for the bad guys in Sadaam’s administration. In the end, he can’t. No, he can. Wait, no, he can’t. Oh…maybe…YESS HE CAN! Aw…lemon. Nope. I’m not kidding. That’s how the movie goes.

Kick-ass

THIS MOVIE KICKED ASS! I can’t begin to tell you how much I feared this movie was gonna blow chunks. But, no, instead it BLOWS YOUR MIND! The premise is that this nerd boy decides to dress up like a superhero and see if he can make a difference. He can’t, he gets his ass kicked. (“They shouldn’t call him kick-ass, they should call him ass kicked” – Nicholas Cage as Big Daddy.) But he inspires this father and daughter team to do the same thing and they are ARMED! And then he spawns a nemesis, a Richie rich kid who is trying to win his father’s affection. MAN, this movie is GREAT GREAT GREAT!!!

Clash of Titans

I liked this flick a lot. I’m totally into mythology and that’s what this movie deals with. The demigod son of Zeus trying to save makind from Hades’ power grab. There are cool monsters (“Release the Krakken!”) And neat fight scenes, the story isn’t totally predictable and the end is surprisingly satisfying.

Extraordinary Measures

Um…Brendan Fraser plays a dad of two kids dying of some weird children’s disease. Harrison Ford is the aloof scientist who has a cure in theory but is too anti-social and poor to test it on human subjects. Um…it’s supposed to be one of those “tug at your heart strings” movies. But, I didn’t feel a single tug. I dunno, I just didn’t care. Maybe they shoulda gotten cuter kids. (Oh snap! No she didn’t.) Or maybe Brendan Fraser and Kerri Russell are just too annoying…yeah, that was probably it. The kids were plenty cute. (Save!)

Diary of a Wimpy Kid

UGH. SKIP. SKIP. SKIP. I think this is a beloved children’s book series? I don’t know, I don’t have kids, but this movie strings together every dumb cliché about being yourself and sticking up for your friends from every live action kids movie since the beginning of time, yet still comes out with a stinker. The main kid is trying to be cool, so he ditches his chubby elementary school best friend, but then still isn’t cool and the chubby kid becomes cool and then they have to eat some cheese off the floor… blech. Boooo double booo!

The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus

I rented this movie in my never ending quest to see all of Johnny Depp’s movies. He isn’t in it very long though, and then I realized this was the famous “last Heath Ledger” movie. It’s okay. It’s got Jude Law’s receding hairline in it too… um… the premise is weird. It’s all about magic and the devil and the dreamworld, meh. If you are trying to see every Johnny Depp movie, then definitely rent it!

The Spy Next Door

So, if I say that “Jackie Chan is the romantic lead,” is that enough to tell you to run, run very far and very fast away from this movie? Cause if it’s not, you need your head examined.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

Ooh, ooh I get to give my pretentious “the book was better” line on this one! Well, it would be pretentious, if the book wasn’t basically beach lit that everyone and their mama is reading right now. Oh, but what if I add “the book was better, but the other two in the trilogy are infinitely better,” that is TOTALLY pretentious! Woo! Suck on that! Where was I? Right…the movie. It’s basically a murder thriller. An old man is dying and before he goes he wants to find out what happened to his granddaughter fifty years ago when she disappeared from the island. The movie is in Swedish, with subtitles. It’s very dark and grainy. I highly support the upcoming remake with Daniel Craig…they could have done more. The movie glosses over some stuff way too quickly, though, it’s still fairly long. Not a good combo.

Dirty Work

Very random comedy…where Norm McDonald runs a revenge for hire business (incidentally, I could SO run a revenge for hire business!) Hinjinx ensue. It’s funny in parts… not anywhere close to Dodgeballs funny, but decent. And short, so there’s that.

The Last Song

Well, I will say two things about this movie. First: I rented it because Miley Cyrus was in it. I like her. Second: I did not know it was a fracking Nicholas Sparks movie. However, at the movie’s end, I did not feel violent towards anyone involved. I cannot say that about the last two Sparks movies that I saw. It’s a pretty standard “family movie.” You know, bad NYC teen’s mom ships her off to her dad’s house in…um…somewhere else that’s not NYC where people talk funny and life moves slower. She learns to love again. Or gets self esteem. I dunno…whatever the point those movies always try to make, this one tries to make as well.

Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day

I didn’t know what to expect from this movie at all. Not sure why I picked it up. But I’m glad I did, it was a quirky, not annoying period piece. The plot is something like a homeless woman in pre world war 2 England pretends to be a hotshot publicist and gets a fancy job for an actress. She comes to realize that she’s not the only one pretending to be what she’s not.

City Island

This movie is TOTALLY not what I was expecting. It’s about a family in the Bronx. And everyone is keeping secrets, but then the secrets come out and boy are they dumb secrets like “I don’t want to be a prison guard, I want to act!” Oh, well, and “oh, this is my son that I had with some whore before I married you.” And “I’m a stripper, dad.” But other than those, the secrets are way dumb.

Harry Brown

BLECH. I saw this movie when it was Gran Torino and the I hated it then too.

Grand Canyon

At first, I thought I hated this movie. It’s one of those vignette style pieces set in LA where the white people run into the black people by some unfortunate happenstance but then interact: think Crash. Except this movie starts to make fun of itself for being that and then I didn’t hate it. That this movie was made way before Crash and didn’t win an Oscar, pisses me off. It’s great! And the writing is great…though the ending is weird.

MOVIES I SAW A LONG LONG TIME AGO, BUT SAW AGAIN CAUSE I SIGNED UP FOR NETFLIX MONTH-LONG FREE TRIAL.

Shut it. Do I come to your blogs and judge you?

Big

I had a big debate with my coworkers about whether Tom Hanks has sex with the Weeds lady in the movie. My argument was absolutely NOT this is a kid’s movie and that would make her a pedophile! I was wrong. So, very very sadly ewwww, grossly wrong. Aside from the pedophilia, the movie stands up as the cute fun story that I remember.

Jaws

This movie does not stand the test of time AT ALL! Except for the first ten or so minutes when the dumb blond girl gets eaten, this movie is not scary for even a second. Well, okay, and maybe at the end when the captain gets eaten. But really, it’s just a lot of old men yakking away. Snooze job! And why did I think that Jaws was like a super shark science experiment that went wrong? Nope. He’s he’s a regular old shark. ZZZZZZ

Beetlejuice

STOP IT! I see you saying it three times in your head. Jerks! Um… I liked this movie more when I was a kid, it’s kind of uneven, but I still liked it today. And I was singing “shake shake shake zanora” for the rest of the day, so, you know, there’s that.

2 comments:

DuggleBogey said...

Again people, please remember the point is to fade these picks.

Dawn Summers said...

hahaha Indeed!