Tuesday, July 27, 2010

July, July it never seemed so...

Ha! Well if Julius Goat is back, SO AM I! SHA-SHA!
The Express

This movie was AMAZING! Well, more accurately, the story of Ernie Davis, the first African-American to win the Heisman trophy is amazing and this movie doesn't frack it up! The white coach isn't portrayed as a do-gooder either. To the contrary, it's obvious that he isn't comfortable with the "negroes," but he wants to win games and Ernie Davis WINS games! This is a story about college football, but also about race relations in America in the late 1950s, early 60s. But the movie isn't hamfisted about it. I liked the characters and yes, they have somewhat been done before in movies like Remember the Titans and that other one about the first time black boys were picked for college basketball teams, but The Express just does it better. So don't see those, see this one!

The Losers

I'm a sucker for Jeffrey Dean Morgan. You know this because I actually know his real name. Instead of calling him Denny from Grey's Anatomy "Izzie cut the L-vad wire!" Or the dad from "Supernatural." I've only seen him in one major movie picture though...scratch that...two major motion pictures, The Accidental Husband and the evil X-men movie...the one with Rorshach and the bloody, yellow have a Nice Day pin. Shh, don't tell the nerds at Comic-Con that I can't remember the name of it. Anyway, those two movies blew chunks. Oh, the Watchmen! (Ask me how I remembered? Go on ask me...okay, I'll just tell you. Because my twitter review was "Who watches the Watchmen? Not me, I fell asleep on my couch.") So anyway, The Losers. Here's the premise, these guys are covert wet ops. The Government sends them in to do the killing that must be done! Then the government burns them! And they have to pretend to be dead, so they can comeback and get their revenge. So, it starts off with about twenty minutes of nonstop action, followed by 70 minutes of broody plotting and then more action. With the exception of the young loser guy who played one of the Fantastic Four, I didn't really care for the Losers. I thought the villian Max was awesomesauce though. "You're going to have to kill them. Or fire them, whichever is easier." he was deliciously randomly evil. And he was very quick to shoot people. This is what I look for in a villain. The movie was fun, surprising at times and all in all didn't embarass the genre. It is unfortunate that this movie came out at the same time as the new A Team though.

Ong Bak 2

Good gravy was this movie terrible. Most of the time I didn't even know what I watching. Is this a flashback? A flashforward? Is this present day? Why does everyone have gross teeth? Ew. The hell? The first one was great. This muddy, grainy, boring piece of dumbassery should never have been made.

A Single Man

Let me say this upfront: there is a lot of Colin Firth butt shots in this movie. With that covered... This movie tells the story of a man whose life is spiralling into an abyss of depression and self pity after his lover dies suddenly in a car crash and because the dude's family didn't approve of their "light in the loafers" lifestyle, he doesn't get to go to the funeral. So he's sad. And struggles to get out of bed. And hates his job. Which, altogether, kind of a bring down, you know? But then they intersperse it with shots of him and his lover in happier times swimming all nakedly. Oh, um, that woman who guest starred on 30 Rock as Jack's girlfriend from Boston was in it too. She was kind of annoying. Evidently, she was in love with Colin Firth (like who isn't) but since he was all gay, she was out of luck and stuck marrying some other guy who didn't love her and getting dumped after 9years and a kid. Aint that always the way? So, then some stuff happens and he wants to kill himself and then some other stuff happens and...well, did I mention the Colin Firth butt shots? Okay, then this review is done.

Cop out
Okay, I know I often say movies are terrible. It's not my fault. Some movies are just terrible, what am I supposed to do? Lie to you? Not on my honor as an unpaid movie reviewer for an unknown, erratically updated movie blog, NO SIR! However, I want you to really, truly understand how bad this movie is. This is not your regular everyday "blah, sucked. don't see it bad."

NO.

This movie is a lock for every Razzie ever given for the rest of eternity times INFINITY bad! This movie is so bad, it's like Bruce Willis said to Ashton Kutcher I bet you $5 I can make a worse movie than you have ever made! And Ashton Kutcher was like "Pshaw, NOT HARDLY, you're on!" And I promise you, Bruce Willis went out and bought himself a footlong on Ashton Kutcher the day after this dungpile came out.

Legion

Um...I guess the guys who made this movie can claim they've never seen Supernatural. I suppose it is on an obscure network, with relatively unknown actors...wait, except Legion's lead actress is a recurring character in Supernatural. D'oh. Um...well, maybe Supernatural went forward in time and stole the whole Angels bringing the apocalypse storyline from them in the future! O_o Or something. Basically, I'm a huge Supernatural fan. I liked this movie when it was Seasons 4-5 and starred Sam and Dean and the weird Angel who is funny when he's drunk. The movie fails at humor, drama, suspense, emotions, dialogue, special effects, storytelling...did I say drama? Meh. Skip. Oh, the angel wing slicing open that one dude was cool though...and if you hated Addison Montgomery on Grey's Anatomy or Private Practice, way bad things happen to her in this! You're welcome.

The Preachers Kid

So...this girl...whose dad is a preacher...is a preacher's kid. Her name is Angela King. Get it? Angel? King of Kings? JEE-SUS. Then she meets a scoundrel recording artist whose name is Stan Devlin. Get it? Satan the Devil? With the rock music? And so she all leaves home to go sing with Devlin and her father says "no, don't do it! If you step foot outside of those doors, you are not welcome back!" O_O Yeah, that happened. And then she beds down with Devlin and does the drugs and the booze and sex. And then um...oh my god, can I tell you that there was a moment when I actually wished Tyler Perry had been involved in this movie? *Shudder* Anyway, she takes a pregnancy test, discovers she's pregnant, realizes Devlin is a liar and leaves him to go back home. Her father apologizes and takes her back. Oh, and then she realizes she's not pregnant after all! Yes, folks, she is so dumb she couldn't pee on a stick. Kill me.

Wolfman

I thought this movie was going to be terrible. Then it got rocking reviews, so I wanted to see it. Those reviews lie. This movie is terrible. It's dark, and weird and nothing interesting at all happens -- which is a pretty damning statement given that there ARE TWO WEREWOLVES RUNNING AROUND! I MEAN DUDE! YOU HAVE MONSTERS!!! WHY AM I BORED????? EPIC MOVIE FAIL. What a waste of Anthony Hopkins and that other guy. Oh, plot? Dad became a werewolf to cure some illness he had. He took a liking to the killing. He bites son. Son becomes a werewolf, he does not take a liking to the killing. They butt heads. There is a lot of hair and saliva. And teeth. But not enough to make me care for more than five minutes.

Toothfairy
I declared this the best hockey movie about a toothfairy that I've ever seen. I stand by that. Look, is this movie going to win an Oscar? No. Are you going to turn off the DVD player and ponder the deeper meaning of a hockey player sentenced to one week of community service as a tooth fairy? No. Well, maybe, but probably not. Are you going to enjoy the Rock being all Rockish and Rocktacular with his Rock self walking around and doing stuff? Yes. What more can you ask? More butt shots...but it's a kid's movie, they really can't. Oh and Julie Andrews is in it! No singing, but STILL! Stop hating!


Book of Eli
Why do I never follow my instincts. Do you know what my instincts told me? Do not rent this movie! Denzel is all dusty and it's about a post apocalyptic future and gloves don't cover the fingers anymore...no good can come from this, Dawn! But nooo...Renty McWatchergirl had to see for herself. This movie is garbage. Though, I had an interesting discussion with a man on twitter who actually liked it, so I won't be as brutally dismissive of it as I would be if I didn't know there was someone whose opinion I respected that liked it. But seriously, the world goes to shit, but Jackie from That 70s show survives? And her hair looks great? Fuck outta here! Boooo.

And last, but not least

Clerks
I liked this movie a hell of a lot more than I thought I would given the suckfest that was Clerks 2. Oh my god, Alceste liked Clerks 2! Liked it! I can't even look at him any more. There was a man having sex with a donkey! AN ACTUAL FREAKING DONKEY! SMH. Anyway, Clerks was much less disgusting and retarded. It was pointless, but in a fun way and I liked the characters. The dialogue was snappy and quotable and the black and white thing wasn't even pretentiously distracting like it usually is in modern day movies. However, no matter what Alceste tries to tell you, do NOT go rent Clerks 2.

4 comments:

DuggleBogey said...

You didn't get Clerks 2 because you're not a guy.

It's the same reason I don't like Rap music. It's not made for me.

You can't understand. Get over it.

Dawn Summers said...

O_o

Julius_Goat said...

This is the comment for Dawn's post, the third comment for Dawn's post, Dawn tweeted me and told that I ought to comment. I'm almost halfway finished how do you like it so far? How do you like the comment to Dawn's post?

We're nearly to the part where I start to whistle, then we can go back and read Dawn's movie post.

Dawn Summers said...

I like that I can make Julius Goat do stuff.