Thursday, April 1, 2010

April Movie Extravaganza!

Woo! It's a new month! I can movie blog again with some semblance of dignity...a lot of crap this month, but what was awesome, was amazing, goes:

The Last House on the Left (2009)
Oh, god. OH MAN! Still shaking/screaming/crying for my mommy. I cannot impress upon you how FUCKING RIDICULOUSLY scary this movie is. I (looks over her shoulder) can't. Wes Craven may kill me. But if you like horror movies and feel like you've slept enough to last you a lifetime, I highly recommend this movie. It starts, as all good horror movies do, with teenage white girls doing extremely dumb shit. And then people get stabby. And you think...yawn, sigh, I've seen this a million times before. Nu uh. AND THEN THIS MOVIE gets good. OH MAN. Seriously. Can't sleep. Maybe if I watch it again, it'll help...cause I'll see that whole garbage disposal bit coming...mommy.

The Princess and the Frog (2009)

Dis. A. Ppointment. First off, the "first black princess" in the Disney vaults aint a princess AT ALL. She's a waitress. A waitress who waits tables AT multiple establishments, in fact. Like she sleeps in her waitress uniform for ten minutes before jumping out of bed and going to her next waitress job. So that she can get enough money to...wait for a RESTAURANT. UGH. Now, I know there aint nothing wrong with waitressing. And opening a restaurant is a laudable goal. But for a young black woman to be waitressing instead of say GOING TO FRACKING college isn't exactly the groundbreaking cinematic change I was expecting from this movie. Ugh. Sorry to get all political about a cartoon, but I felt like I'd been sold a bill of goods on that front. Now, as your regular ordinary Disney movie, it's perfectly fine. I hear little kids love it. The ending totally made me (temporarily) forget why I was so pissed about the movie. It's cute. Not groundbreaking. Cute.

Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant (2009)
This movie stars the Mr. Cellophane man from Chicago. (You know, the Stepbrothers, Dewey Cox story guy! John something or another.) It's the story of a traveling circus that comes to a small town. Two best friends go to the show and one of the boys steals a deadly spider. It then bites the other boy, so the thief returns to the circus to get the antidote to save his friend's life! If I were clear on what a Faustian bargain was, I'd claim that he makes one to save his friend's life. And of course, as no good deed goes unpunished, real bad things happen next. I liked this movie a lot! Though, I suspect this movie is just the beginning of lots of "Vampire Assistant" movies to come. Definitely give it a watch!

Extract (2009)

This movie stars Jason Bateman. This movie is horrible. Bateman is the owner of a successful extract flavor producing factory. After an accident costs one of his employees his testicles, a grifter, Jackie from That 70s show, sets her sights on the company and tries to get the ballless guy to sue for millions. Meanwhile, Bateman is in a loveless marriage and wants to have an affair with the grifter, so he hires a gigolo to sleep with his wife so he can have an affair guilt-free. All of this is supposed to be funny. It's not. Not even for a second. Oh, Ben Affleck is in it too. It's worse than Gigli. WORSE!

Sherlock Holmes (2009)

So, here's the thing. And I'm sure you never thought you'd see a Dawn Summers review which says this, but...there were too many unnecessary explosions in the movie. I know, I know. I'm scared too. It was one of my problems with the Wild Wild West Will Smith movie, some...decade(s?) ago. Look, you've made your bed and set your movie in the 19th century. Suck it up. You don't get to have 20th century pyrotechnics. Plus, Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law to a (way way way) lesser extent are strong enough actors to keep me interested without the usual bells and whistles I require. They should have trusted that. The movie is okay, but the silly booms are distracting and makes the movie feel long. Also, the actress that plays Downey's foil is dreadful. Hire a fucking grownup woman to play a grownup woman part. Sheesh.

This movie stars Lisa Kudrow...okay, not really. She's just the mom. It's about her son, who's a geeky loser whose best friend is imaginary David Bowie. He writes letters to the rock star instead of just keeping a diary like the rest of us. It's also one of those kinds of movies that pretends that Vanessa Hudgens is a geeky, awkward looking girl. Uh huh. Anyway, Bandslam is a huge end of year music battle. The geeks get together to form a band to compete against the popular kids. It's pretty formulaic, but decent. Plus, me likey Lisa Kudrow.

The Golden Child [I Love the 80's Edition] (1986)
Eddie Murphy stars in this 80s classic. I don't know why I rented this. It was okay. Murphy is a terrible actor! It isn't all that funny. Meh. If you haven't seen it by now, no need to go out of your way to find it.

Hero (2002)
Another excellent recommendation from Kat (I think)...this movie is visually stunning. I loved the fighting and the characters. I'm not sure I like the message, especially since the Chinese will become the American overlords any day now...but great visual storytelling and the women aren't annoying. Can't ask for more than that. Well, you could. But then you'd be a jerk. Are you a jerk? Okay then.

The Answer Man
This movie stars Lorelei Gilmore and the Dumb and Dumber guy that's not Jim Carrey. Ugh. It's so bad! He is a self help author whose own life is, gasp, shocker, a mess! Lorelei is a single mom whose husband walked out on her and her son. Then there's a whole thing with a used bookstore owner that I still don't understand. The self help guy tries to sell him his used books, but the bookstore guy is all "I can't afford to buy books" and so the self help guy is like "fine, just take them" and the book store guy still says no! What?! Blah. Boo! Stay away.

Is Anybody There? (2008)
Has there ever been a good movie that had a question mark in the title? If not, this movie continues that trend. The little kid from "Son of Rambow" stars with Michael Caine in this schlocky British um "comedy"? The little kid lives with his parents in the family run old folks home. He then, obviously, becomes obsessed with death and finding out what comes after. So he sits next to the recently deceased with a tape recorder. Caine is committed to the home against his will and he befriends the boy. Trust me, you've seen this movie a hundred times and this one ends the same way.

Where the Wild Things Are
Is it weird that I've never read this book? Cause if it is, then I have! (No I haven't) The reviews for this were SO BAD I was prepared for the worse...but surprisingly, I didn't get it. I didn't love this movie, but in no way was it terrible. But the little boy clearly needs psychiatric help. The monsters are also dumb looking.

An Education (2009)

This movie is absolutely wonderful. And it makes you want to speak all proper-like and say "wonderful" and "biscuits" and "out in the country." (I'll stop before further demonstrating that I haven't the faintest idea what proper speech would consist of. I mean, of which it would consist. Shut up.) It's about a 16 year old A student, whose father is pushing her hard to get into Oxford (the Yale of England, I presume.) It's the 60s and she's doing very well...for a girl. Ahem. But then she catches the eye of an older man played by Peter Sarsgaard, who totally gaslighted Jodie Foster in Flight Plan! So, in the movie you're supposed to think he's all nice and sweet, but after what he did to Jodie, I KNEW he was EVIL! Well, okay, I may be overstating his evil. But, well, teenage girl, middle age man, really? Was this gonna end well? Anyway, it's GREAT! Go see it.

Armored (2009)
Booo! BOOOO! BOOOOOOO. So the premise is that these guards hijack an armored truck full of 100 million dollars or some equally ridiculous sum, and then they have to stage a fake robbery to cover up the fact that it was an inside job.
Everything goes swimmingly until a homeless guy wanders through where they are stashing the money and the trigger happy member of the bunch shoots and kills him. Then the new guy grows a conscience and barracades himself inside the armored truck with the money while the others figure out how to smoke him out and salvage their money stealing plans. The holes in this movie are big enough to drive an armored truck through. You won't believe a single moment of this claptrap.

Chaos Theory (2007/I)

This movie is one of the last remaining Ryan Reynolds movies that I hadn't seen and he doesn't disappoint! He plays a self-help guru who lectures on efficiency and time management, but due to an unexpected run-in with a pregnant woman in labor, his life gets turned upside down and he embraces chaos theory! Like he writes down all the stuff he's ever wanted to do on various notecards and then just picks one AND DOES IT! Awesome! Ice streaking at a hockey fave.

(2009) Jake Gyllenhaal and Tobey Maguire are supposed to be brothers. Tobey is an army vet, but Jake is a paroled convict. Tobey goes on one last mission and ends up missing presumed dead. Jake fills his shoes with the wife and kids. But then Tobey comes home! Oh no! This movie could have been good, but the interesting stuff (Tobey coming home after his wife has fallen for his brother) doesn't happen till the last half hour of the movie. But you don't really care about anything else cause that's the good stuff! Blah. Boring waste of a cool premise.

Fantastic Mr. Fox
Blah. This is one of those animated movies that are cool visually and technically and whatnot, but is really best described as boring. The premise is that Mr. Fox is a daring chicken thief, but when his wife gets pregnant and asks him to get a different profession, he does. But after years as a newspaper columnist, he gets bored and wants one last score against the biggest chicken owners in the county. Blah. Plus, they make the only child out to be a selfish brat and everyone knows only children are awesome!

The Men Who Stare at Goats (2009)
Speaking of boring wastes of good movie premises...this is another Clooney vehicle where he once again makes me wonder how he has become as big a star as he is. It's about a special ops wing of the military which trains soldiers to kill with their mental minds. They train for this by staring at goats till the goat dies. It's retarded. Basically, one of them goes roque and then the secret gets out and a reporter - the pretty boy from Trainspotting - goes to Iraq to chase down the story. Instead of just being a straightforward thriller, the flick tries to be a faux documentary with flashback clips and whatnot. No bueno.

The Blind Side (2009)
I rented this movie in solidarity with Sandra Bullock leaving her stupid philandering husband! Also, I didn't hate it. Basically, she takes in a homeless black kid and he turns out to be an amazing left tackle! I also got to hear the story of Laurence Taylor ending the Redskins' quarterback career, which was awesome. (Till they get rid of their racist name, only bad things should happen to them! *Celie shrug*) I believed everyone except for the damn hell ass little white boy. Gimmee a break. Really? Michael has a coach and his dad was some big athlete, but it's the three foot tall, 40 pound kid that's gonna teach him to be a football player? Eye. Roll.

The Boys Are Back (2009)

Clive Owen is a sports writer who lives in Australia with his second wife and five year old son. She dies suddenly of cancer and he has to learn to raise his son all on his own! However will he manage the boy AND the house cleaning??!? I will say that as much as I hate how women are often portrayed in movies, I also hate the portrayal of men as slobs who are incapable of lighting a stove or washing a dish. This movie has that stereotype in droves! Oh, AND THEN we find out that mister Owen, left his first wife with a 7 year old son because he knocked up the woman that would become his second wife. (Made me feel a whole lot less bad about her cancer death, let me tell you.) Anyway, the older boy, whose mom is also in a new relationship and about to have a new kid moves to Australia with his dad and half brother. Meh. It's okay. Like, if you're on a plane and this is one of the choices, you maybe should pick it.

Food, Inc. (2008)
I boldly declared I wasn't going to eat again. But then I got hungry and ate a cookie. That cookie led to another cookie and then spaghetti and meatballs. It was a whole slippery slope. But this movie is a well done "expose" on the food industry and how we're all gonna die from the roided up chickens and cows we eat. And also how our government is in the pockets of the food industry and that's why we'll never know the truth about what we're eating. Which, in my government's defense, I really didn't want to know in the first place. So, screw you producers of Food Inc! Jerks. I hope Obama throws your asses in prison. Now, where are my cookies?

Did You Hear About the Morgans?
[Blu-ray] (2009)

Again, I ask, has a good movie ever had a question mark in its title? This movie, yet more fodder for the "nope. never" camp. So, Hugh Grant and Sarah Jessica Parker are an estranged couple thrown together in witness protection after seeing a murder. The "New Yorkers" are holed up on a farm in Wisconsin. And then Hijinks were supposed to ensue. I like to say this movie is just like City Slickers...except not funny and will never be mentioned again in six months. So, I guess it's more like City Slickers 2.

The Twilight Saga: New Moon [Special Edition]
I haven't read the books, I'm not a huge crazy Twilight person, but I will watch just about anything. As you already know. This movie falls squarely in the category of "anything." So the dates a vampire, but she's human and fears growing old, so she begs him to change her into a vampire. He says no. Then runs away. She goes crazy and suicidal and dates a werewolf. Well, not date, just friends. And she didn't know he was a werewolf. He does not wear shirts very often. Um. And then they end up in Italy driving a hot sports car.

The Grand (2007)
Someone at a poker table in Atlantic City recommended this movie to me. It aint bad. It's basically like the story of Binion's where the next generation kinda fucks up the casino the older generation built. In this case, Woody Harrelson tries to win the big "Binion's" tournament so he can get enough money to save his casino. He is met with competition from "Howard Lederer" and "Annie Duke" (can't remember their movie names, but they're brother and sister) Plus, a nerdy math geek played by Doctor Spaceman from 30 Rock. If you like poker, you'll like this movie. If you don't like're a freak. Are you a freak?

Shorts [WS/P&S] (2009)

Okay, when I tell you I was surprised that this movie was a series of short films, clumped together in one 90 minute package, you will point at the title and wonder why. But hey, "shorts" can mean LOTS of things! Little people. Pants. Um. Some other stuff too probably. Shut up. Anyway, I actual thought this was a GREAT kids movie. So many of the movies packaged for kids are little more than flatulence jokes and sexually inappropriate dialogue -- this movie felt more like the movies we had when I was a kid. Like Flubber and that other movie with the shaggy dog. It's a feel good, for the whole family movie, that isn't totally retarded.

Possession [Blu-ray] (2007)
I have seen ever Sarah Michelle Gellar movie. And with the exception of Grudge, Scream and I know what you did last summer, they have ALL BEEN WRETCHED. I prayed and prayed to the God above that this movie would not suck. And my prayers were WAY answered!! She is the wife of a man who is letting his drug addict, parolee brother stay with them. She has finally had enough of the creepy brother and tells her husband it's time to kick him out. The brother overhears and takes off, the brother takes after him and they end up in a fiery car crash on a rainy road and they both end up in comas. (Ha, I almost spelled that commas. I'm funny.) The brother wakes up, but he has her husband's memory! OMG! Does she dare build a life with a man with a face she despises, but the insides of the love of her life? Oh, she dareth! Great flick, great twists. Delicious!

Dolan's Cadillac (2009)

This movie was so bad that while I was watching it, I was forgetting what it was about. The box makes it seem like Christian Slater is the devil or some other kind of immortal being who patrols the desert highways in a magical cadillac. Nope. He's just a creepy skin pedeller who trafficks women across the border for ilicit deeds. The protagnist is a loser whose wife saw Dolan doing his dirty business and gets killed for her troubles. The loser wants revenge. Dolan is all "ha, do you know who I am?" Loser is all "I'll get you yet gadget." Seriously, no reason to ever see this movie...unless Christian Slater is holding your teenage daughter hostage and this is the ransom demand. And even then...think long and can always get another daughter.
Murderous Maids (2000)
This movie is in French. They don't tell you that right away. Also, the murdering doesnt happen till the last 15 minutes of the movie. So, you'll spend an hour and a half adrift in a sea of French maids tapping your foot and waiting for some murdering. So, unless that's your thing...

The Marine [WS] [Unrated] (2006)
THIS MOVIE IS AWESOME!!!! DUUUDE! Stuff is blowing up right away and the action doesn't stop! After he single-handedly rescues his whole unit from those Iraqi bastards, he then is kicked out of the Marines cause he didn't wait for orders. ("If I wait, those men die!" THEY DIE!!!!!!) Then he becomes a security guard but he throws these men who start smarting off to him THROUGH a plate glass window and loses his job! Just as he's all between jobs trying to figure out what to do next, these jewel theives KIDNAP his WIFE!!! Aww, hell NO. This will NOT stand. HE'S A MARINE. Natch...THE MARINE! Holla! Nonstop action, no dialogue, shirtless hot guy. Need I say more?

Farce of the Pengiuns (2007)
This is like how they make those comedy spoofs of scary movies. Except this is a comedy spoof of the March of the Penguins. Starring penguins with actor voice over. Tracey Morgan made me laugh, as did Samuel L. Jackson. But all in all it's a dumb dumb movie. But I did laugh.


PetiteDov said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
PetiteDov said...

Agreed with you about Sherlock Holmes, too many fights scenes, too many explosions.

You are (sort of) dead to me after the review of Mr. Fox. It was so good. All the little asides, the quirkiness of the characters, the freakin animation. Ugh. How could you think it's boring? It's better than Up, that's for sure.

Dawn Summers said...

"Better than Up" dude talk about setting the bar waaaayyyy low. The dialogue was TOO flip in Mr. Fox. He loses his tail and he's just "yeah, it can't be regrown or reattached. No tail for me. Pass the peas." Boo Where's the heart? The feeling? That's the stuff that makes quirky and flip work.

madbrooklyn said...

Fav character in The Grand - the German, played wonderfully by Werner Herzog. Man I love me some Werner Herzog!

Dawn Summers said...

Yes! I loved that character! Bogus how he gets caught in the end though.

PetiteDov said...

Duuuuude, there was a whole scene where his SON goes to get the tail. I loved the dialogue and the interaction b/w the son and the cousin. So awesome. #pout

Dawn Summers said...

And why does his cousin have to be so good at anything?

Dawn Summers said...

Everything, I mean.