Thursday, March 11, 2010

Judge NOT! Lest you be judged.

Ok, a woman with any semblance of dignity or self-respect would NOT be posting a review of fifteen movies, less than two weeks, after her last post reviewing about a dozen movies. Such a woman would pretend to have friends or interests or, a job. Lucky for you guys, I have none of these things! What I do have is a Blockbuster membership, bitches!

12 Rounds
I was in an explosion mood this day. This was the first of a bunch of gratutious violence movies I rented and it hit the spot. The Marine is a New Orleans cop, he catches a super bad terrorist for the feds, but when superbad escapes, he comes looking for REVENGE! He kidnaps the Marine's girlfriend and orchestrates a title match to get the girl back alive! Guess how many rounds there are? Go on. Guess! It's silly fun.

The Surrogates

This movie? Not at all what I thought. Apparently, in the future we all get avatar suits, but they're human shaped, and not blue. All "isms" are eradicated because everyone just gets a hot size 2 white, blond avatar. Badabing! And then something goes terribly wrong! What? No way! People start dying back in their pods when their avatars die in real life! Bruce Willis has to stop being plugged in and start being real as he tracks down the killer AND repairs his broken marriage. It's decent.

Crank

I saw this on Kat's observation that Stratham was hot. Grin. Gotta say Crank is bloody brilliant! He chops a guys arm off! And then snaps a dude's neck in midair...OH and drives a car up the mall escalator! Dude!! DUDE!

Crank 2
FUCK YOU, CHELIOS!

ExIsTEnZ

Sorry, I couldn't remember which letters were capitalized. "Death to the bloggess Dawn Summers!" So, this movie stars Jude Law and the woman who is NOT the woman in Weeds. It's a Sci/Fi flick about reality videogaming through back sex and spinal cord injury. There's a whole meta meta storyline about where the game begins and reality ends. But basically, it's about back sex.

2012

This movie is the single greatest film of the 21st century. You know, what? OF ALL TIME. Big up to Kanye. The premise is that the sun's neutrinos have heated up the core of the Earth to such an extent that it's evaporating and the Earth's crust is collapsing in on itself. It stars Amanda Peete and John Cusak. Also Woody Harrelson and a bunch of kids. But never mind all that: things explode, crash, drown, freeze and melt so fast and so often, you will STAY on the edge of your seat! You NEVER know what's gonna happen or who will live or die. When the bad guy turns bad, you don't even see it coming! Dude, the movie is incredible! It's like 3 hours long and I watched it twice. (Shit, not helping with shame that I have not only seen all these movies, but the three hour one, twice.)

Moon

Okay, here's the problem: as I was watching Moon, I was all "wow! This movie is AWESOME, holy crap! I can't wait to write a review about for film chaw!" (Um...shut up!) And then the very next movie I saw was 2012. Twice. So, um...I don't exactly remember Moon so much... Okay, but 2012, Oh MY GOD! I didn't even mind the little blond children who typically annoy and frustrate. Sorry...Moon...um...it's set on the Moon. It's about an astronaut working for a private company that is mining the moon for something mineable. He discovers a terrible secret. And Kevin Spacey plays a talking robot. I really did like it. It just got unfortunate positioning in my movie watching order.

Motherhood

Who stole Uma Thurman's money? WHY is she making these kinds of movies? IT'S HORRIBLE! Poorly acted, written, directed, the sets sucked. Boooo. Two toes down!! It's about the "frazzled" stay at home mom of two children, who has to throw a birthday party for a 6 year old AND write a 500 word essay for a contest about what motherhood means to her. Oh MY GOSH! However will she manage? Fuck outta here. I spent the whole movie hoping Uma would be killed. Like when she takes a rickety bike to the party supply store instead of a cab. Please get hit by a car! When she all playing music for hot Indian delivery guy? Please have an affair with him, so your husband comes home, finds you and shoots you both! But nope. She lives. The only funny part was how little girls end up with old lady names because the moms name them after their favorite grandma. You're welcome. Now do something else with that 88 minutes. Like watch the first 88 minutes of 2012.

My Life as a House

No clue how this movie...oh, yes I do! I went through a Kristin Scott Thomas phase where I wanted to see all her movies...meh. Kevin Kline and young Anakin are in it. It's basically a Lifetime movie of the week about a terminally ill dad who decides to reconnect with his estranged son by renovating their old house. The lesson was "Stop and smell the roses"...no, tell the people you love that you love them!

Zero Day

A mockumentary about two Columbine style teen killers with plans to shoot up their high school on "zero day." The first day when the temperature in their town is zero degrees. Disturbing. Especially when you think it's real for the first hour.

Stepfather

This movie is such a predictable formulaic "horror" movie, that it's laughable. Sela Ward, the Nip/Tuck guy and the Gossip Girl boy come together for this cheesy stabfest. I mean, so cheesy that people get repeatedly stabbed but there's never any blood! Oh, it also reaffirms the old movie adage that you should never criticize your best friend's boyfriend because you're either totally wrong or you end up drowned in your own pool.

Gamer

Is it me or is Gerard Butler in EVERYTHING these days? Oh, he's in this too. Apparently Dexter has invented a reality game called "slayer" where gamers get to control their avatars in a battle of the death! The twist? Avatars are real life death row inmates whose only chance at freedom is to win 30 straight Slayer matches! The movie opens with gerard butler at 28 wins! Will he survive? Watch to find out! (He survives. Shh)

Planet 51

Animated movies are so hit or miss. This one is a miss. It's set 20000 years in the future, but we're so far in the future it's the 1950s again. Meh. Oh, plot is an Earth astronaut goes to claim the planet in the name of America, but discovers the alien inhabitants. But to them, *he's* the alien! Did I say meh, already?

Cold Souls
Arrgghh. I avoided this movie for months! I KNEW it would be bad! But I watch so many damn films, eventually, you just pick the one you haven't seen yet. Plus, the New York Times said it was "laugh out loud funny"! The New York Times is a damn hell ass lying liar that LIES! Fuckers. The premise to this movie is that Paul Giamatti (for real, he plays himself, I'm not just being lazy) puts his soul in storage so he can be less depressed while playing Uncle Vanya. Then the company loses his soul. So he flies to Russia to get it back. Yawn.


Love Happens

You see how the title of this movie sounds like that popular phrase "shit happens"? Yeah, that. Someday I wanna do a filmshaw meme about "scenes all really shitty movies have in them" - Love Happens will be my template.

Good Hair

Chris Rock pulls a Tyler Perry. Ok, ok, it wasn't THAT bad and I learned a lot about the hair weave industry. But I do find it curious that he only shames black women and not the many white women, and possibly Fabio, who also follicly enhance. Some of it is funny, most is horrifying.

Capitalism: A Love Story

Or something like that. Michael Moore is back being Michael Moore in this documentary polemic against Capitalism. There are lots of shots of assembly line workers and sad foreclosed homeowners. I assume that if you hate Michael Moore, you'll hate it. If you love Michael Moore, you love it. I think it's better than his healthcare one, though as an African-American is tough for me to co-sign his "bring back the way things were in the 50s"! Sorry, Dawg: I like voting. And education. And the not getting lynched.

Precious: the sad story of a really fat black girl pushed by Sapphire

Or something. So, I broke my Tyler Perry boycott because I also have an Oprah obedience chip. Fortunately, Oprah is the woman for a reason! None of Tyler Perry's typical woman hating appears in this film: though Monique is straight up batshit crazy! I was a little worried about this movie because when I clicked it "The Blind Side" and "Dangerous Minds" came up as "if you like this movie you should see suggestions." You know how I feel about white people save, black children movies, right? But in Precious: we have Mariah Carey and Alicia Keys saving Precious! And together they so make a "one black person"! Premise: Girl has the saddest most miserable life ever, then she has her second baby by her daddy at 16. And she can't read. Oh, also, Alicia Keys is a lesbian. Monique WAY earned that Oscar.

13 comments:

madbrooklyn said...

Top of my Netflix pile is Anvil:The Story of Anvil which I'm sure you will never watch! Soon there will be a non-Dawn Summers review on Filmchaw!

; )

Dawn Summers said...

Or as I now refer to it "Filmchawn" Take that, Julius Goat! Send me a vampire pony, will you? Hmph.

Julius_Goat said...

OK, Summers. It's on.

Dawn Summers said...

Hahaha...incidentally, I pay $20 a month for my blockbuster membership...at this pace how much will my per movie costs be? Round to the nearest dime!

PetiteDov said...

"You know how I feel about white people save, black children movies, right? But in Precious: we have Mariah Carey and Alicia Keys saving Precious! And together they so make a "one black person"!"

Hahaha! That line Mmade me want to see Precious for the first time.

Dawn Summers said...

Liar! It was the "Alicia Keys is a lesbian" line. #perv

PetiteDov said...

Wait are you secretly calling me a racist, because I would want to see a movie b/c it's pervy but not b/c of the funny line about race?

Sidenote, I think people who have one black parent tend to try to prove that they are "black" somehow. Annoys me.

Astin said...

Doesn't it also make one white person?

Only movie I've seen on that list is Moon. It was a good movie.

OhCaptain said...

12 Rounds. You lose IQ point while watching it. It was almost as good as They Live.

Dawn Summers said...

Astin: What did I tell you about math and wrinkles?

OhCaptain: Too late.

BWoP said...

tl;dr

. . . except your review of Precious. I definitely want to see it.

Gib said...

You know how I feel about white people save, black children movies, right?

So, you were totally rooting against Jason in the hair care battle royal thing in "Good Hair?"

And there's no blood in "Stepfather?" WTF? If we ever chuck the first amendment, the first form of expression under the bus is the PG-13 horror movie.

BWoP said...

Okay, I finally got around to watching Precious. It was sad. How sad? Picture Dawn Summers' face if you told her that the only way she could ever meet Tom Brady and Zac Efron was if she ate 10 Reese's peanut butter cups while playing with 14 cats . . . and if she didn't do that, both would spontaneously combust.

Sad, I'm telling you. Really sad.

Panda ain't got nothin' on Precious.