Friday, January 22, 2010

100 Cheesiest Lines In Movie History

Via the good folks at Pajiba, this is a pretty excellent montage, and I know my wife will appreciate that they lead in with what she considers perhaps the cheesiest line of all time.

Plenty of rated R language. Adjust headsets accordingly.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Owned But Unseen

Have you ever seen one of those shows about hoarders? People who just keep accumulating things they never use and can't get rid of? I'm kind of like that with movies.

The first comment a lot of people have when they see my collection is "wow, that's a lot of movies." It's not monumental, at only around 330 or so, but it's large enough to get noticed. The second reaction is "wait, you haven't seen these?" when they see the number of shrink-wrapped DVDs in that collection. Not to mention the laser discs that looked well-loved because they were bought used.

How many? I have at least 30-40 films that I own but have never seen in any form. I likely have more that I own but have never seen in DVD/Blu-Ray, but loved in the theatre.

It's a list that keeps growing, and includes a few that get people saying "Really? You've NEVER seen that?" The Killer (Criterion laserdisc), a swath of cinema classics, including a bunch of Kurosawas that haven't been cracked open, and crawling their way over the US-Canada border? Moon and District 9.

Yet I have 3 or 4 copies of Army of Darkness that have all been watched.

Oh, and a few borrowed movies from a friend whose collection surpasses mine -- but she's actually seen most of hers.

So what's my point? I need to plunk my ass down on my big comfy couch and start watching these things. I mean, I've heard good things about that Coppola gangster movie trilogy. And it's not like The Hidden Fortress, Yojimbo, Ran, The Seven Samurai, Throne of Blood, Ikiru, and Rashomon are going to watch themselves. Nor is the Lost Skeleton of Cadavra, Dog Soldiers, or the Alien Quadrilogy (yah, I haven't actually watched those all the way through either). Come to think of it, the Shining and most of Mel Brooks' filmography are sitting on a shelf unwatched as well. Is Blazing Saddles any good? Anybody seen that movie M*A*S*H? It's by some guy named Altman...

Let's not talk about the... oh... half a dozen TV series that are taking up space beside them.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Two weeks of movie watching in the Summers household

So you know that "let's all go to the movies" song? That they play sometimes...somewhere? I kinda rewrote it: Let's all go to the movies...and by go, I mean stay in and watch them on your DVD player. You're welcome.

*Clears throat*

So stuff I've seen lately:

The Visitor (2007)

Stars the dead dad from Six Feet Under. I don't know what attracted me to this movie. I generally abhor the "oh thank you white people for helping the lowly minorities" genre of films. See: Side, Blind The. Yet, here we are. This movie is about an immigrant couple living in Manhattan, when the real owner of the apartment returns from Connecticut to find them there. Now, instead of calling the police or throwing them out, he decides to share his home with the Syrian/Nigerian couple. Man, white people are so awesome and generous. In return, the Syrian guy teaches the white man how to drum. The Nigerian woman remains distant and distrustful. She must not have seen all the Sandra Bullock commercials. The movie is okay. Pretty typical montages of teach me your culture, I'll teach you mine stuff, until poor Syrian guy gets nabbed by the police and detained for immigration violations. Then it just gets super dumb. Dead father from Six Feet Under runs around all "this isn't how we do stuff in America!" Then Syrian guy's mom comes and then they don't date. Snooze. This is one visitor that you should not welcome.

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs (2009)
I LOVED this movie. This movie spits in Up's face and tap dances all over Monsters vs. Aliens' grave! It's about an aspiring inventor in a small dying town. After a series of hilarious inventing disasters, ratbirds!, he invents a machine that will turn water into food! Any kind of food at all! You tell him what you want, he punches it in and stringed instrument! Food falls from the sky like manna from heaven. The invention single-handedly puts the dying town back on the map and tourists flock. And as nothing good ever comes from unlimited falling food and tourists... Also, this movie has the best portrayal of a black family that I have seen in any movie ever. EVER! Go see it. Right now!

Post Grad (2009)

Stars Rory from Gilmore Girls and the back-up quarterback kid from Friday Night Lights. Oh, and also, Beetlejuice. (Dare you not to say that three times out loud at a graveyard.) This movie is meh. I rented it because I didn't think it was going to be an unrequited love romantic comedy. I was wrong. And worse, it's not even a good unrequited love romantic comedy. Carrol Burnett is funny though as the morbid grandma.

Staten Island (2009)

This movie opens with a hilarious bit about how Staten Island is the forgotten borough. Overshadowed by Manhattan and the immensely cooler Brooklyn. Okay, I may have added that part. But then it transitions into a weird faux documentary about a gangster who wants to be famous - first through his attempt to break the underwater breath holding record, then by becoming the biggest Staten Island gangleader. Then it becomes a documentary about a plumber who wants to have a genetically engineered super baby who will cure cancer. This leads him to steal money from aforementioned gangster. And finally, there's a segment about a deaf butcher who the gangster uses to cut up bodies after he them from people into bodies. I don't think it's much of a spoiler to say...yeah, so you know where this is going. The movie is engaging. Weird, but engaging.

Maiden Heist (2009)
This movie is weird and not engaging. It stars some of my favorite actors: Marcia Gay Harden, Christopher Walken, Morgan Freeman, that short little old guy from Fargo... But it's just too crappy a premise to actually work. These men (Harden is married to one of them) are security guards in a museum and when the museum is sold and their fvorite exhibits slated to be shipped to Denmark, they hatch a plan to steal the art. It's supposed to be funny, I think. But it just isn't.

The Accidental Husband (2007)

Can I tell you, I have been trying to see this movie for TWO years! I love Jeff Dean Morgan and Uma Thurman and Colin Firth! I was going to see this movie IN A THEATER is how much I love them. And altogether? HOT DAMN! And then...the production company went bankrupt and the release was delayed and then canceled altogether until the estate was settled like last week. I think I was the first person to grab this movie off the shelves! And, I want to say it was worth the wait. I want to. But I cannot. Well, I could, but then you will all call me a damn hell ass liar and ride me out of town with pitchforks and fire. Or is that just for Frankenstein's monster? Anyhoo. Thurman plays a relationship expert who is engaged to her publisher Firth. Morgan's fiancee reads Thurman's book and cancels the wedding. Morgan is mad, so gets his little nerd friend to break into the City Hall marriage records and marry him to Thurman in the system. So, she has to go to Queens to find her "accidental husband" get an annulment in order to clear the way for her to marry Firth in a month. But OMG you will NEVER believe what happens! Eyeroll. Everybody involved in this movie, owes me a dollar. EVERYBODY.

My Sister's Keeper (2009)
You will not make me cry miss Cameron Diaz and your desperate bid to keep your teenage daughter from dying of cancer! You will not with your shaving your head, so she doesn't feel self conscious about going to the beach. Oh, and nice try with having another daughter who is a genetic match to donate parts to her sister to prolong the sick girl's life. Uh uh and I don't care if Joan Cusack's 12 year old daughter was killed by a drunk driver and now she has to preside over the case when the younger sister of the cancer girl decides she doesn't want to donate a kidney to her dying sister. Excuse me. *Grabs Kleenex* Yeah, so, nice try all of you. I will not cry!

Kung Fu Hustle [WS] (2004)

I forget who put this on their list of best movies from the aughts. But it was terrific. A billion times better than Crouching Tiger Boring Dragon. And more believeable. And there's dancering AND AXING, like AT THE SAME TIME, so more need be said.

Brick (2005)
Good gravy, I've been watching a lot of movies with that stupid Third Rock from the Sun kid. Um. I didn't really like this movie. It feels all Shakespearean, but set in modern day, but without any of the drama of Shakespeare. The 3rd Rock kid finds the body of his ex girlfriend and concocts a revenge/whodunit plot. I think he succeeds...but who knows. It was boring. I didn't care. Oh, I did have one favorite part. The movie is about high school kids, but they're behaving in very adult ways, what with the murder and the drug dealing. My favorite part was when they're having this huge pow-wow about the gang and the missing drugs and then the kingpin's mom walks in and offers everyone milk. And they drink it. Heh.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)

Honestly, I was fixing to hate this movie. The reviews were bad, I didn't like the first one and I don't particularly care for the lead actor with his killing my Indiana Jones franchise mojo. But in the end, hey, I didn't hate this movie at all. The first hour is dumb as hell, there aren't nearly enough actual robot on robot battles, but it finishes strong, there are enough special effects to amuse, and I didn't vomit even once.

G-Force (2009)
This movie is terrible. It is NOT for kids. It is NOT for adults. It might be for hamsters, but I don't know any hamsters, so I can't test out that theory. It's stereotypical -- thanks a lot Tracy Morgan; it's sexist -- oh, girl hamsters are such teases -- and it's just all around AWFUL. HORRIBLE. TERRIBLE. BAD. VOMITOUS. STINKY. Ok, I'll stop now. DREADFUL.

District 9 (2009)
I had no idea what to expect from this movie, except that one of my favorite twitterers (tweeters?) said it sucked and not to waste money on it in the theaters. When I checked it out at Blockbuster, the clerk guy said "you're gonna love it. It starts slow, but then it's great." He was 1/3 right. So, the premise. A spaceship breaksdown outside of South Africa and these aliens are in for the worst road trip ever. The aliens are evacuated out and put in concentration camps...apparently, our atmosphere was no problem for them. The camps turn into a slum and the aliens attack and kill humans for our cat food. (Personally, I think the cat's were responsible for those crimes.) After 20 years, the South Africans decide they want the concentration camps to become more concentrated. They appoint a dude to oversee the removal. This man's name is Wikus. He then unwittingly uncovers an alien plot to escape, gets tragically injured and spends the rest of the movie both running from the aliens and the South Africans. The movie totally starts slow. It continues slow. Then way at the end there's excitement and then it ends slow. That said, the end saves the whole movie. Some have speculated that the end opens the door for a sequel. I hope so. I think District 92 would be way better than the first one. More actiony. More lasers blowing stuff up and less oppressive asshole soldiers shooting people in the chest.

(500) Days of Summer (2009)
You should know, up front, this isn't a love story. But hey! It's the kid from Third Rock from the Sun again! I loved him in this. Frankly, I also loved Zooey. This would be quite possibly the perfect movie. If they had just ended it six minutes earlier. God, I hate when Hollywood chickens out and tries to tack on a feelgood ending. So, the movie is about this guy who is all wussified and lame, and this totally hot confident girl. He decides she is the one for him. Somehow, they end up dating. Except she's all "let's not tell anyone...or call it dating...or be seen together at any time." But he's all "but I love you." And then some stuff happens. And it's funny, and sweet and there's even a kid in it with blond hair who I didn't want to stab in the face. Such a good movie. And then the last six minutes. Vomit. Seriously, just shut your DVD player off. Incidentally, something I used to do to my little cousin with her Disney movies. I don't think she's ever seen the end of the Little Mermaid.

The Ugly Truth (2009)

Somewhere into minute 15 of this movie I tweeted "this movie is a waste of *my* talents. And I don't have any talents." I stand by that. Dammit. I feel like I wasted all my synonyms for awfulness on that G-Force movie and now I've got nothing left for this. Although, the title kinda writes its own review: The Ugly Truth is ugly. That's the truth. Done and done. Oh, um premise: relationship expert tells men to be men and women to be girls, upsetting his Katherine Heigl producer until he convinces her to try out his way on a hot doctor who has moved next door to her. She does! The doctor completely falls for her! But oh no! Could she be falling for her macho teacher relationship expert guy instead? Yes, yes she could. Blah.

Drag Me to Hell (2009)
I am a huge proponent of justice and revenge. Huge. You don't even wanna know. I didn't know anything about this movie, but let me tell you, it pissed me off SO BAD that I went on life tilt for like 8 hours. I think it's a really good flick. It's opening scene really set the stage for me to love this movie. Plus, it's Sam Raimi. Honestly, I don't want to ruin anything about this movie about gypsy curses and payback. But let's just say, if the posters for this movie didn't say "payback's a bitch" somebody in the marketing department failed. Big Time. Go see it, I want to rant about it to someone without ruining a lot of the good stuff. If you have already seen it. COMMENT.

Ice Age 3: Dawn of the Dinosaurs (2009)

This movie was GREAT. Probably the best of the Ice Age movies. Even though it puts Alceste on tilt because it has Ray Romano walking around at the same time as Dinosaurs. However, IT IS NOT FOR CHILDREN. This fricking movie get MAD scary! Dinosaur babies are almost killed, a T-Rex tries to eat people, there a crazy like talks to himself and is married to a pineapple weasel thing with a knife. Dude. I was freaked! And then I was all "oh...cartoon. cartoon cartoon cartoon." But it was fun! I liked it a lot.

The Hangover [Rated/Unrated] (2009)
I didn't think this movie was all that funny. Abandoned babies, severe sun burn and missing teeth just don't do it for me. Naked guy in the trunk, on the other hand, hilarious. I figure most people who were gonna, have already seen this thing, and those that are still gonna are still gonna. So, I won't say too much more about this flick. Meh.

Inglorious Basterds (2009)

I thought this movie was GREAT! It's not at all what I thought it would be, but hot damn! It was violent, funny, sad. And the ending is TOTALLY a surprise. Well, not the very very end, I saw that coming a mile away, but the big picture ending! Um...premise? The Basterds are like the WWII A-team. If they're around and if you can find them, they'll scalp you some Nazis. So good. Like vintage Tarantino without him ruining it by casting himself in the movie. Although Mike Myers kinda serves that role. Why with that scene? Why?

Public Enemies (2009)

Um. Dear Johnny Depp, After the royal screw job of Pirates 3, this is NOT the way to regain my trust and admiration. The movie is pretty, but BOR-ING. And who wants to see American Psycho get the drop on Jack Sparrow? Nobody! That's who! Boo. BOO. BOOOOOOOO. Love, Dawn

Changeling (2008)
I don't know how this movie doesn't have more buzz about it. This is Jolie's finest performance bar none...ok, bar one, Mr. & Mrs. Smith was the shizznit. The movie is about her son who gets kidnapped and then like three years later, the feds bring him home. Except, he's three inches shorter than when he left, doesn't look like her son and doesn't know any of the things her son knew. So, rightly, she takes the kid back and is all "that's not my son." But they're all about solving crimes, so they say "look lady. You were missing a boy. We have given you a boy. Now get the hell home before we look you up as a psych case." She does not get the hell home. She befriends the other ladies in the crazy house and they fight for reforms for the crazies. They even end up solving a serial murder case. All in a day's work for Angelina!

Fame (2009)
For a franchise whose theme song infectiously repeats the word "remember remember remember," oh boy was it easy to forget. I saw this flick less than 24 hours ago and all I remember is that it was called Fame. Oh, and Megan Mullaly sings in it. The kids are blah, the storylines are "been there, done that" ripoffs of like Degrassi Junior High. For a movie about young talents, the cast was suprisingly mediocre and forgettable. Blech.

Adam (2009)
Um. This was a mistake. As I watched the trailer and felt myself getting sucked into the story about a young woman new to the neighborhood finding herself falling for an awkward shutin with Aspberger's, I knew it would be a mistake to rent this movie. I do not know why I didn't listen to myself. So have you heard of romantic comedies? This was an unromantic drama. It was weird and uncomfortable is very very bad ways for a movie.

Year One (2009)
This movie wasn't terrible. Although, I think it will be my last Michael Cera flicks. I can't take him with his stammering. So basically, Jack Black is Jack Black-y and Michael Cera is Michael Cera-y and they have adventures through the bible. Cain slaying Abel has never been so amusing! "What am I continuing to do?" It's funny in parts, adolescent gross-out in parts. But all in all. Not awful.