Saturday, December 5, 2009

Flu plus Netflix subscription equals Film Chaw posting again!

I was felled by the flu a couple of weeks ago. So, naturally, I did what I always do in times of immobility and suffering, I watch lots and lots of movies.
Bad movies.
Bad. Gracie suggested that I sign up for Netflix so I could just stream movies straight to my computer.
Okay.
Sounds like a plan. The first movie I chose was:

The Passengers (2008) With Anne Hathaway, Patrick Wilson, Andre Braugher.
Fine, FINE, I ADMIT IT. I LIKE ANNE HATHAWAY! Enough with the torture. Please put down the waterboard. I have suffered enough. Mostly thanks to watching "The Passengers." This movie is dark. Seriously. Filmed in somebody's basement dark. Oh, also it's about a plane crash, so the subject matter is dark too. Here's the problem. There is too much "acting" required for this movie to work...particular with Anne Hathaway at the helm. She's more of a quirky physical comedy Princess Diaries/Bride Wars mishaps, pratfalls, love story kind of "actress." Get Smart is pretty much as far as she should ever go in a "serious" role direction. (Yup, hated that Rachel wedding movie. Poop.) So here she's a therapist charged with helping the survivors of a plane crash come to grips with their lives as plane crash victims. She then finds herself fighting with the creepy airline guy and then ON TOP of all that her patients start disappearing! Oh no! See what I did there? I made this movie sound exciting. Made you care. Worry even! Except it's not, you won't and you shouldn't. And then there's a whole twist at the end that just points and laughs at you for having sat there watching for two hours. Save yourself. It's too late for me.

After that mess of a movie, I decided to go in a daring exciting mysterious direction: Sci Fi! I picked a movie about time travel. I have this whole fantasy about time travel where I go back in time and help the Patriots win Superbowl 42. Or place a really big bet on the Giants. I go back and forth.

Primer (2004) starring and directed by Shane Carruth

I fell asleep after ten minutes. When I woke up, I put on the movie:

The Nines (2007) Directed by John August. With Ryan Reynolds, Melissa McCarthy, Hope Davis.

Yes, yes, I like Ryan Reynolds. I don't know how or when it happened, but I swear I used to mock him as the two guys, a girl and a pizza place guy and now...somehow I've seen all his movies. Go figure. But I hadn't seen this one. This movie is weird. But good weird. It's set up like Pulp Fiction, in that it has three, non consecutive stories that all come together in the end. Sort of. The first story is of a Hollywood actor (Reynolds) who goes out of control, with the drinking and driving and crack smoking, until he's put on house arrest. Hope Davis is the strange neighbor who tries to seduce him into breaking house arrest, while Melissa McCarthy is the funny tough-as-nails agent who tries to keep him on the straight and narrow. Or at the very least house arrest compliant. She loses the battle and he bolts from the house...the next story is of a TV writer (Reynolds) who designs a show for Melissa McCarthy - she plays herself as the Gilmore Girls star that she actually is in real life. Here, Hope Davis is a producer trying to get him to ditch the plump McCarthy for a thinner, more Hollywood pretty actress. Again, Davis wins the battle, but things don't quite work out for the writer... The last tale is of a husband (Reynolds) and his wife McCarthy and their little deaf daughter (the little sister of that famous little blond girl that's in everything). They are lost in the woods, the husband goes for help and he encounters...HOPE DAVIS! Crazy! Look, I said it was weird. But good weird.

So as I am streaming and watching the movies, I am also tweeting my Netflix adventure. When I come back from the Nines, I see all these messages mocking me for not finishing Primer and insinuating that I wasn't smart enough to understand it!
How. DARE. THEY?!!
This is where I should mention that I almost drowned when I was 7 cause some boy said boys were better swimmers than girls, and while I couldn't swim, I also couldn't let that stand. So I accepted the challenge, figuring I would run really fast along the bottom of the pool and beat him. Lifeguards fished me out about 6 minutes later as I gasped for air in the middle of the pool. Long story short I put back on that damn Primer movie! Ha! Doubt my intellectual prowess will you?

Primer (2004) starring and directed by Shane Carruth (Take Two)

So this movie is about four techie guys who sit around around trying to come up with a money making invention. One day, two of the four realize that some crap they invented for some other purpose would actually work to send them back in time! Huzzah. Then they proceed to do the most boring things ever done with the power to time travel in the history of stories about time travel. I'm NOT EVEN exaggerating A LITTLE. They do some stock market scam for a few thousand dollars, then decide it's wrong, so they try to go back in time to stop themselves from going back in time. Or at least that's one guy's plan, so the other guy has to go back in time to stop that guy from stopping them from going back in time. Dude. Kill me. This movie is horrible and dumb and like agreeing to a swim race when you can't swim, it will only end with your body floating in a pool. Or something. You want to watch a good movie about time travel? Two words: Back to the Future. (Shut up, everyone knows "to" and "the" don't count as words.)

2 comments:

PetiteDov said...

Thanks for watching Primer for me. I used to feel pity for Reynolds dude. Not so much. He is a terrible actor with like 3 expressions, and truelly annoying. He was annoying when he was engaged to Alanis Morsette and now he is even TWICE as annoying after marrying Scarlet Johansen. Now I want to shoot myself for knowing that crap. Anyhoo, moral of this comment Anne Hathaway sucks!

The Ink said...

Rachel Getting Married.

If you REALLY wanna appreciate Anne Hathaway...Rachel Getting Married.


Andre Braugher should have a bunch of Emmys...but he only has two.