Thursday, December 31, 2009

Favs of the 00's

I've created a pictorial list of my favourite films of the decade.


Thursday, December 24, 2009

1 Year, 342 Movies, 12 Months of Production, 7 Minutes.

jumpin' on the bandwagon

Since all the cool kids are doing it, I thought I'd throw up my favourite movies of the decade. In absolutely no order at all:
  • Hero (2002) - stunningly beautiful with the added bonus of Jet Li and some pretty nifty martial arts choreography
  • The Kill Bills - just plain fun.
  • Helvetica (2007) - it's a documentary about a typeface. Could I be any more of a design nerd?
  • Mirror Mask (2005) - Neil Gaiman + Dave McKean = deliciously and darkly surreal.
  • Tideland (2005) - really fucking disturbing, but poetic and haunting. Really haunting. Like, I'd like it out of my head now haunting.
  • Coraline (2009) - another worlds-within-worlds story, the kind that Gaiman does so well.
  • Shaun of the Dead (2004) - zombies and Brits. What's not to like?
  • Bubba Ho-Tep (2002) - an ancient Egyptian zombie and Elvis. What's not to like?
  • Planet Terror (2007) - more zombies. What's not to like?
  • Crank (2006) - Two words: Jason Statham
  • XXX (2002) - Two words: Vin Diesel
  • Long Way Round - (2005) - Two friends ride their motorcycles around the world. Worth it for the Mongolian/Russian legs of the journey. Made me want an adventure and sparked the trip to Alaska.
  • Stardust (2007) - another Gaiman story. Sensing a trend yet?
  • Casino Royale (2006) - It's Bond. What more can I say.
  • Bollywood Hollywood (2002) - I have a soft spot for Bollywood movies.

Top Of My Head 30

Well, I COULD look at that list of movies made in the naughts, but instead I'll see what films I've seen that may have been in the past decade that I liked. Also, I'll try to keep it to 30, because 20 ain't enough. In no particular order:

1.- Banlieu 13 (District B13) - Parkour kick-assery
2.- Dogville - Chalk outlines and brilliance
3.- The Bothersome Man - Norwegian film you haven't seen but should
4.- O Brother, Where Art Thou? - My favourite Coens movie ever
5.- Two Soliders (short) - 20 minute tearjerker
6.- Iron Man - Loved X2, Batman, and others, but this was my fav of the superheroes
7.- Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story - Funny as hell, every time
8.- Kung Fu Hustle - Looney Tunes + The Matrix = awesomesauce
9.- The Lord of the Rings series - As close to how you envisioned it as it could be
10.- Monsters Inc. - My 2nd favourite Pixar film behind Toy Story 2
11.- I ♥ Huckabees - Existential and nihilistic comedy
12.- Adaptation - Pretty meta, and I'll watch anything written by Kaufman
13.- Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - Kaufman again, and Jim Carey's finest role
14.- The Road - Bleak, harsh, and beautiful
15.- Before Sunset - Best intelligent date movie ever.
16.- Waking Life - Trippy, philosophical, great
17.- Match Point - Woody Allen tenses up his audience with adultery. Nothing funny here.
18.- The Darjeeling Limited - Wes Anderson is growing on me. Need to see that Fox film.
19.- Synechdoche, New York - Kaufman allowed to direct = mind trip
20.- Pontypool - Best zombie movie of the decade. If you like words.
21.- Chacun Son Cinema - Short films about the love of cinema.
22.- Honeydripper - Sayles + Alabama + music = gold
23.- Donnie Darko - Time travel as a metaphor. Avoid the director's cut at all costs.
24.- Hot Fuzz - I like it more than Shaun of the Dead.
25.- Requiem for a Dream - I don't know if I could ever watch this a second time. Brilliantly disturbing.
26.- Kill Bill - Tarantino makes his samurai movie. Way to go Kiddo.
27.- Inglourious Basterds - Tarantino makes his WWII movie. A melange of fantastic.
28.- Little Miss Sunshine - Dysfunctional families are still families.
29.- Moulin Rouge - I still have Roxanne stuck in my head
30.- No Country For Old Men - A man, some money, a killer, a lawman = classic
31.- Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl - The most fun pirates have ever been
32.- A Mighty Wind - Improv folk music comedy - My favourite of the Guest films
33.- Big Fish - One of the most poignant films about father-son relationships in recent memory
34.- Almost Famous - a GF said, "trust me, you'll like this." She wasn't lying

Okay, so it's 3234. I couldn't bring myself to whittle it down any more. I could have added a dozen more.

*In fact, I added 2 more because I realized I'd forgotten two of my favourite films of the decade!

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

20 Best Movies of the Decade: Part Deux

Well, sorta Part Deux. It's like those sequels that have a different director, writer and cast, but keep the franchise name. Like that. Wow, Julius Goat's link to that wikipedia page with all the movies made this decade at once made me feel like I have not seen enough movies and reminded me of the disaster Chris Carter made of the X-files franchise, which then reminded me that given all the horrible, horrible movies I've seen, I've definitely seen quite enough films. But here are the best of the best of the best of the aughts! I think I only overlap with Julius Goat on two, so wow, those two must really be teh awesome. Oh, and this is not in any order...well, maybe some vague alphabetical order.

1) 28 Days Later (2002)

2) 30 Days of Night (2007)

3) 3:10 to Yuma (2007)

4) Akeelah and the Bee (2006)

5) Bend It Like Beckham (2002)

6) Capturing the Friedmans (2003)

7) Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (2004)

8) Dogville (2003)

9) The Departed (2006)

10) The Fast and the Furious (2001)

11) Hairspray (2007) (Zac Efron in the hizzouse!)

12) Iron Man (2008)

13) Legally Blonde (2001)

14) Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003)

15) Pitch Black (2000)

16) The Princess Diaries (2001)

17) Saw (2004)

18) Shaun of the Dead (2004)

19) Spider-Man (2002)
19) Spider-Man 2 (2004)

20) There Will Be Blood (2007)

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

20 Best Movies Of The Zeroes

At the risk of stating the obvious, we're at the end of a decade. Time for lists! Here's the best movies I saw that were released from 2000 - 2009. Obviously, this shouldn't be taken as a definitive list. I reckon that if I had seen all the movies of the decade (or, you know, even a quarter of them), the composition would be altered, possibly significantly.

I made this list by going to the Wikipedia page for all movies of the decade and quickly scrolling through, jotting down favorites as I went. I wound up with a list of about 35, which I whittled down to here.

If you haven't seen some of these . . . well, you ought to.

Come on now, FilmChawians. I've shown you mine. Lets see your'n.

1) Mulholland Drive (2001)

2) Waking Life (2001)

3) Children of Men (2006)

4) Spirited Away (2001)

5) The Lord of the Rings (2003)

6) The Fog of War (2003)

7) Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2000)

8) Memento (2000)

9) 25th Hour (2002)

10) Dogville (2003)

11) Caché (Hidden) (2005)

12) The Royal Tenenbaums (2001)

13) The Man Who Wasn't There (2001)

14) There Will Be Blood (2007)

15) Brick (2006)

16) No Country for Old Men (2007)

17) Donnie Darko (2001)

18) Dancer In The Dark (2001)

19) Gerry (2002)

20) Zodiac (2007)

Spanning the Videostore Shelves...

If you are anything like me, and I assume you are or aspire to be, you'll spend your upcoming days and weeks off avoiding your loved ones and watching TV and movies. Here are reviews of some new to DVD and not-so-new to DVD, flicks that I can recommend. Or unrecommend. Ready...set...


The most overhyped movie of the year, by far! This movie got such strong word of mouth praise that I almost saw it in the theater. But when I went, I missed the 3 o'clock showing by 15 minutes and there wasn't another showing till 7. Dude, if I had paid 13 dollars to see in a theater, heaven help all those who convinced me to see it. Look, it's okay. But it's implausible on EVERY level, which is fine if the movie is asking you to suspend belief a la Terminator, instead, Up goes out of its way to be as realistic as all get out, but then: ooh, look, his house is flying and oh, the fat kid's on the porch and not DEAD, which is what he would be. I didn't believe any of the characters. Why would the bird leave her children to follow strangers. It's pretty to look at though. I find the villan and the wife to have been the most interesting characters and the ones we learn too little about. Boo. I expected more. Don't you make that mistake!

Buffalo 66

People have been telling me to watch this movie ever since I became a diehard football fan. I don't know why. The mom in the film does tell her son she wishes she'd been able to watch Buffalo in the Championship, instead of being off birthing him, but it quickly becomes clear that's because she doesn't like her son. Or her life really, it's not an overenthusiastic love for the Bills. Hell, she schedules dinner in the middle of the game and gives her son the only seat at the table with a view of the television. Not too fannish, in my book. Instead, the movie is about profoundly unhappy people who live in Buffalo during the Winter. I'm not sure who the target audience is. The cast is mostly unknown, except for a bizzarely blond Christina Ricci, and well, if you're already unhappy what would you want to watch this movie for? And if you are happy why would you want this movie bringing you down? Best I can tell, this movie is for when you're too sick to do anything more than collect movies from the mailbox, stick the in the DVD player and crawl back to your couch.

Julie and Julia

Absolutely terrific movie! Meryl Streep just might be a god among men. She becomes Julia Child, like totally! I love her feisty competitive spirit. You can see the joy on her face as she cuts onions, the pain in her eyes as she sees babies that she'll never have being pushed down the street. I didn't particularly care for Stanley Tucci as her husband. He seemed too much Stanley Tucci playing a role, but Meryl makes it work! She's so the awesomest! But the movie isn't just about Julia Child. It's also about Julie something or another. A blogger trying to cook all of Julia's recipes in one year. This role is played by the ubiquitous Amy Adams. Oh, does she capture the pain of blogging! Posting and not getting comments. Frowny face. Having her mother wonder why she's wasting her time with this blogging nonsense. Shruggy face. But in the end, she, like Julia Child triumphs and becomes star! Huzzah! I don't cook, so I couldn't really relate to that aspect of the film, but I understand a drive to compete in a male dominated world and the desire for comments. So...yay!

Pelham 123

Okay, the absolute dang best part about this movie is why the Number 6 train is called Pelham 123, but now I can't remember the reason for the life of me! Dammit! Help! If anyone else saw this movie or remembers, please comment the answer!! Arrgh. Um. It's Denzel and it's Travolta, but they both look weird. Denzel is fat and Travolta is rocking that weird cartoon supervillan pencil thin mustache/beard thing. There is no nuance in either of their performances. Travolta bad. Denzel good. Even the passengers are hackneyed stereotypes. The white mom pulling her son to her, but the boy wants to see! And the tough guy black guy. Blah. Boo. There wasn't even a redemptive explosion. Skip!

Michelle Williams has a British accent! And stuff happens. Um. There's a huge bombing and her husband is on the bomb squad. Oh, and she's having an affair. And, it turns out that what she thinks she knows, may not be the whole story! And did I mention she has a British accent? This movie is good. It's sad, which is fine, cause whenever I see Michelle Williams I think of Heath Ledger and it makes me sad.

GI Joe: Rise of Cobra
I loved the cartoon as a kid and I was excited to see the movie, however, all the bad reviews made me wait for the DVD. I was pleasantly surprised. The action is top notch. The lead is a hottie and watching France get hit is mad cool. I HATED Marlon Wayans' black buffoonish character. UGH! Fucking Hollywood. And I HATE the NATO aspect. GI Joe is the great fucking AMERICAN hero, turd faces! We don't have headquarters in Africa and there ain't no Morrocans on the squad. Unless they've naturalized. All in all, though: Me likey. So now you know.'s half the battle.

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

Yawn. The trailer for this movie is so good! Exciting, suspenseful, captivating: essentially, everything the movie is NOT. The movie is slow, boring, predictable...British. Blah. No need to see this one ever.

Mama's Boy

Stars Diane Keaton, who will do anything for a paycheck. Not kidding, I bet if they offered her a role in American Pie 14 as a GILF, she'd take it and not bat an eyelash. Also stars the Napoleon Dynamite guy. This flick is a horrible, unfunny mess of nonsense poop. It's too late for me, save yourselves! If you're desperate to see a movie about an adult man living with his mommy, rent Stepbrothers.

Henry Poole is Here
This movie stars the dark haired Owen brother. He buys a house and the visage of Mary appears in a water stain on a wall. He has just been diagnosed with a terminal illness and doesn't believe in God. Thus, conflict! The neighborhood wants to enshrine his house, he just wants to be left alone. Eh, it's okay. Like if you've already seen everything else and it's down to this or Mama's Boy. Go ahead and see this.

The Proposal
Again, Ryan Reynolds is my guy! And I love him in this movie. Sandra Bullock as the tough as nails boss who has to marry her sycophantic assistant or be deported to Canadia is also delightful. It's your typical love/hate romantic comedy where...surprise, turns out they really love each other after all! But you'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll sing bad rap songs along the way!

Angels & Demons
How come the people writing these mystical codes in ancient times are never specific? Can't they just be all "third cobblestone, 30 degress South of the city square." No, it's always "this bird neither sees nor flies, but its beak holds the key." And then it'll turn out that the bird isn't a bird, but is actually the tomb of Cardinal Bird!
Eyeroll. It's also fairly unbelieveable that Tom Hanks figures out every code correctly, in the right order, but aw shoot, he's one minute too late! One wonders why he doesn't just skip ahead to the last clue, so he can get a jump on the killer instead of being one step behind for the whole movie! Um...the deaths are bloody and gruesome, so that's a plus. But for the most part, if you liked the Da Vinci Code, you should probably just rent that again.

1990s teen flick about three social outcasts who play at witchcraftery. Yeah, that's a But when the mysterious transfer student Sarah Bailey enrolls at Blah blah blah High, inexplicable things start to happen and the trio discover she's the key that unlocks their magical powers! They exact revenge on their enemies, make their wildest dreams come true and altogether rule the school! But, oh no, have they gone too far? Will there be consequences? Yah huh. Indeed: There. Will. Be. Hell. To. pay! Hah! I'm so good! Or I read that on the movie poster for the movie when I was a kid.
Good. Definitely good.


I have a Kevin Spacey thing. It used to be much more diehard, but then he broke my heart with a string of duds which included K-Pax and Pay It forward, and well, I can barely look at his stupid sell-out face now. Insert hippie "it used to be about the art, man. I loved you!" rant here. But, I was sick, In this Spacey plays the shrink. He counsels famous people. They are rich, but neurotic. Some take drugs. What they don't know, is that their shrink is also spiralling down the drain of mental illness. His wife has killed herself and he's been self medicating with pot he buys from that kid that plays Landry on Friday Night Lights. Spacey's father is also a shrink and decides the best way to get his son out of his self-pitying funk is to refer a patient to him that has real non Hollywood problems. Enter teenage black girl whose mother just died. She's been cutting school and acting out and maybe, tried to kill herself, she doesn't want to go to a shrink, but Spacey draws her out of her shell through their shared love of movies! Everything is going well, until one of Spacey's patients catches wind of the girl's story and decides it'd make a good movie! Oh no! But will this unforgiveable betrayal turn out to save them all? Will it? Um...probably, it was very boring and I was on medication. So I can't be sure.

Four Christmases
This movie is supposedly named after the fact that the starring couple: Brad and Kate, have to spend Christmas with both sets of parents who are now divorced and have new step partners. However, it might as well be named for the fact that it feels like four actual years have passed between the opening bar scene and the closing hospital scene. Yarf. Dear Reese Witherspoon, I expect this garbage from Vince Vaughn, NOT YOU. Clean up your act, young lady. Also, Kristin Chenoweth, Unless there is singing involved, I don't want to see you in another movie. You are a TV/Broadway star, dammit!

I love good scary movies. I LOVED Orphan. The cast was perfect. Even the little blond girl character in the flick that I typically roll my eyes at for two hours, was great! I don't want to give any of it away, so suffice to say, it's about a family that welcomes a new member from an orphanage and how their lives change. Four thumbs up! But it is scary in parts, so Kelly, can you handle it? Michelle can handle it? Beyonce can you handle it? What? Doesn't everyone bust into Destiny's Child lyrics at the end of a movie review?

Terminator 3 or is it 4?
So Christian Bale, huh? That little boy grew up to be Christian Bale? Ok. I'll bite. Which reminds me, what's up with Bale's mouth, it's like his teeth are too far back to hold up his lips! Anyway, so we're in the future again. And um, Skynet is still trying to kill John Connor (what up with that, by the way? How come he doesn't have his father's last name?)This time, instead of going back in time after his mother, the robots hatch a plan to kill his father in their own time! John Connor must find his dad - now a teenage boy- and protect him before Skynet finds him. Meanwhile, Connor's father Reese is leading the rebellion in California where he meets a stranger and they, along with a little girl, fight robots. There are lots of really cool robots. Personally, I think the robots were too cool. I was so rooting for them! But that might be because of Bale's weird lip thing. If that's the future look of men, let the robots have the planet!

The hitchhiker's guide to the Galaxy
Skip it. Seriously. Read the book, it's funnier and more entertaining. This flick is terribly cast. Horribly edited. Blerrgh.

Star Trek
I've never seen any Star Trek stuff. Not the original show, not any of the spinoffs and not any of the previous movies. So I wasn't sure I'd "get" this movie. But I did. I thought it hanged together well. I like the conflict between Spock and Kirk. (I thought the use of Leonard Nimoy was cheesy, like they panicked about trying to start the franchise over from scratch and so, clung to the security blanket of old Spock. I would have preferred to see old Kirk!) for the starts fast and fun; then lags, then picks up again in the last 45 minutes. But I was entertained. Oh, and I Loved the Run, Fatboy, Run guy being in it! He's always a treat.

Funny People
This movie is a brilliant combination of all the things I love about Adam Sandler (have seen all his movies…yes, even the terrible pudding/terrorism survivor ones) and none of the things I hate about Seth Rogen and that fat guy he always acts with…or is Seth Rogen the fat guy who acts with the other guy? Whatever, they didn’t irritate me this time. The standup bits were funny. I LOVED all the cameos and the story way doesn't go how you think it will! I was surprised at every turn. Just superb!

Night at the Museum 2
Hey! Look it's Amy Adams again! She's like the modern day Reese Witherspoon. In everything! Oh, and there's the fat guy from Seth Rogan movies. Irritating. And Ben Stiller! Sucktacular. The movies is dumb. A steady, unending suckfest. Even Hank Azaria and cool special effects couldn't save this film from itself and it's retarded premise. Yah, the New York Musuem of *Natural* History is going to replace all the exhibits with holograms. Sha. Boo. Boo. BOO!

Monday, December 7, 2009

The Stepfather (1987)

'The Stepfather' (1987)* * * *

A few weeks ago a new horror film called The Stepfather took its turn on one of the screens down at the local metroplex. You might have seen the poster, featuring a couple of fists menacingly holding a necktie, with the caption “This fall, Daddy’s home.”

I did not see this new film, although I’ll admit I was somewhat curious about it because of my familiarity with the original 1987 version, starring Terry O’Quinn (of Lost fame). From what I’ve read, reviews of the remake have been mixed, with some actually heralding it as a decent little thriller. I had two friends see it -- one thought it was dreadful, while the other gave it a lukewarm “it was all right” kind of response. I may eventually check it out when it arrives on DVD.

Like I say, I was intrigued by the appearance of this remake since I had seen and appreciated the original version. I even wrote an academic essay about it a couple of years ago for a film journal in which I focused on one particular aspect of the film I found especially interesting. Unfortunately, I cannot point you to a copy of the essay online, but if your library gets Literature Film Quarterly, check out Issue #3 from 2006 and you’ll find my article.

I’m not going to offer a full-fledged review of the movie here, although I will point you to a recent Onion A.V. Club piece that does a good job highlighting the 1987 film’s best qualities. But let me share with you this one facet of The Stepfather that I thought was worth investigating in my essay.

From what I understand, the remake essentially follows the original in terms of its plot (with a few differences in the characters). In the 1987 version, a not-bald Terry O’Quinn plays a real estate agent named Jerry Blake who has recently married a young widow, Susan (Shelley Hack), who has a daughter, Stephanie (Jill Schoelen). They appear to have an ideal life going, although Stephanie ain’t too sure about her stepdad who seems almost too excited about his father-husband role. “I swear to God it’s like having Ward Cleaver for a dad,” she tells a friend.

'The Stepfather' (1987)As the somewhat shocking opening sequence had revealed, Stephanie has good reason to be suspicious of Jerry. As is eventually explained, Jerry is what might be called a “serial stepfather,” who has more than once courted and married divorcĂ©es with children, then, when they fail to live up to his Leave it to Beaver-inspired ideas of the perfect American family, he kills them, adopts a new identity, finds another family to join, and starts the cycle anew.

The film was apparently based on a real-life story, with Donald E. Westlake, the hard-boiled detective novelist, having penned the screenplay. In my article, I highlight the “hard-boiled” aspects of the film, promoting them above its “horror” or “slasher” qualities -- partly because of Westlake’s involvement, but mostly because I saw the plot uncannily resembling a passage from Dashiell Hammett’s 1930 novel The Maltese Falcon.

The passage is an anecdote told by the protagonist, detective Sam Spade, to Brigid O’Shaughnessy, the book’s femme fatale. The anecdote, sometimes called “The Flitcraft Parable” by Hammett scholars, has nothing to do with the novel’s plot, but does afford some insight into Spade’s character. Hammett’s, too.

The story is about a man named Charles Flitcraft who works as a real estate agent in the northwest. One day Flitcraft goes to work and never comes home, and five years later Spade ends up getting tapped to try to find him. Nothing about Flitcraft had suggested that he would suddenly leave a good job, a loving wife, and his two children, so when Spade finally finds him living under a different name, working as a car salesman, and having started a new family, the detective is curious to learn why he did what he did.

Flitcraft tells Spade how on that day five years before he had been walking to lunch when he passed by a building under construction. A large beam suddenly fell on the sidewalk next to him -- a few feet over and he’d have been killed. Flitcraft experiences a sort of revelation, and at that moment decides all of his preconceptions about life and its meaning were invalid. So he takes off, but after a couple of years finds himself essentially living out the same life he had led before -- work, wife, children. “I don’t think he even knew had settled back naturally into the same groove he had jumped out of” before, speculates Spade.

To me, the parable has always stood as a provocative “existentialist”-type fable about how we tend to make meaning of our lives, but how that meaning-making gets affected by external influences, thus landing us over and over again into “the same groove.” The Flitcraft parable is given a murderous twist in The Stepfather, but I think a lot of the same existentialist questions are raised by the film, too. There are numerous other parallels between the anecdote and the film I mention in the essay as well, all of which help me make the case that the Hammett story might have provided some inspiration.

I also think the original film has a lot going for it in terms of how it problematizes the whole idea of so-called “traditional family values” -- a hot topic, politically, back in the late 80s and early 90s. In a footnote to my essay, I said I thought The Stepfather was much more interesting in the way it problematized that “ideal” vision of the family than did the much more popular Fatal Attraction (released later the same year), a movie which instead essentially reinforces the ideal.

Sorry to be so suggestive here and not explain fully my argument or this latter point, but I didn’t want to rewrite the entire essay. Check out that Onion A.V. Club article for more insights on the original Stepfather, and if you happen to find my Literature Film Quarterly article and read it, I’d love to hear whatever feedback you might have.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Flu plus Netflix subscription equals Film Chaw posting again!

I was felled by the flu a couple of weeks ago. So, naturally, I did what I always do in times of immobility and suffering, I watch lots and lots of movies.
Bad movies.
Bad. Gracie suggested that I sign up for Netflix so I could just stream movies straight to my computer.
Sounds like a plan. The first movie I chose was:

The Passengers (2008) With Anne Hathaway, Patrick Wilson, Andre Braugher.
Fine, FINE, I ADMIT IT. I LIKE ANNE HATHAWAY! Enough with the torture. Please put down the waterboard. I have suffered enough. Mostly thanks to watching "The Passengers." This movie is dark. Seriously. Filmed in somebody's basement dark. Oh, also it's about a plane crash, so the subject matter is dark too. Here's the problem. There is too much "acting" required for this movie to work...particular with Anne Hathaway at the helm. She's more of a quirky physical comedy Princess Diaries/Bride Wars mishaps, pratfalls, love story kind of "actress." Get Smart is pretty much as far as she should ever go in a "serious" role direction. (Yup, hated that Rachel wedding movie. Poop.) So here she's a therapist charged with helping the survivors of a plane crash come to grips with their lives as plane crash victims. She then finds herself fighting with the creepy airline guy and then ON TOP of all that her patients start disappearing! Oh no! See what I did there? I made this movie sound exciting. Made you care. Worry even! Except it's not, you won't and you shouldn't. And then there's a whole twist at the end that just points and laughs at you for having sat there watching for two hours. Save yourself. It's too late for me.

After that mess of a movie, I decided to go in a daring exciting mysterious direction: Sci Fi! I picked a movie about time travel. I have this whole fantasy about time travel where I go back in time and help the Patriots win Superbowl 42. Or place a really big bet on the Giants. I go back and forth.

Primer (2004) starring and directed by Shane Carruth

I fell asleep after ten minutes. When I woke up, I put on the movie:

The Nines (2007) Directed by John August. With Ryan Reynolds, Melissa McCarthy, Hope Davis.

Yes, yes, I like Ryan Reynolds. I don't know how or when it happened, but I swear I used to mock him as the two guys, a girl and a pizza place guy and now...somehow I've seen all his movies. Go figure. But I hadn't seen this one. This movie is weird. But good weird. It's set up like Pulp Fiction, in that it has three, non consecutive stories that all come together in the end. Sort of. The first story is of a Hollywood actor (Reynolds) who goes out of control, with the drinking and driving and crack smoking, until he's put on house arrest. Hope Davis is the strange neighbor who tries to seduce him into breaking house arrest, while Melissa McCarthy is the funny tough-as-nails agent who tries to keep him on the straight and narrow. Or at the very least house arrest compliant. She loses the battle and he bolts from the house...the next story is of a TV writer (Reynolds) who designs a show for Melissa McCarthy - she plays herself as the Gilmore Girls star that she actually is in real life. Here, Hope Davis is a producer trying to get him to ditch the plump McCarthy for a thinner, more Hollywood pretty actress. Again, Davis wins the battle, but things don't quite work out for the writer... The last tale is of a husband (Reynolds) and his wife McCarthy and their little deaf daughter (the little sister of that famous little blond girl that's in everything). They are lost in the woods, the husband goes for help and he encounters...HOPE DAVIS! Crazy! Look, I said it was weird. But good weird.

So as I am streaming and watching the movies, I am also tweeting my Netflix adventure. When I come back from the Nines, I see all these messages mocking me for not finishing Primer and insinuating that I wasn't smart enough to understand it!
How. DARE. THEY?!!
This is where I should mention that I almost drowned when I was 7 cause some boy said boys were better swimmers than girls, and while I couldn't swim, I also couldn't let that stand. So I accepted the challenge, figuring I would run really fast along the bottom of the pool and beat him. Lifeguards fished me out about 6 minutes later as I gasped for air in the middle of the pool. Long story short I put back on that damn Primer movie! Ha! Doubt my intellectual prowess will you?

Primer (2004) starring and directed by Shane Carruth (Take Two)

So this movie is about four techie guys who sit around around trying to come up with a money making invention. One day, two of the four realize that some crap they invented for some other purpose would actually work to send them back in time! Huzzah. Then they proceed to do the most boring things ever done with the power to time travel in the history of stories about time travel. I'm NOT EVEN exaggerating A LITTLE. They do some stock market scam for a few thousand dollars, then decide it's wrong, so they try to go back in time to stop themselves from going back in time. Or at least that's one guy's plan, so the other guy has to go back in time to stop that guy from stopping them from going back in time. Dude. Kill me. This movie is horrible and dumb and like agreeing to a swim race when you can't swim, it will only end with your body floating in a pool. Or something. You want to watch a good movie about time travel? Two words: Back to the Future. (Shut up, everyone knows "to" and "the" don't count as words.)