Monday, September 14, 2009

jjok Says RIP Patrick Swayze. Roadhouse Synopsis in 5 Minutes or Less

Cross posted at my homepage, JacksRok.

Patrick Swayze passed away today at the age of 57. RIP Mr Swayze......

Here's a tribute post I wrote in March of 2008 that I never published. Right after his diagnosis went public......

Have fun.......


Big fan of "Guy Movies". TNT does their "Movies for guys who like movies" stuff and they are usually dead on with their selections.

And Patrick Swayze was diagnosed with's hoping he recovers.

So, this post is dedicated to him and will cover one of the greatest guy movies ever.


And today, and only today, I, jjok will give a synopsis of this movie for your reading enlightenment.

So here we go, Roadhouse in 5 minutes or less of reading.

Bartender, named Dalton, flowing locks of hair, badass. Called by small podunk town bar-owner. Owner needs to clean up his joint.
Dalton takes the job.

Dalton specs out the place. Notes the problem workers and keeps a low profile because he is a badass.
Holds meeting with workers
"I thought he'd be bigger"
you don't have to be bigger when you have flowing locks of hair
"Be nice until it's time to not be nice."
"What if some guy calls my momma a whore?"
"Is she?"

Dalton doesn't want patrons to fuck with his mercedes, so he buys a jelopy at the local used car joint. Light covers still work too.
He buys 4 spare tires.

He lives in a barn.....upstairs......
He sleeps naked in the non air conditioned barn
With farm animals.

He goes to work on first night.
Catches a worker doggying a 17 year old......instead of watching the dude finish her off, fires him instead
"You're gonna be my saturday night special"
"Oh Stevie"
"But I'm on my break!!!"
"Stay on it"

Dalton has his arms crossed, leaning on a post, sipping coffee.
Sees a bottle being thrown at him.
He slightly moves his head and lets it shatter on the post. Arms never uncross.

........Classic barbouncer move cometh
Dalton takes guy by the back of the head and slams it into table.
The table breaks perfectly in a line thus breaking the table in two
Dalton pulls the guys head back up.
Dalton then quickly jerks his head, causing his flocks of hair to fly.
"Escort this gentleman to the door"
"Did you see that shit?"
"Tha names.....Dalton" says the blind Jeff Healey playing the guitar behind the steal cage to protect him.
Future bad guy's whore girlfriend now likes Dalton.

After bar closes, someone knifes all 4 of Dalton's tires? No problem! That's why he bought 4 spares!
And he just laughs about it while rolling up the sleeves to change the tires.
Gets home to his barn, looks out accross the lake from his window to see naked swim parties every night.
This party-thrower will be the badguy.

Next night, he gets a stab wound while working.
He goes to the hospital.
Doctor is hottie, and notices his stitches on his arm.
"Nice work."
Dalton also carries around his medical chart.
"For your line of work....I thought you'd be bigger"
"I get that alot"
Invite her to come to bar for some coffee.

Focus shift now......
Next night, meets bad guy in person, who has hired some of the fired workers.
They start a brawl.
Dalton wins, like he's supposed to.

Bad Guy makes henchmen "invite" Dalton to breakfast. Bad Guy's whore girlfriend doing aerobics in the next room...she has a black eye
Dalton now meets his nemesis......another badass.

Bad Guy starts to do bad guy things like destroying car dealerships. Nemesis helps out.
"Hope you have insurance"

Dalton calls his buddy, asking him to help out.
Old guy with bad knees is Dalton's buddy...he's got to call Dalton "Miho" which is short for amigo.
Relationship with doctor girl filler which is now unimportant.

Bad Guy doesn't like Dalton. Neither does the Nemesis.
Dalton fighting with girlfriend. Hears explosion at barn-owners normal house.

Key move here.......
Dalton jumps out of the window of his upstairs barn apartment........because there is a likelihood he will land in a haystack, roll off it, and continue running without skipping a beat
Oh, and without a shirt.
And no shoes.
Saves old guys life.
Sees Nemesis on motorcycle that caused the explosion.
Dalton runs after him, and knocks him off the motorcycle.
Fight ensues.
Nemesis says to Dalton....."I used to fuck guys like you in prison"
Dalton, amidst the frucus, finds a way to climb a small rock, jump off it, and land a successful kick on Nemesis.
Nemesis pulls out gun, knowing he can't win.
Dalton able to kick it away.
Dalton holds out his hand with pointing finger, middle finger, and thumb extended ready to rip out Nemesis's throat...
Looks like he is about to throw a curveball......
And he does rip out the throat.
Then after does a spin kick to Nemesis's midsection and let's Nemesis fall face first into a pond.
Girlfriend sees it, confirms Nemesis is dead, and is now ultra pissed at Dalton.

Dalton calls buddy to tell them they are leaving this town.
Buddy says cool.
Buddy killed by Bad Guy by a big Bowie Knife.
Dalton pissed.

Dalton executes a perfect plan which can truly only be done in a movie.....or if you are a badass.......

Using the Bowie knife that killed his friend, it navigates his mercedes towards the Bad Guys house. The car hits a perfectly timed jump, causing the car to do a corkscrew in the air.......there is a guy waiting with a shotgun ready to shoot the gastank......causing the whole thing to blow up.
But Dalton isn't in the car.
The shotgun guy is the owner of the knife and retrieves it. Duh Duh Dunnnnnn.

Dalton beats up all the henchman.
Stuffed polar bears are scary.
Bad Guy has Dalton on ropes.
Three old country men with 6'-0" long shotguns shoot Bad Guy.
Bad Guy does the Nestea Plunge into glass coffee table after said gentlemen with insanely long shotguns ventilated his midsection
Cops show up.
What happened.
"I didn't see anything."
Henchman says "Polar Bear fell on me"

Dalton swims with hottie Doctor naked in the scummy pond out back.



Again rest in peace Patrick Swayze, and thanks for those movies of yours that I enjoyed......