I hate them.
Ironical, I know. The first two movies I'll review are the ones I saw last week, well, two of them anyway. The two that have the word love in them. See, Two lovers? That's how it works, you give something a name AND THEN YOU LIVE UP TO IT! Stupid, idiotic, Gwenth-Paltrow-was-NOT-Joaquin-Phoenix's-lover-at-all movie. (Ok, she might have been for like a few seconds in one scene, but the camera angle was very weird and it was dark and they were on a roof.)
As a general matter, I don't choose movies based on the trailer. I see so many, I usually just walk into my Blockbuster, and look for a box containing something I haven't seen before and rent it. Not so with Two Lovers. I actually liked the trailer, with its snowy videography and mysterious music, so much, that I went to the store with the express goal of renting this wretched film. The movie begins all promising like: Joaquin Phoenix throws himself into the freezing waters off Brooklyn's Coney Island! Huzzah! And I was like thank God because I wasn't really up for seeing a movie where Joaquin Phoenix AND Gweneth Paltrow played leading roles. As I began to wonder who the actual male lead would be...wouldn't you know, they rescue him. Everything else is downhill from there. Turns out he is a sad sack who lives with his parents after a failed suicide and a broken engagement. His parents then matchmaker him to another sad sack loser who lives with her parents. There is some underlying "oh if our kids get married, it will save both our family businesses" storyline that isn't fully developed or expressed. Meanwhile, across the alleyway is a beautiful, unattainable blond woman who stares at Joaquin as he lies in his childhood bedroom thinking of ways to end his life. She just wants to be friends. Of course, this means he MUST HAVE her. The story unfolds fairly predictably from there. And it does so in the most excruciatingly boring of ways. The dialogue is horrible, I'm fairly sure Paltrow Auto-tuned her entire performance from a soundstage in London (which explains why that sex scene was so dubious) and I don't even remember what the other lover looks like or what her name was. I guess, in case you still want to see this tripe, I won't "ruin" the ending. But I will say nobody is hacked to pieces with a saw by an angry black woman. So, there's no happy ending.
I Love You, Man
I wanted to like this movie. Heck, I wanted to LOVE this movie. I'm a HUGE Paul Rudd fan, I love How I Met Your Mother, I liked that girl from The Office (hmm...maybe I need a TV blog) and I love comedies. It was a gimmee. And yet. I maybe laughed once. And trust me, I am a very easy person to amuse. Like I'm giggling right now for absolutely no reason. And now I'm fully laughing because I can't believe I just admitted to strangers that I'm giggling at my desk for no reason. Anyway, that is how epic a failure, as a comedy, this movie was. Now, perhaps as a quirky indie movie about a guy who finds himself at the middle of his life with no close same sex friends, the movie is a success. Rudd is plausible as the straightman - though I prefer him as the wisecracking friend; and the guy from how I Met Your Mother is decent as the pot smoking slacker who befriends Rudd. But again, this movie was not funny. And that's what I was expecting. The only exception was SNL's Adam Sandberg. His straight faced flaming gay guy who likes straight guys because "they pose more of a challenge," was hysterical. The one time I remember laughing was during a scene with Sandberg and Rudd with their dad at the dinner table. Gold, Jerry, gold.
You can give both of these movies a miss. Unless you're on a plane and can't sleep, then try Two Lovers, cause it will put you out like a light.
Zac Ephron forever.