Saturday, July 26, 2014

July movie reviews

Do people still read these anymore? My office has cut off internet usage, so I almost quit writing them. But it is my birthday month and all, how could I quit in July. We'll quit in August. So, here we go:

The Big Chill

This movie was okay. The best thing I can say about it is that they cut Kevin Costner. The movie is about friends whose college friend kills himself and they spend the weekend hashing out old grudges and deciding who gets to sleep with the dead guy’s twenty-year-old girlfriend next. The impotent Vietnam vet wins.

The Paperboy

All Zac Efron movies start off with four stars. Zac Efron movies where he is wet and shirtless 90 percent of the time, start off with nine hundred stars. The movie is about Matthew McConaughey who is a journalist trying to free a death row inmate who he thinks is innocent. He comes with a British black assistant and an unrecognizable Nicole Kidman plays the convict’s girlfriend. John Cusack plays the convict. You’d think this movie would be AMAZING, wouldn’t you. Well, Zac Efron is wet and half naked for most of it. AND it’s better than Crash.

Not Fade Away

This movie is awful. I went through an obsessed with the Sopranos phase in June, so I watched this cause the same guy directed it and it stars Tony Soprano. But YARF. It’s a crappy period piece about some shitty cover singer who wants to make it and so some stupid shit happens and his dad or cancer or something. Blargh. AW. FULL.

Gladiator

One of the Sopranos characters is obsessed with this movie, so I thought I’d rewatch it. I LOVED this when I saw it in the theater, but it does not hold up. This movie is not good. It’s predictable, clich├ęd and kinda silly. There are maybe twenty awesome minutes – mostly the beginning and the end. The rest is drivel. The Oscars are so dumb.

Bernie

This movie is about a man who kills the old lady he either works for or is involved with. It’s an actually well executed fauxumentary. Weird McConaughey is in this too. The movie stars Jack Black as the man and is funny and compelling. The reality that this dude was caught with a dead body in his freezer but is free, because a Hollywood director vouched for him… well… that’s disturbing.

Burning Man

Good lord is this movie horrendous. It’s about a family and then the mom gets cancer and dies and the dad goes crazy and the son goes to live with his aunt or something. It’s Australian. Also bad.

After Tiller

This is a documentary about how late term abortion doctors are so harassed and murdered in America that there are only FOUR left. Jesus. It follows various women who get abortions and the doctors and it’s just heartbreaking all the way through.

SEC Storied: Going Big

This is about the guy who got drafted ahead of Michael Jordan. I watched it because I assume this will be a bar trivia question some day…but now I can’t remember his name again. D’oh. Needless to say, the guy was a bust. Not worth the watch.

Manhattan

The fucking movie is HORRIBLE. Why is Woody Allen celebrated for this? The writing is crap, the acting is crappier, the plot is implausible. None of the characters are believable. UGH and he’s dating a teenager WHO HE PICKS UP AT SCHOOL? Disgusting.

Gideon’s Army

This is a documentary about legal aid lawyers and how poorly paid and overworked they are. It’s good. I mean, not the life of a legal aid lawyer or their clients… the documentary.

The Woman Who Wasn’t There

This is a documentary about a Spanish woman who pretended to work in Tower 1 and pretended to have a husband who died in Tower 2 during the 9/11 attacks. The film ultimately unsatisfying because it never interviews the woman or answers the question WHY THE FUCK DID SHE DO THAT?

Reasonable Doubt

I went back and forth on this movie. At first, I thought it was awesome. It’s about a hard nosed prosecutor who ends up hitting and running a guy AND THEN PROSECUTING SOMEONE ELSE FOR THE DEATH! But then it takes a turn, which I won’t spoiler and it got even more awesome and then the end. Blargh. Samuel L Jackson is in it.

The Invisible Woman

This is about the woman Charles Dickens left his wife and seven kids for. You all know how I feel about adultery. Blech. The movie ruined one of my favorite writers. I’m mad.

Oldboy

Spike Lee’s remake actually stuck pretty closely to the original. But since I already knew how the story ended, it wasn’t as powerful as the original. Just watch the original.

Soldiers of Fortune

This is kind of a dumb mindless watch. A dishonorably discharged renegade soldier is hired by a company to lead a “fantasy camp” for a bunch of rich dudes who want to play at war. Then, whoops, they end up in an actual war. It has moments, though, not many.

Suture

OH MY FUCKING GOD. OKAY. I saw this movie with Mary and I was so angry that I was googling articles about it for DAYS after. It’s about these brothers who meet at their dad’s funeral and the one brother decides to fake his death using the body of the other brother. Unfortunately, the brother fucks it all up by surviving. BUT HERE’S THE THING. ONE BROTHER IS BLACK AND THE OTHER IS WHITE. YET NO ONE SEEMS TO NOTICE! Not his plastic surgeon, who has before pictures that she’s using to recraft his face nor the chick that raised the murderous brother. They’re all la lalala oh you look just the same. NO HE FUCKING DOESN’T! *throws remote*

Grudge Match

Okay, don’t laugh. This movie was kinda awesome. It’s De niro and Stallone as aging boxers with a history. Financial difficulties force Stallone to accept a rubber match fight fifty years after he beat De Niro. It’s funny, touching and the ending is a surprise.

The Lunchbox

This is a Bollywood movie about two people who fall in love without ever meeting. He mistakeningly gets the lunch she has prepared for her husband. There’s no singing though.

Cold Comes the Night

This movie is weird, but I think I liked it. It stars Walter White as an aging assassin/dealer who loses his “package” he then blackmails a motel clerk into helping him get it back. Things go awry.

The Bag Man

This movie is so incredibly dumb. Why do all modern-day John Cusack movies stink?

The Secret of My Success

This movie is trash. Oh, the eighties, why did we not realize you were terrible? I rented this cause a clip shows up in the Second season of Orange is the new black and I thought there was some message. There wasn’t. I just watched this shitty Michael J. Fox movie for no reason.

The Legend of Hercules

Like Gladiator, this movie has maybe fifteen exciting minutes – mostly at the end, the rest is drivel. Skip.

Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues

I actually thought this movie was way funnier than the original, although it does repeat many of the same gags. Oh, and it still isn’t that great.

Pompeii

Wow I watched a lot of movies featuring arena fighting… this one has Game of Throne’s Jon Snow chasing Jack Bauer on horseback. It’s not good.

Prisoners

Okay, this movie is like forty-five hours long and you have NO idea what’s happening until the last fifteen minutes. It’s not a bad movie and the end is satisfying, BUT DAMN you put in a lot of work to get there. Oh, it’s about two girls who are kidnapped from the same street where a string of kidnapping happened ten years prior. The fathers take the search into their own hands. But the truth is more complicated than they could ever imagine!

Thursday, June 5, 2014

June Buggin' Out

Oh, that headline is awful. I should just quit right now. Should.

Ride Along

This movie stars Kevin Hart and Ice Cube as brothers-in-law to be. Ice Cube is a hard-nose cop who thinks Kevin Hart is too soft to marry his sister, so he makes him go on a ride a long. It wasn't horrible. But it wasn't good.

Grown Ups 2

According to Twitter, there are people who do not like Adam Sandler movies. So, first and foremost I will say, this is an Adam Sandler movie. That out of the way, I love Adam Sandler movies, however, the last five or six have been garbage. So, Grown Ups 2 was a pleasant surprise. It was funny, it wasn't sexist or homophobic or a big gross out fest. The cast is diverse and the plot is basically "we're rich, funny, old and trying to raise our kids so that they're not monsters." Boom. Done. They can handle that.

The Inevitable Defeat of Mister & Pete

This movie is amazing. A few months ago, I wrote about being annoyed about these "poor, woe is me" white boy pre teen movies where they run away from home because their mommy and daddy yelled about their unfinished chores. This movie is also about two boys living on their own -- but because one's mom abuses him so badly he still has iron burns on his body and the other one's mom shoots up heroin right in front of him. Heroin mom gets arrested and the older kid basically spends the summer taking care of the other kid and dodging the drug dealers, thieves and police who terrorize the housing development. But it's not even depressing. It's funny and heartwarming and clever. DUDE. SO GOOD! My renting movies with black people on the box racism FINALLY paid off!

Paper Heart

This movie stars Charlyne Yi and Nick from the New Girl. It's a fauxmentary about Yi falling in love with George Michael from Arrested Development while they're interviewing other couples about their marriages and failed marriages. It's very good and well done.

Black Nativity

Wow. Two Jennifer Hudson movies...ran-dom. Okay, this movie is awful. It's a musical retelling of the Nativity story set in present day Harlem. I don't know why I do this to myself.

That Awkward Moment

This movie stars Zac Efron. Um... there are other people in it too. They do stuff. Did I mention Zac Efron is in it? He is frequently in a state of undress. So, you know, four stars.

Pitch Black

I saw this movie in the theater and loved it. It totally holds up and I didn't realize how diverse the cast was and the chick is the hero and she's not annoying. *slow claps*

The Saddest Music in the World

@Mbartyzel recommended this movie about an super rich lady holding a contest to find the saddest song in the world. The rich lady puts out the call and musicians come from all over the world to represent their country. It's satire and it's perfect. It's an old movie, so the movie quality is sometimes distracting, but overall, brava!

The Chronicles of Riddick

I do not know if this is the second or third installment. Netflix sucked and sent them to me out of order. Oh crap, now I'm not even sure what happens in this one. I guess I should just review these two together... Riddick

Ok, one of them shows what happens to the passengers who escaped from the Pitch Black film and it turns out that Riddick is like Neo or Luke Skywalker or Jesus and he's destined to bring down this planet of pirates. The other one finds Riddick alone on a hostile planet and he realizes it's about to explode, so he sends a beacon out and two competing bounty hunter ships come looking for him. Both of them are terrible, though one is less terrible than the other, but, again, I'm too lazy to check which is which and I really don't remember.

Labor Day

So, here's the thing. I watch A LOT of movies and television. A LOT. And when I tell you, this is the most implausible, bullshit drivel I have ever seen in my twenty-nine years on this planet (shut up) I am only barely exaggerating. GOOD LORD. It's about a single mom, who might be clinically depressed and her pre teen son over labor day weekend. The kid finally gets her out of bed to take him to the mall or sumshit, where Brolin -- a newly escaped convict asks them to give him a ride out of town. And they do. EYE FUCKING ROLL. DUDE. DDUUUUUUDDDDDEEEEEE. GARBAGE.

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Mother, May I?

Get it?

May?

Mother's Day!

Mother May I?

Why do I give you guys this stuff for FREE?

So, my peoples what's new? What's happening? Your hockey team crapping out in the Stanley Cup Playoff? Yeah, mine too. It sucks. I'm also losing in the Stephane/Vinny hockey pool heads up match. Which, since I never lose to that fool heads up, leads me to believe hockey and all things hockey are racist. Let us never speak of them again.

Not much else is going on here, except I watched some movies, wanna hear about them? Here it goes:

Mean Girls

Well, one month after declaring myself too old for high school movies, I found myself streaming this little chestnut on Netflix. Um. This movie is awful. TELL YOUR FRIENDS. So, this movie has been heralded through the ages for what, exactly? Ooh, Tina Fey writing it? Good for her. It's not a good movie for girls -- wow, does this movie HATE girls. It's not a good movie for gay kids (why is the gay guy in the girls only gym meeting?) It's not a good movie for racial or ethnic minorities (She lived in "Africa" --- you know, someplace savage like that to prepare her for savagery of High School. See? aren't we clever! let's insert tigers taking down zebras for emphasis.) Eye. Motherfucking. Roll. This movie is bullshit on a sandwich.

Mean Girls 2

Much better than the original, if only because it involves a football game, but still wretched. It's basically set at the same high school ten years later with different kids. The stereotypes are less offensive.

Heathers

I feel like I did see this movie a billion years ago, but I didn't really remember it. Basically, serial killers start offing the popular kids at school. One of them has a change of heart and kills the other one. I would prefer if the movie was just the dark imaginings of Winona Ryder because, otherwise, wow, the police are dumb as hell. But it's unclear. It's okay.

Tender Mercies

I have no idea why I rented this movie set in the 1970s about a washed up country singer who gets a job at a gas station and ends up marrying the widow owner and becoming a stepfather to her 8-year-old son. It's not good.

Liberal Arts

This movie is almost the perfect film. Nothing explodes -- but it's got Zac Efron, it's well written and tugs on all the nostalgia strings. I highly recommend it -- you think it's gonna be all cliched and gross, but then it's not. It'll make you want to call up your favorite teacher and tell them thanks. Unless, you hate phones.

Delivery Man

I actually thought this flick about a man finding out his sperm donations have fathered more than 500 children worked. Vince Vaughn plays the lead, a slacker who works in the family meat shop who is forced to grow up quickly because his girlfriend is pregnant ( Robin from How I Met Your Mother -- she and that whole relationship, are the weakest parts of the movie.) Basically, he finds out the news, then tracks down the kids one by one and tries to help their lives anonymously.

Blue Caprice

This movie about the Beltway snipers is eery. The movie concentrates on Lee malvo's relationship with John Muhammed before they start out on the spree. It's super creepy. I think it's good, but creepy.

Saving Mr. Banks

This movie about the making of Mary Poppins is awful. It's super misogynistic, though that may be a product of the time, but not cool. Ugh. Tom Hanks as Disney is fine, but they make the creator of Mary Poppins so unreasonable and unlikable that you are just angry and uncomfortable through the whole thing. And heck, that may be how the lady really was, but guess what, then don't make a movie about her.

Ain't Them Bodies Saints

I have no idea what this title is on about, but the movie is pretty good. It's about a Bonnie and Clyde-ish couple that gets in a shoot out with the cops, but since the chick is pregnant, the man gives himself up and takes the rap for the all the crimes. Then the cop she shot falls in love with her and wants to marry her and father the kid, but the convict dad is all "I'm coming back for you both," and then he breaks out of jail. Dun dun dun.

Kill Your Darlings

Booooooo. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I will never be here for the romanticization of real life murderers -- especially when they're ivy league educated, white male murderers and druggies. FUUUUCCCKKKKK TTTHHHEEEEEMMMMM. Oh, this movie is about Burroughs and the On the Road guy and Allen Ginsberg and how they murdered/helped cover up the murder of this gay guy. Of course, nothing happens to them and they go on to have successful publishing careers. I repeat, fuuuuuccccckkkk ttthhhhheeeeeemmmmmm.

Baggage Claim

This movie stars Paula Patton as a single thirty something woman whose little sister gets engaged before her (OH NOES!) so she's gotta hurry and find the love of her life before the younger girl's wedding! She is a stewardess, so using the underground TSA network, she tracks down all her ex boyfriends to see if she can find recycled true love. O_O This movie is bad. And it's what I get for picking movies just cause there are black people on the cover. Racism never pays. Unless, we're talking hockey. Which we're not. Cause: RACIST!

Homefront

This movie is your standard Jason Statham movie. He just wants to be left alone, but trouble finds him and he has to fight back. Does shit blow up? Oh yes, shit blows the fuck up. One hundred billion thumbs up. Except James Franco is in this. Blech. I hate his stupid face sooo much. OH and so is Winona Ryder. Maaan, she has fallen so far since her Heathers days.

John Tucker Must Die

This movie was actually super cute. It's about three girls who discover they've all been dating the same guy, so they set out to get revenge, but what they find instead is so much more important. *SNIFFS*

Monday, April 7, 2014

April is the cruelest month

I've been writing monthly movie reviews for too long, I'm literally cycling through old titles now...but here we go!

Austenland

This movie is a modern day update of the Pride and Prejudice story. Homely spinster (eyeroll) Kerri Russell is all thirty and unmarried, so she spends her life savings to go to "Austenland," a live action reenactment of Jane Austen's ubiquitous love story. It's okay.

At Middleton

Um... the lady from the Bates Motel TV show and Andy Garcia are polar opposites taking their teens on a campus visit to Middleton. She drives him crazy with her interrupting and he makes her nuts with his uptightness! Stop me if you've heard this one before. Meh. It's okay.

The Incredible Burt Wonderstone

Um... that guy from the Office and Steve Buscemi are partners in a Las Vegas magic show, but after ten years together, and a hot new magic act, Jim Carrey, breathing down their necks, they try to shake things up, but it all falls apart and James Gandolfini fires them. It's okay.

For a Good Time, Call UGH. I have this "no live action movie under 90 minutes is any good" rule. This piece of garbage is 84 minutes. It's hot garbage. Two women -- one a bootleg Bette Midler-- start a sex hotline together. Are there even still sex hotlines out there? So DUMB.

Save the Date

Hmm...I cannot remember what this movie is about...OH. Two sisters are planning the older sister's wedding. She is uptight, younger sister is flighty. Hinjinks, as they say, ensue. It was good.

The Sessions

This movie is about a handicapped man hiring a sex counselor to teach him how to have sex even though he's paralyzed from the neck down. I have no idea why I rented this, but I did...and I watched it and it was exactly what it said it would be. His confidante through the whole process is a roman catholic priest, so I didn't like that, as, well...I don't think a roman catholic priest would do such a thing.

Smashed

Um... I don't know why crack is making this big comeback in stories about middle class white people, but here we are. This movie is about a young couple who go out and get loaded every night, but when the woman half of the couple yarfs in front of her kindergarten class and has to fake being pregnant to explain away her party foul, she decides to go to AA and clean up her act. Also, she smokes crack.

Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom I didn't learn much about apartheid or Nelson Mandela from this movie-- which is odd considering it's asposed to be about Nelson Mandela's long walk to freedom from *apartheid.* I was fascinated, though, by the character of Winnie Mandela. First off, she is portrayed as an aggressor, both in the courtship AND in the "struggle." Also, the make up people do not age her *at all* until the very last scene after Nelson has left her. I think we're supposed to " feel sorry for her" but I mostly felt ashamed of the men around her who couldn't support her. I don't know the real life story of how she ended up jailed for corruption and whatnot, but I'm suddenly much more interested in the "Winnie Mandela: Long Walk to Vilification" story.

Sarafina

I've seen this movie like ten times (and I saw the off broadway show when I was a kid.) I love it. Everyone should see it. I learn new things about apartheid every time I watch it. Great movie. PLUS: SINGING AND DANCING!

Total Recall

I watched the original, with the former Governor of California, a couple of years ago (oh, not with him, starring him. I have never met the former Governor, nor been alone with him, I won't be taking any more questions, this press conference is OVER.) and I fell asleep. I don't know why I rented the remake cause I also fell asleep during it. Total Recall is just a boring premise for a movie.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

I think I'm officially too old for these "coming of age" movies about tortured high schoolers. Oh, no one will sit with me in the lunchroom, ehrmagosh my paper is like totally due TOMORROW, AAHH THE SATs. Eyeroll. I'm sorry, I don't care. Lawn comma get off of my.

The Kings of Summer

Eh. Three boys decide to run away from home and build a house for themselves in the woods. Then a girl comes between them and ruins everything. Chicks are the worst, amirite? Yawn.

Mud

Two boys run away from home and find a boat in a tree and then discover a convict has been hiding out in it. So, OF COURSE, they decide to help him. Double Yawn. Hmmm... all these horrible movies are about white boys. Why is that? Why are white boys always running away and why is Hollywood always writing movies about sad lonely white American boys and how hard life is for them? TUH. Lemmee go rewatch Sarafina.

About Time

This movie is about a family where the men can time travel through their own timeline. O_O Anyway, the main guy uses this power to get his wife to fall in love with him "at first sight," of course, in reality, it has taken months. O_o Then, he decides to use this power to help his poor hapless sister go back in time and not meet her abusive boyfriend, but THEN that changes the sex of his baby! His dad goes "oh, yeah, my bad, you can go back through your own timeline UNTIL you have a kid." o_O THEN his dad dies AND that same day his wife is all "I want to have another kid RIGHT NOW!" See where this is going? THEN, right before the second baby is born, he goes back to say goodbye to his dad AND his dad takes him back to play on beach as a boy -- VIOLATING ALL THE RULES THEY JUST MADE UP ON THE FLY IN THE FIRST PLACE. I'm still mad I sat through this bullshit movie. Now, you don't have to. YOU'RE WELCOME, AMERICA.

The Best Man Holiday

I think I saw the first "best man" movie a long time ago. I don't really remember it though, but the second holds up without any institutional knowledge. It was cute and I didn't want to punch things watching it, so it beats "About Time" in that respect.

We're The Millers

(._.) I really liked this movie. HOLD ON HOLD ON...I know, Jennifer Aniston as a forty-year-old stripper who has to pretend to be Jason Sudeikis' wife, so they can smuggle an RV full of pot from Mexico with their two pretend children SEEMS far-fetched -- but they make it work and it somehow turns into a sweet rom-com. I KNOW, took me by surprise too. But there it is. Go on, judge me.

Short Term 12:

This movie is about counselors at a group home for abandoned teens. It's sad and touching. I liked it.

Best Man Down

This is a movie about a wedding and the groom's best man is his drunken, fat, idiot friend from high school and he makes everyone, bride included, uncomfortable until he's found dead in the desert the next morning. Well, probably he was making them uncomfortable then too. They have to set out making arrangements for his funeral and the groom realizes he didn't really know his friend at all. *sniff sniff*

Drinking Buddies

This movie stars Jason Sudeikis' wife (I think, I don't really keep up with People Magazine) and Nick Miller from New Girl. They struggle with their attraction to each other because each is with another person. It's okay. They work in a brewery.

Adore This movie stars all the pretty Australian actresses NOT named Nicole Kidman...wait....actually, I'm not sure if the Princess Bride is Australian...anyway, she plays one here. The two women are best childhood friends and they each have one son and then whammo 18 years later, they're each boning the other's son. O_O This led to my new movie rule: If a movie stars more than one big name star, but you've never heard of it, DON'T STREAM IT on netflix.

Planet of the Apes

I have the Simpsons "Planet of the Apes" musical memorized and that episode completely ruined this movie for me. I was mostly laughing and inserting Simpsons dialogue into it. The underlying movie is ok, I guess, but watching it my way is definitely more hilarious.

Silence of the Lambs

I've been enjoying the Hannibal series so I thought I'd rewatch this movie to see if I could pick up on any spoilers. It was funny because when I saw it in high school, Silence of the Lambs was hands down THEE scariest movie I'd ever seen in my life...well, okay, maybe in a three-way tie with Gremlins and Fright Night. But upon rewatch, it's actually pretty tame. And Clarice hates wearing coats! But it's a good movie, the surprise twist ending still works even though you know it's coming.

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

And the year Marches along

Get it? Marches...March? Shut up.

So weird, I thought I watched a ton of movies this month, but evidently, I just watched lots of House of Cards and Bunheads and Futuramas. Anyway, here goes. 

30 for 30: Price of Gold This is a rehashing of the Nancy Kerrigan knee capping. Nancy Kerrigan herself did not sit for an interview, but her husband (who was also her old manager... SKETCH-EEE) did. However, Tonya Harding gives extensive interviews and the movie delves into her "hard life" (waaa, her mother hit her with a hairbrush one time) and she comes off really sympathetically. However, I watched another recent documentary about the incident. NBC aired one after the Olympics and Nancy Kerrigan was interviewed and whoa, Tonya Harding comes off as a psychopath and undid all the good that this 30 for 30 did.

Blue is the Warmest Color WHOA. So much naked. So so very much naked. All the naked. My eyes. Um. Where was I? It's about a high school senior in France figuring out her sexuality through naked. It's rated NC-17, which I didn't find out till after, when I was just like, how is Netflix running pornography now? The movie is also in French, so you can't even look away like the nice Catholic prude you were raised to be. However, if much naked women is your bag. You're welcome. Don't say I never did nothing for you.

Rush This movie is about a (real life, I guess, I meant to google, but forgot) race car driver rivalry. It's great. I hate those rivalry movies where you are clearly supposed to root for one particular guy over the other (like Amadeus) this is much more balanced. And the movie made race car driving seem interesting!

The Spectacular Now Um... this movie is about high school seniors. Popular guy woos awkward comic book nerd girl after popular cheerleader dumps him. It sounds cliche, but they do it in a different enough way that it's not boring. It's not great either though. I give it two and a half Mellencamps.

Mr Nobody This movie was so long. Oh God. Why would it not end? Like, I felt there was some technology at play where they kept filming and adding on to the movie *as* I was watching it. This is three, maybe four movies, in one and that is just too much. Plus, they kick you straight in the nards at the end with the whole "none of this is real." Complete with cackling laughter.

Red 2 This movie is cute and fun. Lots of shooting and explosions and "twists" (sure, you see them coming a mile away, but you pretend you don't!) The exact right people die, *slow claps* Brava!

All is Lost O_o This is two hours of Robert Redford sailing. In the first minute, he awakes to discover his boat has taken on a lot of water, he is alone and ALL his radio equipment is destroyed by water. O_o So for two hours, he tries to survive. Oh, there is almost no speaking. Which, as I sat in my living room watching this movie alone, cursing and mocking it nonstop, struck me as hilarious. Just because you're by yourself doesn't mean you can't talk. In fact, the silence seemed so forced -- he doesn't say "crap, I forgot the bag" or "Arrrgh, damn you Neptune!" and then shakes his fist? Boo. What? Is that weird? Are you not supposed to curse Neptune aloud when you're alone on a sinking ship?

Running Scared Um. When Paul Walker died, everyone said this was his best movie ever, so I rented it. Those people are liars. Fast and Furious six was his best movie ever and I could have saved myself the month of waiting for Running Scared to become available and the three hours of bizarro chase scenes. Blargh. It was okay, I suppose. But twas no Fast and Furious six.

Machete Kills Mindless fun. Delivers on its title right away. Two machetes up! Looking forward to the next installment: Machete Kills in Space! I'm not kidding.

I've Loved You So Long Another french movie. And, a French movie I think I've seen before. It's about a former doctor who kills her son, goes to prison and then has to live with the little sister she left behind before serving her fifteen year sentence. It's good. I didn't need to see it twice. But, obviously, it wasn't memorable enough for me not to rent it again, but the synopsis is good enough to get you to rent it twice. Or something.

Enough Said I believe this was James Gandolfini's last movie. I hereby declare it his best. Also, the Seinfeld woman's best too. It's about middle aged people dating. So awkward, yet very well done.

St. Trinian's Two I love David Tennant. I will see anything if David Tennant is in it. David Tennant is in this. It's very silly, but eh, I've got nothing else going on.

Elephant It's basically a Columbine scenario movie. But shot all weirdly, from different perspectives and in a weird timeline. Eh, it's not good.

Last Days From the same guy who did Elephant. I think it's loosely based on Curt Kobain's last days. Also, not good.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

The Oscar Edition (mostly kind of sort of)

The Hunger Games I rewatched this movie because it's been a year since I've seen it and two years since I read the books. It holds up. It's a good movie, much better than...

The Hunger Games: Catching Fire This flick was okay, I guess. I'm not a fan of movies without endings --obviously, I know that when you're dealing with the middle of a trilogy, that's what you're going to get. Ugh, and then I 1. just found out they're splitting Mockingjay into two films AND 2. I read it in the article about Philip Seymour Hoffman's death (he plays(played?) a key figure in the Quarter Quell games.) So, who knows WHAT's going to happen now. Uh... I mean, condolences to his family. *whistles*

The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug These movies are terrible. The Hobbit was terrible and I don't just mean the desperate cries for an editor that drowns out the horrific dwarf singing, the "plots" are awful, the ridiculous saves for the stupid elves or hobbits or whatever the hell always swoops in to save them are terrible. Terrible Terrible terrible. I don't know why I even watched this stupid movie, but I'm going to sum up my review with a line from the horrible film itself: I'm done with dwarves. Go away.

Inside Llewyn Davis OMG. So, you know how the "open letter" has become the favored literary device of awful internet magazine writers everywhere? Inside Llewyn Davis is so fucking depressing, it's basically an open suicide note. From the music, to the depressive lead character to the screeching supporting cast -- the worst part is that it is seductively depressing. You like Llewyn Davis AND the people who hate Llewyn Davis -- anytime the movie introduces optimistic or supportive characters you want to kick them in the nuts and make them eat their fucking cereal bowls. Uh... hypothetically. And since, as is well recorded in this blog, I fucking hate the Coen Brothers (and the rest of their family probably) trust me when I say this movie is great.

Frozen Mmmm... I read a lot of positive reviews of this movie. A LOT. AND I love what's her face, Idina Menzel, so I was very excited for this movie. It was supposed to be super girl power-y and a new model for a Disney princess yadayadayada. And the soundtrack outsold the Beyonce itunes album for weeks and weeks. Anyway, you get the picture, my expectations were sky high. My disappointment, directly proportional to that. Booo. I actually booed. There's like TWO good songs. The plot? Dumb dumb dumb. The resolution? Even dumber. Blargh. Kids will probably like it though. There are cool visual stunts with ice. It'll win the cartoon Oscar.

Dallas Buyers Club Jared Leto was amazing as a transvestite gay guy dying of AIDS. He should win the Oscar in his category. Um... this movie was good. It held my attention. The lead character -- a shady dude blindsided by an AIDS diagnosis who decides to get drugs from Mexico as an alternative to AZT and then he turns it into a business of selling them to other desperate AIDS patients. He has to stay one step ahead of the FDA and the AIDS doctors. Jennifer Garner is terrible in this -- and I usually like her. I don't think Matthew Ma...umm...mumbles...gh...n...there's a u.... anyhoo, he shouldn't win the Oscar for losing weight and being less annoying than he usually is in movies. Cause he was still plenty annoying.

Captain Phillips Can you spoiler a based on a true story movie? My apologies if you can, but I think it's important to my review. At the end, the head pirate guy is arrested and read his rights on a ship. Captain Phillips is also brought aboard the same ship and sent to sick bay where his wounds are tended to. If this were a *REAL* action movie, the pirate would have grabbed hold of a gun, killed the arresting marines, Phillips would have heard the scuffle, jumped down from the exam table, gotten a weapon and chased the pirate to the upper deck of the ship, cornered the pirate and then said something like "I'm tired of these motherfucking pirates on these motherfucking ships!" Or "Get off my boat!" And then shot him. But this was not a real action movie. It was a real...er...action movie. I liked it, but I did spend a lot of time imagining a more Hollywood version of it starring Jason Statham. I'm glad the pirate guy got a nomination, but I hated the lines that were clearly designed to tug at the heart strings and make you feel sorry for the poor hard lives of the Somali people. *Eyeroll* GET OFF OF MY BOAT!

August: Osage County Listen. Meryl Streep is the Meryl Streep of Meryl Streeping. She Meryl Streeps the shit out of this movie. If she doesn't win the Meryl Streep award where she is Meryl Streeping with cancer, I will... um... be very surprised. The movie is about a bunch of dysfunctional women in a family and the poor hapless men they yell at. I didn't hate Julia Roberts as much as other people seemed to in reviews I read. But it's very hard not being Meryl Streep.

Thor: Dark World Yawn. I've about had it up to here *insert hand about neck level* with the MARVEL universe. The plot holes and contrivances in this movie are embarrassing. But that one guy is shirtless a bunch. So...you know. You'll endure.

American Hustle This movie terrible. I kind of want to lump this review with the review for

The Wolf of Wall Street Both these movies have been made over and over again with the actors and ingenues of the moment. American Hustle follows the script of the heavily costumed/wigged trope of a heist of some kind with a double reverse switch of allegiance. And Wolf of Wall street is the well worn path of the con man who believes his own con even as the straight laced cop figure is bearing down. Yawn yawn yawn. Jaysus. How are there no other stories? With other kinds of people. And how is it these same stories keep getting nominated for Oscars when movies like

Fruitvale Station ...which was the best fucking movie I've seen in a long time, gets nominated for nothing. This tells the --sorta-- story of Oscar Grant who was shot in the back by police, while handcuffed and face down on a BART platform in San Francisco. The movie does sanctify him in ways that made me roll my eyes (he hugs the body of a dying stray dog after its been hit and I added "wwwhhhyyyyyyyyy" and desperate mouth to mouth CPRing to the scene in my head and laughed) but it was such a well done, bare bones movie that told a tragic yet important story that, ugh, seriously, fuck the Oscars with razor blades for not recognizing it or Michael Jordan or the mom -- who won an Oscar for the gorram help. UGH! I hate everything.

Her Blech. This movie was dumb. It's about a guy who falls in love with his Operating System -- AND, hold the phones, HIS OPERATING SYSTEM LOVES HIM TOO! EYE Roll. I guess I won't say what happens next, but booo. Skip this stoopid stooopid movie. Go watch Fruitvale Station.

The Lone Ranger Okay, I am not cool with Johnny Depp playing a Native American character. NOT. Like I am unable to can with that casting. However, *insert hanging head and downcast eyes* I actually ended up liking this movie. I know, I suck. I kept hoping they were going to explain that the tribe found this lost little white boy and took him in and he suffered this great trauma and now he doesn't remember that he was white... I DUNNO something. But there you have it. Apparently I like redface movies. Sigh. I'm the worst.

You're Next Elana told me to see this movie after I said that "No laws for one day" movie was a terrible waste of a premise. You're next was equally bad, if not slightly worse. Um...actually, a lot worse. Because the premise was dumb too. Like I don't even get what the plan was or why it was executed in this way. Dumb. File this under empty torture pr0n.

Kick-Ass 2 This movie was okay. I don't really remember the first Kick-Ass and I couldn't find it streaming anywhere, so I don't know if the sequel hurts the first one or if it's a good continuation of the story. But as a stand a lone hero movie, this was fine.

Blue Jasmine This movie was great. It's about two sisters, both adopted and how their lives go in two completely different directions, one marries a corporate tycoon and the other marries a blue collar dude, but they both end up sharing a small San Francisco apartment after various misfortunes. The kids are miscast, I think. But I like all the other casting and I like the way the story unfolds. The end is a bit contrived, but overall, thumbs up.

Lee Daniels' The Butler Are there tons of "The Butler"s out there that Lee Daniels needed to make sure you knew this one was his? And frankly, this movie sucked pretty hard, so if I were him, I'd try to get it lost in the shuffle so I'd maybe get credit for one of the other ones, none could be worse than this tripe. (Off topic, my mom tried to feed me tripe -- the digusting dish of cow's stomach or sumshit when I was a kid and being the precocious reader that I was, I defiantly asserted: I'm not eating that tripe. LITERALLY OR FIGURATIVELY! Yep, folks, I've always been awesome.) Anyway, this movie is a pot of disgusting cow intestines. Skip it. (Though, I did like Oprah's portrayal of the alcoholic trollop wife.)

Despicable Me 2 This movie was dumb. Another unnecessary sequel. Eyeroll.

The Wolverine This movie was dumb. I don't even know why they made this movie. It's about a dying Korean man who tries to steal Wolverine's skeleton. I dunno. Dumb.

Uncle Boonmee Who Can Recall His Past Lives The monster recommended this movie. A lady has sex with a fish. And that's why he's known as the monster.

The World's End This movie was FANTASTIC! I was so mad at Simon Pegg after that artarded movie Paul. SO ANGRY. Like I went on twitter and treated him like @vinnay treated that Lost guy. So, I was skeptical about The World's End, but wow *slow claps* Simon Pegg has returned to Shaun of the Dead form! Huzzah!

Insidious Chapter 2 BBoooo. Terrible sequel for a movie that actually needs a sequel. I loved the first one and was looking so forward to this, that I almost went to see it in the theater. Glad I saved THAT thirteen bucks. YARF.

The Possesion One of my twitter friends decided to live tweet this, so I watched along with her. It's a decent horror flick. It stars Denny from Grey's Anatomy (IZZIE CUT THE L-VAD wire) it features the first *Jewish* exorcism I'VE EVER SEEN. That shit is creepy! This demon laughs in the face of Jesus! MAAANNN.

Mitt If you're glad President Obama won reelection, you'll love this movie. You just drink in sad rich people tears and laugh and laugh. I kinda get the feeling Mittens is planning to run again... which... I dunno how I feel about that, but boy oh boy did he think he was winning in 2012 hahahahahahaahhahahahahahahahahahahahahhaahahahahhaahh

Lone Survivor I don't like war movies. There's something about war as entertainment that sits uneasily with me -- though I love Gallipoli...anywoo. This movie is about a kill op that goes wrong and a whole squad of guys and the chopper sent to save them all get killed. ALL... EXCEPT ONE. One survives. A lone su...okay, you get it. Um...it's good. I wouldn't want to be shot to death going to watch it though.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

2014...and still no flying cars

Happy New Year to the seven people who read this blog!

I hope you all have an awesome year.

I didn't watch that many movies in December (I mean, that many for me, I definitely watched way more than a normal person). You see, I decided to revisit the Xena series which I loved in my youth. 132 episodes. 42 minutes each. And I watched every single one. Turns out, when I was younger, I had the good sense to quit television shows once they started to suck, which for Xena happened 110 episodes before the series ended. *shudder*

Anyway, let the healing begin. To wit: trying to wipe them from my memory. <---I wrote that sentence two weeks ago, but the scenes of people thawing out after being frozen for 25 years and Valkrie fire protection spells just flooded back into my head and crippled me. Hopefully, I can power through the pain today, here goes...

Blackfish This is an expose' about Seaworld's practice of capturing baby whales and training them to perform tricks for our amusment. The PETA people want all Seaworlds shut down and the whales released. As if. On the one hand, I like that we're arresting these vicious potential face eating killers and getting them out of the open water; on the other hand, I don't like that they're eating their captors with impunity. One whale has eaten like three women already! He should have BEEN turned into lamp oil.

Dreams of a Life The movie starts with the mummified corpse of a 38-year-old black woman discovered in front of her still-on television. It then goes back in time to try to discover what happened and why no one noticed she was missing for three years. Well, now that I've seen exactly how I'm going to die, I can live out the rest of my life with gusto.

The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance I think @luckbox was tweeting about how he'd never seen a John Wayne movie, I realized I hadn't either and then JuliusGoat told us to watch this one. I was super surprised at how diverse/progressive it was for this type of dated Western. It's about a big city lawyer who moves west and is angry that lawlessness runs amok, so he opens a law office. The criminals laugh in his face and challenge him to a duel, but then John Wayne is all "not so fast pilgrims" and goes John Wayne on their asses. It's okay. I've seen a John Wayne movie now.

30 for 30: Broke I don't know if these count as movies or TV shows, but this one is about these megastar athletes and how they lose their tens/hundreds of millions of dollars within 3-5 years of leaving their respective sports. So depressing really. They're all fucked up in the head and knees from playing professional sports, yet have nothing to show for it all.

TWA: Flight 800 Conspiracy fare about the FBI apparently covering up missiles shooting down the plane. I suppose they had a lot of supporting evidence, but never provided any motive that would explain why the FBI would do this.

Oldboy I wanted to see the original Korean movie before it got the Spike Lee treatment. OH MY FUCKING GOD. OH MY FUCKING GOD. SIIIICCCKKKK. THE SOUTH KOREANS ARE SICCCKKKKKK. The North Koreans are right to barricade themselves behind a protective wall to shield them from this tale of revenge and imprisonment and mystery and mind control. Oh no... wait... the South Koreans might come for me now... I'm sorry, I take it back. This movie was excellent and totally not sick. Please don't make me eat my father in a stew. *runs*

Insidious Chapter 2 I really liked the first Insidious movie. It was annoying and bland for the first three quarters and then the last bit just scared the ever living shit out of me and I had to apologize to the first three quarters. Well, the sequel sucked from start to finish. It was dumb. The acting was lame, the plot twists were lamer. BOOOO. BOOOOO. For shame. They should be sent off to South Korea.

Jobs This movie about the founder of Apple was okay. But I felt like they were constantly patting themselves on the back for little inside jokes that I just didn't get because I'm not a nerd or an Apple fanboy. I think they presume a lot more insider knowledge than I have.... I can't believe that the MAC personal computers were money losers though. All my school classrooms had them.

Elysium LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLLOL. This movie is just two hours of getting trolled by Hollywood. Matt Damon, savior of the all the brown people. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL Uh... it's about future Earth where the, I dunno, ozone layer is gone, so the rich people move to an outpost on the moon called Elysium, and leave robots behind on earth to keep law and order. Matt Damon something something and there's a shuttle and then the brown people are made citizens of Elysium and there's free healthcare for everyone. Ted Cruz gives this movie two thumbs down.

2 Guns This movie about two undercover officers who think the other is a real criminal, but then both get burned by their respective agencies and so both end up becoming criminals, isn't the worst movie I've ever seen. There are many shootouts and asplosions. I give it two Mellencamps.

Man of Steel ahahahahahahahahahhahahah Speaking of trolling.... I don't even understand how such a white/American supremacist movie gets made in this the 2013th year of our lord. Good lord. I love America as much if not more than this next guy, but this movie literally interchanges the phrases "people of Earth" and "Americans" sometimes even "Kansas." In essence, Kansas is all of earth. Sarah Palin gives this movie two thumbs up. I don't know why Hollywood has been unable to make a non laughable Superman movie since the 70s, but I think it's time they just give the fuck up.

Grizzly Man Listen ladies, and men, I suppose, if there is one takeaway from this movie, it's this: There is NO MAN WORTH GETTING EATEN BY A BEAR OVER. NONE. Okay, maybe Tom Brady -- but only if by getting eaten, you are saving him from being eaten -- but if he's being eaten already and his last words are "run," DO NOT grab a frying pan and hit the bear that's eating him. Oh, what's this movie about? A sociopath who thought he was friends with bears. And then he tells his girlfriend, hey, let's go spend the summer with my friends in Alaska and she's all "cool. Okay!" And then they get there and she's all "BEARS? YOUR FUCKING FRIENDS ARE BEARS?" And he's all "oh, don't be grumpy, ms. grumpface, come on and let me introduce you to "Growly and Teethy and Clawhands." And then they get eaten. The best part of the movie is that the director of the documentary actually interviews people who are like "dude, he thought he could hang out with bears. And then they ate him." There are stupid hippies in it too, but hopefully, they've been eaten by now.

Gerry So, here's the thing. Julius "The Monster" Goat recommended this movie to me. It's two hours of Matt Damon and Ben Affleck's brother trying to get out of the desert. They are both Gerry. Or neither of them are Gerry. Or we the viewers are Gerry. I don't know. I thought Roger Ebert's review of this movie was perfect. I didn't hate it, but only a monster would suggest that another human being watch it. *whistles*

A Town Called Panic Julius Goat and his kids filmed this movie in their basement. Evidently, it was raining out, so they got their toys and a video camera and let their imaginations run wild. I hate Julius Goat so much.